Tuesday, January 1, 2008

New Year's Day Bowl Blogging -- by J.O.B.

Happy New Year!

I was going to time-stamp my entries today but felt it would either come off too Simmons-like or too much like the guys over Kissing Suzy Kolber, so eff it.

... I remarkably don't have a hangover this morning, despite drinking wine (I never drink wine) and Patron (I always drink Patron) along with imbibing some other herbal rememdies last night. Snowmobiling on New Year's Eve rocks ... my back - yowza! How did I sleep with all this phlegm in my chest?

... Thank Jesus and Pope Gregory XIII that I switched my high carb days to last Tuesday and this one - chocolate-chip pancakes for breakfast!
"Want some pancakes?"

... Tournament of Roses Parade on so many channels. NBC ruins the vision that is Nancy O'Dell by pairing her with Al Roker. ABC ruins the Honda transforming car float by cutting to some clod talking about it instead of showing the full transformation - like "Fuck you for not bringing your lazy ass to Pasadena!" As if I'm going to take the intricate knowledge about the inner workings of this float to try and replicate it in my yard. Just show me the cool transforming flower covered thing already. Somehow though, ABC can't find a way to cut to a live shot of Erin Andrews reporting from the street, who I'd much rather get a visual of.

... Looks like Wisconsin-Tennessee starts off my bowl day. Should be interesting. Wait, Fox has Missouri against Arkansas - much more interesting just because everyone thinks Missouri has something to prove and even though he hasn't officially taken over in Fayetteville, Bobby Petrino is likely to quit the Hogs at halftime and bolt to coach a flag football team in Wyoming.

... Ooh, it's almost time for Lloyd Carr to get Tebowed (or I could watch yet another version of the spread offence on CBS with Texas Tech against Virginia, but who am I kidding?) Wait, the Wolverines actually come out with a spread-style offense? What in the Rich Rodriguez is-a goin' on here? 7-0 U of M!

... NBC proves how much more exciting watching hockey live is versus watching it on television as they manage to fill Rich Stadium (a 60,000+ seat football stadium) in Buffalo for a hockey game, only to pit it against New Year's Day bowl games. Love the Penguins alternate sweaters.

... The Badger-Vol game proved much more exciting than the Mizzou-Hog game as the Tigers are in full route mode, the Vols need a late pick to stave off the Cheesers somehow, Bobby Petrino is still the new head coach at Arkansas, and Brian Baldinger managed to not fully blow Pat Summerall in the booth. What a let down.

... As Michigan is giving Florida all they can handle, two things come to mind: 1) if they win, do the Wolverines give Ohio St. "Big Ten confidence" over the SEC as they prepare for LSU, and 2) the best thing that could come from a Florida loss is that they trash the all-blue uni look out of superstition. Sad side note: The Mountaineers routinely went monochromatic under Rich Rodriguez. Do I sense and all-Maize clad Wolverine outing in the future? I hope not.

... I'd have to say that the Red Raiders Mike Leach is the most NFL-ready head coach I've ever seen. Not because of his innovative spread offense (how innovative is an offense that nearly half of the top-2o teams run?) but because he has to be the most boring sunovabitch I've heard interviewed that doesn't wear a headset on Sundays. Does he know this is a bowl game?

... Michigan really wants to give Florida every opportunity to win. Four turnovers? Two fumbles from a guy who has fumbled once in three years?

... Rose Bowl pre-game hype on ESPN2! "Illinois will have to access the power of Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed and maybe the flying Spaghetti Monster to win this one!" This is a USC team that lost to Stanford, right? This is an Illinois team that beat the #1 team in the Country right? I mean, the Illini didn't even go to the Playboy Mansion this year. Yes, I have my Illinois sweatshirt on, dicks. Yes, it's on top of my Illinois t-shirt and my blue and orange shorts.

... Bowl games make you forget to eat. Shit, Michigan scored again?!? Did Chrysler really just show a commercial in which all of the 300's featured were with after-market cars? Like, "look, we know that these things come looking like shit from the factory, but if you just pay even more money with an after-market supplier, it might just be a vehicle you can look at!" God, they are in so much trouble. Buy American!

... In case you were wondering, Virginia officially has the crispest looking uniforms today. Yet, they still lost to Texas Tech who has the worst uniforms on the day.

... Rose Bowl pre-game on ESPN2!!! In the meantime, Florida is somehow losing to Michigan so now Urban Meyer will get taken to task and Rich Rodriguez better win a big bowl next year or he'll be in line for "but Carr won his last bowl game criticisms.

... Way to follow up outdoor hockey, NBC. Nothing says, "our last program wasn't worth watching" by following it up with Seal singing while pairs figure skating goes on in the foreground.

... Brent Musburger has the best line early in the Illini-Trojan game: "I still say Hugh Hefner is the best recruiter to come out of Illinois' program!" By the way, is there any way that "Fighting Illini" doesn't make the discussion of odd/funny college nicknames? I know it represents a Native-American tribe, but it's just random. I'd also like to elect "random" as a word I don't need to hear in that context in 2008.

... Trickeration! My squad is down 14-0 early and I've got to stop now or else the first case of suicide by blogging will happen today. Os-ke-wow-wow!

1 comment:

AngryWhiteMan said...

I hope you don't expect me to read all that shit!