Top 4 Best Lines from the Bob Saget Comedy Central Roast

1. (Jeff Garlin): "I showed up on the set of Full House, and he introduced me to Mary Kate and Ashley, I asked him, 'how do I tell them apart?' He said, 'Ashley swallows'"

2. (Jim Norton): "Sarah Silverman's fucked so many comedians, she has a little light over her bed to let them know they have two minutes left"

3. (Bob Saget): "Jon Lovitz...your act is like masturbation. You're the only one that enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public."

4. (Gilbert Gottfried): "Cloris Leachman is so old, her tits are labeled 'whites only' and 'colored'"

I'm back, bitches (thought it appears most of you are gone)

I haven't posted anything in awhile...mostly because I'm quite certain no one reads this anymore. But I need an outlet to vent, because there's just so much to talk about right now, so here goes...an incoherent, rambling rant, brought to you in our traditional four goal style (even though none of the following four points would be considered a "goal" by any rational human being).

1) NBA playoffs start next week. I wish I could be excited about the prospects of my beloved Cavaliers, but the fact of the matter is, they just don't have it this year. The new acquisitions haven't gelled yet, and they look painfully slow against running teams (like Philly). However this is no cause for concern for this guy...since the quality of play is better than its been in years. Every night there is a compelling matchup, and every team has at least one guy who could start on a championship team (with the possible exception of Memphis, or New York). I'm loving the NBA right now

2) Hope everyone noticed my beloved Montreal Canadiens grab the top seed in the East today! I like their chances in the loaded East, since they drew the Bruins in the first round (who they were 8-0 against this year). But I want no part of Alex Ovechkin and the streaking Caps, nor the ridiculously loaded Penguins. Even freaking Ottawa is a 6 seed, and they've been crapping on the Habs faces for 3 years now. It'll be a tough road, but I think, more than anything else, a traditional hockey town needs to win the cup this year. Whether its Pittsburgh, Montreal, Detroit, San Jose (you heard me), Philly or New York, SOMEONE must win from a traditional hockey market. I don't know if the league can take another sun belt team with a fickle fan base winning the cup (like Anaheim last year, Carolina the year before, or Tampa Bay the time before that...though to be fair, Carolina fans are underrated, and Raleigh is a wonderful market for the NHL).

3) Baseball, baby! Hope everyone caught the strange incident in the Braves/Pirates game last Wednesday. After bringing in righty Chris Resop to pitch to one of the Pirates tough righties (Jason Bay, I think), Bobby Cox then replaced Resop with lefty Royce Ring to face Adam LaRoche...except he put Resop in left field so he could bring him in again to face another righty in Xavier Nady. The move unfortunately backfired, as Nady doubled in the winning run, but I loved Cox's out of the box thinking. The old man is fully capable of getting creative, and is every bit as spry as he was in the early 90's. That being said, I think managers get pretty ridiculous with the lefty on lefty matchups, and this was a perfect example of that. What I really think is dumb is the idea that right handers hit worse against right handed pitching. They've been facing right handed pitchers their entire lives...I don't think they are shaking in their boots facing one now! Still the Braves are 3-3, and beat the Mets twice this weekend. I'm not as optimistic as some experts on their chances this year, but I really don't think the Mets and Phillies are that much better.

4) How 'bout some music? Some favorites of mine currently: Skurny's recent visit produced a bit more than the usual haze of smoke and Smithwicks, as he turned me onto Band of Horses, a band so good I've been wondering where they've been all my life. Also, the pride of Akron Ohio (other than LeBron James) has a new album out, The Black Keys actually hired Danger Mouse to produce their new album, "Attack and Release." I'm pretty sure Skurny will second my opinion on that one. Also, Death Cab for Cutie has a new album dropping next Monday. Though I'm certain I'll get crap for plugging that one, its important to mention that Death Cab isn't really "emo", at least in the current definition. I mean, they are mellow, and methodical. Completely different from crappy bands like Panic at the Disco or whatever the fuck they're called, who are considered "emo" by mainstream music pundits. So can we all agree to stop referring to Death Cab as emo? Thank you, that is all.

My SNL Top 4

What a tremendous idea...and what better way to kickstart this stagnant blog? Kudos, Nicho. Here are my top 4 favorite SNL sketches of all time. Counting down from classic to transcendent...

4) The Chris Farley Japanese Game Show- An absolute Farley tour de force. Alec Baldwin hosted, Mike Myers, Nancy Walls (not yet married to Steve Carrell) and Janeane Garafolo featured (yep, remember her 1 year stint on the cast?). Defining moment: "MOTHER OF MERCY! MARY! CALL THE EMBASSY!"

3) The Chris Kattan/various MLB players skit- Goddammit I couldn't find the video for this, but I looked everywhere. Featuring Helen Hunt as the mom, Chris Kattan as the 12 year old kid, and about 20 major league baseball players. The kid goes to bed wishing he could be a big league baseball player, only to have several baseball players show up...appearing magically (out of his closet, if I remember correctly). Marty Cordova smokes up his room with his cigar. Todd Zeile shows up with a keg. Where's Ken Griffey Jr? At a strip club, according to Cordova. In the end the kid decides to be a basketball player instead. Defining moment (and, being a Braves fan, this was also one of the defining moments of my youth): When Braves closer Mark Wohlers shows up and delivers the classic: "c'mon kid, don't be a fag!"

(in case you were curious, IMDB has a list of all the players that appeared. Remember Russ Davis?? Yankees fans would like to forget, but this is his shining moment!)

2) I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS! (sorry for the shitty quality) - "I just wish you weren't a liar" quickly incoroparted itself into my freshman year lexicon. As did "I hate you, you big fat turd." We all remember this skit...Will Ferrell before he became a caricature of himself, the highly underrated Ana Gasteyer and Sarah Michelle Gellar when she was at her Buffy-apex of hotness. Defining moment: well...the title says it all.

(as an aside, this sketch was similar to "Dysfunctional Family Christmas Timelife Album" from the late 80's early 90's. Its worth mentioning. Memorable from that commercial was the track "I got my nose pierced because I like it, I got a tattoo because I hate you")

1) Bill Brasky - there were a few of these, but this one was my favorite. Features Will Ferrell, John Goodman and Alec Baldwin (not sure which one of those two was hosting). I'd like to think of this sketch as the predecessor for the whole Chuck Norris thing. Defining moment(s): where do I begin!? Lets go with "I masturbate to the teletubbies!." With "he wears a live rattlesnake as a condom" as honorable mention. If I were granted three wishes in life, one would be to have been a fly on the wall when the writers came up with this one. I mean first of all, this was the peak of the Will Ferrell era, and the writers included Tina Fey (her first year as head writer), Dave Attell, Adam McKay, Stephen Colbert, Robert Smigel, Bruce McCullogh, Bob Odenkirk, Colin Quinn and Fred Wolf (amongst others). And you just know they had a blast one upping each other with the ridiculous lines. Why do I think it was McCullogh that came up with "I once saw him scissor kick Angela Lansbury"? (here's the link to another Brasky sketch...with Dave Koechner, Tim Meadows and Mark McKinney alongside Ferrell and Goodman). I seriously can't get enough of them.

I'm curious to see what you all come up with. Its hard to find videos because NBC is a bitch about copyrights. But be persistent dammit! (and seriously, why isn't that baseball player sketch online somewhere?? Isn't this why the internet was invented?)

End of an Era

Our former boss has decided to call it quits at our former job! She left to pursue...who the hell knows what. Not sure what you're qualified to do when all you know is managing online education sales. Not exactly a job that prepares one for other career avenues (update, just ask 60% of this group!). Thoughts? AWM is crying, I know...

Looks like someone other than us reads this crap!

Remember my Super Bowl post? I went to a party in London, and, after rereading the original post, I realize that my comments about the London cheerleaders (or whatever they are) may have come off as a bit harsh. Apparently, "Emma" agrees...she found the post, and sent me a nice email. Here it is... (PS, how the hell did she know my email address?? Is it published? Update: yup!)

Hi there

I coach the squad that you ran down in your NFL blog post and I just wanted to get in touch to correct a few inaccuracies. It's up to you if you do anything about them.

1. There were more than one cheerleading squads in the bar that night and, if you were late, it's more than likely that you missed us.

2. We did do minor stunts but what with it being dark and, well a bar, we figured not so safe (yeah, that's a priority I'm afraid).

3. We were fundraising for a competition not a tour (though you may have been talking about the other squad present?)

So, I'd appreciate you removing the link to our site - though to be honest I think all it does is contradict your post!

You know, I get the whole 'angry man' thing that you've got going on but maybe lighten up a bit eh? It was just a party after all.

Thanks,

Emma

Head Coach

London Rockets Cheerleaders

Ok in all seriousness, I'm not sure I wrote anything that would give off an "angry man" vibe. I mean, we have Angry White Man for that, right? And as for the lack of stunting, yes, I suppose a dark bar with a low ceiling is not the best place for stunts. As for me calling them unattractive...well, sorry if that comes off as mean. I really am. But I'm entitled to an opinion on that subject...its part of being a guy (though to be fair, she wasn't calling me out on that).

As for the fundraising...there was ONE squad there that night, I don't remember any other squad being there. And they WERE walking around asking for money. Whether it was for a competition, or a tour is irrelevant. It was a strange sight to behold, and though I did donate two quid, I felt ridiculous doing it. SO there you have it. I apologize for offending anyone, but I stand by everything I wrote. So, I guess this isn't much of an apology after all...

Update: it probably doesn't help things that my original super bowl post is filed under "eurotrash"

February! The most boring month (unless you like the NHL and NBA)

1) The best part of the blockbuster trade from yesterday? The city of Chicago now has its solution for the homeless epidemic on the south side. You see, now that Larry Hughes is a Bull, there will be plenty of bricks to build a dozen new homeless shelters in the area. HEY-YO!! ZING! Ok in all seriousness, I'm trying to get JOB excited for The Larry Hughes Era, and I was having a tough time. But JOB will be quick to point out he was an all-star in DC, and he's essentially the same player now...just with an awful contract. And I've always liked his defense...the folks at 82games.com will back me up with the hard numbers.

2) Since half the roster was traded yesterday, the Cavs are rocking an NBDL lineup tonight against the Wiz. They hung on to win by a point, with The Bron hitting the decisive free throws with 7 seconds left. LeBron, off of two straight triple-doubles, clinches the MVP with this win, in my opinion. I mean seriously, I love what Chris Paul is doing as much as anyone, but how do you deny LeBron his first MVP after the season he's had with the roster up until this point? Even Skip Bayless was showing some love this morning on Cold Pizz...err, "First Take"

3) I'm not really excited for Semi-Pro. Am I in the minority on this one? I love Will Ferrell as much as the next frat boy, but I'm ready for him to go in another direction. Yes, Stranger Than Fiction was another direction (as well as filmed in my old building), but he needs to take a chance comedically. Think Bill Murray in Rushmore. The sad pathetic bastard role suited him perfectly, and opened the door for Lost in Translation, which got him an Oscar nod. Ferrell has that kind of transition in him, and I'd love to see him go for it. (keep in mind, I'm not talking about a jump to a dramatic role, like Truman Show with Jim Carrey, as Rushmore was a comedy for Bill Murray, I'd love to see Ferrell do something more subtle like that)

4) the Blackhawks are still within shouting distance of the playoffs in the crowded west. GM Dale Tallon isn't exactly in buying mode, and it'd be nice to unload Martin LaPointe for some prospects or draft picks. Patrick Kane is putting the finishing touches on the Calder Trophy (thats the rookie of the year), and other youngsters Cam Barker, Dave Bolland and Jack Skille are showing tons of promise. The future is bright on the west side, kids. Next year

Breaking News...

Cavs get Ben Wallace, Former Miami Redhawk Wally Sczerbiak, Joe Smith, Delonte West

Bulls get Larry Hughes, Cedric Simmons, Drew Gooden

Sonics get Ira Newble, Donyell Marshall

Your move, Skurny

And congrats to Danny Ferry for saving his job! And hopefully this shuts everyone up about LeBron being pissed off (he's not). Just admit it, ALL OF YOU! YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS! YOU ARE SO PISSED THAT A GUY THIS GOOD PLAYS IN CLEVELAND! ADMIT IT! IT EATS YOU UP INSIDE!!

Daddy's Home!

I'm somehow immune from jetlag. I don't know how I'm able to avoid this, but my only real superpower is being able to avoid fatigue after a long (8 hour) trip. Well I'm back in the states for the first time in a month. I think we can all agree that Amsterdam, above all places was the most fun. But in true BB fashion, I will now present a list of underrated/overrated (as well as "accurately rated") in Europe.

1) Most underrated city on my trip: Glasgow, Scotland. This place gets a bad rap. In fact, people looked at me funny when I told them I was going there. To them, it'd be like vacationing in Dover, Delaware. But Glasgow has come a long, long way since....well, since it sucked, I guess. Basically, this city has benefited greatly from the fact that all the smart artsy kids from London move here after finishing school. The biggest beneficiary of this has absolutely been the music scene. Of course we all know Franz Ferdinand and KT Tunstall, but I saw a couple bands during my 5 days here, the most impressive of which was the Attic Lights. Think Wilco, with the lyrical soul and UK spirit of Snow Patrol. Great live band, too. Also great about Glasgow, the girls dress like sluts, and are uber-friendly.

2) Most overrated: Dublin, Ireland. I know! Blasphemous? Maybe...but Dublin has a few things working against it these days. Its hella-freaking-expensive there. Just as bad as London. Its not the cleanest place in the world. And perhaps most disappointing, the nightlife is somewhat lacking. Sure, Saturday nights are rowdy...but I looked onto the streets of Temple Bar and thought I could've just as easily been in Lincoln Park (what with the clientele, and various irish pubs). Another big strike against Dublin was the fact that there is currently a major housing shortage right now, with students and young professionals forced to live in hostels. As in...my hostel...which resembled a multicultural freshman dormitory. Everyone was nice, but they were all broke, and didn't want to go out partying much. The daytime tourist stuff was cool though...remind me to scan my Jameson certificate!

3) Most accurately rated: Amsterdam. Everything you hear about this place is 100% true. There is no vice, no sin, no bastion of excess that isn't within walking distance of your hotel in Amsterdam. I did things in this town that I may never speak of again.

4) Missing the cut: Edinburgh (was having too much fun in Glasgow, skipped it). Brussels (ditto, only in Amsterdam), and Paris (been there done that, not all that great, really). And I guess Sri Lanka is worth mentioning, but I mostly just lay around the pool reading during my two weeks there, while my dad's servants brought me Carlsberg after Carlsberg. I felt like one of those sheik muslim princes.

The moral of the story?

Unemployment rules.

Thoughts on the Game...

I thought I'd take the opportunity to share some of my Super Bowl XL2 thoughts with everyone...you know, since no one asked. Fair warning, this is quite long...but then again, its not every day that you get to watch America's biggest sporting even in a city that calls a giant ferris wheel as its finest architectural and technological accomplishment of the past 50 years.

- Game was broadcast on BBC as well as SkySports here in London. Rounding out the crack studio crew for Sky Sports were former Patriots receiver (and London native) Scott McCready (or, "who?" as I liked to call him), and...I swear on my life I'm not making this up...the fucking special teams coach for the SMU football team. Yes, you read that correctly. Unfortunately his name escapes me (shocking, I know). But this was the best that Sky Sports could do. A coach...not even a head coach...for a second tier division 1 college football team! Which begs the question...why wasn't I hired?

-After the first half, the bar I was at actually changed the channel to the BBC telecast. This was an even more odd, since it was essentially the NFL Network broadcast minus commercial interruption. Think about that...a Super Bowl without commercials. Something was just missing. So instead of the commercials, viewers were treated to in game analysis from two british dudes and...former all pro safety Rod Woodson?? What the heck is he doing here? Has he fired his agent yet? Actually, I theorized that Sky Sports and BBC actually made a pregame trade- the SMU special teams coach for Rod Woodson. Thats the only explanation for how out of place both of them appeared in their respective roles.

-the bar I was at, called the Walkabout, actually featured a team of London cheerleaders, called "The London Rockets" (they even have a website! complete with a review and breakdown of the cinematic classic Bring it On: In It to Win It!). These gals, while not completely wretched looking, certainly weren't the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, either. Unfortunately, their routines consisted of zero stunts, and the most elaborate move was when they waved their hands in the air, and waved them like they just didn't care. At one point in the evening, they strutted around the bar trying to raise money for some tour. One of the guys I was watching the game with actually turned and said to me, "if we tip them, will they go away?" Probably not a strong endorsement for your cheerleading squad. The fact that they looked like they stepped off the set of the "Mickey" video didn't help either.

-I thought it was worth mentioning...had I organized this party, I would've skipped the cheerleaders and hired the dude that sings the Glasgow Diamonds song (his name is Paul Birchard, in case you were curious). His mustache alone would've been worth the price of admission. And yes, I just wanted an excuse to link to the greatest song ever written.

-Another interesting subplot from the SkySports broadcast was the interactive options, like the "beginners guide to American Football" option. I never thought this was a complicated game until the cab ride home when my scottish cabby was bemoaning the confusing nature of american football. If only every sport was as simple as "kick orb into net" and "fall down and writhe around in faux pain at the slightest hint of physical contact"

-Ahmad Bradshaw needs a nickname, and I think I have the perfect solution: Farooq. Ahmad gets a cool nickname, and the WWF's Acolytes get 15 more minutes of fame. Everybody wins!

-Ok, by the third quarter I was sufficiently hammered (which is what happens when you watch a game with a New Englander, an Aussie and a Hungarian), and these cheerleaders were not getting any better looking. I was having a really hard time talking myself into even the asian one.

-Tom Petty is pretty much awesome. I'll admit I've never owned any of his albums, but like everyone else around me, I knew every word to every song, and by the start of the third quarter, I was plenty fired up...this after nearly falling asleep during the second quarter, a combination of too much Carlsberg, putrid, lackadaisical play on the gridiron, and uninspiring cheerleaders (boy I'm really harshing on these gals). Then Tom Petty comes in and recharged us all with his halftime set. Can we all agree that the first 5 seconds of "I Won't Back Down" is the coolest 5 seconds in rock music?

-Seriously I can't get over these cheerleaders! This reminds me of the Chris Rock bit where he chastises America for "falling for a trickless magician!" (David Blaine). Are we really being entertained by a group of "cheerleaders" that are not only failing at "cheering" but failing to incorporate standard cheerleading maneuvers and practices (like spelling out words, and standing on each others shoulders). This wasn't cheerleading...this was dancing around a bar looking like an idiot. Somewhere, Skurny is collecting royalties. Zing!

Greetings from the Opposite Side of the Planet

Now this is what I call dedication. Despite lousy internet access, a plethora of distractions (85 degree weather, a pool, plenty of alcohol), I'm still finding time to post goals. I hope this got your attention, Skurny...and you too JOB, as neither of you can use your lame excuses anymore ("work" for Skurny, "writing the screenplay for a sequel to Battlefield Earth" for JOB)

1) Not a lot in the way of television options here in Columbo. I woke up Wednesday morning to find my parents thoroughly engrossed in an episode of The O.C. (they just got season 3 here). Luckily I'll be in London by the Superbowl, though I'm told the pubs have rules against staying open past a certain point. Skurny is this true?? The game starts at midnight, London time. I haven't missed a Superbowl since 1987! It would be a travesty if it happened this time. Though I suppose I have a good excuse

2) Since everyone has a boner for movies, I suppose I'll give my two cents. Loved Juno...though I think its merely "entertaining" with some strong performances (JK Simmons, Ellen Page, who I'd totally do, is she 16 yet? The legal age is 18!? Oh...) If Juno is the best movie of the year, though...I think it was a slow year. It was a fun trifle of a picture...didn't feel like it was "The Best" though. Still haven't seen the bulk of the nominated films, though...so maybe I'm not the best person to weigh in. Next...

3) NHL For Idiots Update: LeBron On Skates is out for 2 months. This is devastating to the league, as they miss out on their big ticket draw for the all star game, but this could be a blessing in disguise for the Penguins...as they see what the kids are made of (Jordan Staal, Erik Christensen, Ryan Whitney, et al). Blackhawks update: they are unbelievably streaky right now, they'll win 4 straight then lose 4 straight. Momentum doesn't really exist in hockey (its like in baseball, momentum is tomorrow night's goalie), but it'd be nice to see them get some consistency from the young guys. I'm a big fan of putting the 3 best guys on one line (esp. if they play 28 min. a game), but having Havlat, Lang and Pat Kane all on one line is murdering the depth on the other lines (with Toews still out, that is). I still think they can sneak into the playoffs, but they'll need one of three teams to falter (Vancouver, Colorado, Minny). Lalime has been a beast in net recently.

4.) Now for some potentially devastating news (for all of you, that is). Its looking like its highly likely I'll be moving for school. Possibly New York, possibly LA, but Charlotte NC and even London are in the mix. If this happens (and its still an 'if') it will be before summer. Stay tuned...

Links for the Week

1) Some of you probably saw this link (from USA Today) on the Sports Guy's site, but I'll link it again. Make no mistake about it...this is the greatest team no one knows about (likely because they play hockey...and they do so in Quebec...two factors that don't exactly equate to a ton of exposure here stateside). But the Patriots got nothing on this squad. I remember having an argument with my other hockey loving friend from Detroit (not named Skurny) who tried to tell me that the 96 Red Wings were the greatest team of all time (regular season, at least). Because, as he said, they lost only 13 games all year! I told him that was indeed impressive, as the Habs actually lost 19 games. Well then, clearly the Wings were better, right? But I had to point out, those 19 losses were actually over two seasons...

2) Two new Bond girls were just named. And...umm...well, they're both hot. Olga Kurylenko is a Ukranian that was best known for some bondage film she did, and Gemma Arterton...well she's hot.

3) ProFootballTalk.com hits the nail on the freakin' head. If this happened to a big market team, we wouldn't hear the end of it. But the Browns were the ones that suffered by the nefarious ending of the Colts/Titans game a couple weeks ago. Look, I'm not saying the Browns deserve the playoff spot over the Titans (they probably don't...though its not as if that compelling of a case can be made for the Titans). But for chrissake, at least the Colts could've played a 60 minute game. Why is the media giving Tony Dungy a free pass on this one? Same reason he gets a free pass for hating gay people?

4) I'll be here in two weeks. That'd be my parents' bed & breakfast in Columbo. I helped design the website...though the excessive use of pink was not my idea. The whole house is solar powered, so its obviously very eco friendly. Sadly, when I head to Europe a week later, I can't use that fact to get me laid, since Europeans A) don't care about being "green" and B) hate Americans.

And finally this evening, I'd like to share my thoughts on the Ohio State loss, and the college football season in general (since I know everyone was waiting for it!). I've probably had more fun watching this season than any other in recent memory. Maybe its because I knew how much Hokie football means to the Southwest VA community. But I think its because I found a bar in Chicago (Kincaids in LP) that is the unofficial "Hokie Football Bar". Watching the games among dozens of fans wearing orange and maroon is a hell of a lot more exciting than listening to the telecast on my laptop in my bedroom alone (though to be fair, I can't masturbate at Kincaids...not legally, at least). So in a season with so many twists and turns, upsets, etc, why did it have to end in a disappointment? No, I'm not talking about Ohio State losing- that was maybe the greatest part of the '07 season, and one of the top 50 moments of my life. I'm referring instead to the bowl season in general.

Seriously...and be honest...how many bowl games did each of you watch? One? Two? I watched half of the Orange Bowl and the last 3 minutes of the championship game. The former was up against the ratings juggernaut that is the Chicago Blackhawks on Comcast, and the latter? I just didn't care. A few people were even giving me crap about Tech losing to Kansas in the Orange Bowl. "Oh well", I thought. They still won the ACC. Besides...the win meant more to KU anyway, and their fans deserved it (legitimately good fans...Kincaids is also a KU basketball bar, so I got to know them well). But how compelling can a bowl game be when me, one of the more passionate sports fans around, could care less about the outcome? Is this not the most compelling reason to institute a playoff? Even the damn national title game felt like an exhibition, since no matter the outcome, everyone would either A. gripe that LSU was even playing in the game, with two losses. or B. that Ohio State surfed through a cupcake schedule (plus their fans are the most insufferable people alive, and don't deserve to celebrate anything).

I realize that the BCS system was merely a compromise, and was far better than the previous system. But I've yet to hear a good reason to keep it in place. I don't even know what the official reason is. Anyone??

Jim Sorgi Fan Club

1) I'd just like to go ahead and thank the Indianapolis Colts for barely trying tonight. Midway through the first quarter, and their prevent defense is showing no signs of stopping Vince Young and his negative QB rating. Oh, and Reggie Wayne just fumbled. It also doesn't help that Al Michaels keeps twisting the knife in the side of Browns fans everywhere. There's only so many "that groan you just heard is coming from the shores of Lake Erie" jokes I can take before I put my fist through the TV.

2) In spite of everything, I'm not so quick to become spoiled. The day I complain about a 10-6 season is the day I need to walk away from fandom forever. It was an unforgettable season that reignited my interest in the NFL...if only for one season. The Derek Anderson jersey I got for Christmas will be a permanent keepsake from this year (since this is probably the only year he'll start for Cleveland).

3) It just dawned upon me that the Colts may very well go to their #3 quarterback...none other than the immortal Josh Betts. Yes, the same Josh Betts that backed up Ben Roethlisberger at Miami. The same Josh Betts that was routinely kicked out of the bar I worked at. I'm haunted by the prospect of Josh Betts controlling the Browns destiny...this could have kept me up every night this week.

4) Anyone else excited for Celebrity Apprentice? No...? Anyone? Well I'm mildly intrigued...since I was one of four people to watch every episode last season (when some woman who was barely featured in any of the episodes, and whom the audience knew almost nothing about ended up winning).

5) Vince Young just limped off the field...you can hear the collective groan in Nashville.

Meltdown!

In lieu of recent events (both the writers strike, and AWM's unemployment and subsequent "startup company"). Skurny and I came to the conclusion that a new influx of reality shows would eliminate the need to hire writing talent currently striking. And think about it, what would be a better reality show than one about AWM starting up his own Real Estate Company? After thinking about it, we decided the show would be titled either "Meltdown" (in keeping with the Bravo reality-theme, e.g. "Blowout" and "Flipping Out"), or "Career Suicide" (if it were to be broadcast on F/X).

But have you ever read the episode descriptions for some of these shows on DirecTV? They are hilarious. And AWM's reality show would be no different. Consider the possibilities...

Episode 1: "AWM disputes a finance charge on his Chase Visa; Vicki discovers that no, cats cannot talk"

Episode 2: "AWM discovers he went to high school with the Starbucks barista, gets a free upgrade to a venti"

Episode 3: "AWM throws his XBox controller in frustration; Vicki auditions for featured extra role in Weekend At Bernies 4"

Episode 4: "AWM discovers he is gaining weight in his chin; throws XBox controller in frustration"

Episode 5: "AWM orders italian beef/sausage combo, bristles at idea of being called fat; lashes out angrily"

Episode 6: "AWM wants to know if you're going to eat the rest of that"

Episode 7: "AWM tanks job interview, blames former roommate"

Episode 8: "In twist of sheer irony, AWM begs former coworker for ride; Vicki can't find where the D is located on keyboard"

Must've been a slow week...

1) Wonder if this move is indicative of one franchise's uncertainty? Or another franchise's impending greatness? Probably neither...actually. I just thought it was interesting...

2) Birthday party next Saturday, 8-11pm at McFaddens on State/Division. $20 for the all you can drink package, but that is completely optional. So that means JOB can pull his disappearing act, and not feel short changed

3) In a related story, AWM went to high school with the guy working at Subway tonight, and he got extra pepperoni on his BMT

4) 25th anniversary...

Plenty of Room on the Bandwagon!

I'd like to point out something that may come as a shock to some of you:

Take a look at the following percentages:

.588
.524
.444
.444
.167

Those, my friends, are the current winning percentages of Chicago sports teams this year. And who is on top right now? Thats right, none other than Chicago's Blackhawks! (followed by the Cubs, Bears, White Sox, and lowly Bulls)

Hope everyone caught the game last night...the Hawks beat the Red Wings for the third time already this season (the Wings are 12-3...all 3 of their losses are to the Hawks).

Needless to say, this is an exciting team. And while I'm realistic enough to know that its likely they won't stay atop this "leaderboard", they are creeping back onto the Chicago sports map. Slowly but surely.

They still have a ways to go, however.

A perfect example of this was Friday night. Me and my roommate went to the Hawks game (a win over the Blues), then I went up to Wrigleyville to meet a friend from out of town. They were at Moe's Cantina, an inexplicably pretentious pseudo-posh hangout in the heart of Wrigleyville on Clark St. The bouncer, with his spikey hair and undeserved sense of accomplishment, told me I had to remove my #7 Chris Chelios jersey before entering. I refused (of course), and made my friends leave the place.

What sucks about this is that after Bears games, people are allowed in with Bears jerseys, and of course after Cubs games, thats all anyone is wearing. So why the discrimination against Blackhawk jerseys? Obviously we know the answer to this...but it just sucks. But its changing, dammit!

Quite Bored This Evening...

1) SO what did I do? Went back and read some old school goals group emails! I think my favorite parts are when Nicho calls AWM "Dummy" or anytime anyone says to AWM, "pipe down and let the grown ups talk". I still do that, actually. I did that last week, I think.

2) Skurny stopped by the office today on his way to the airport. He'll be in Europe for the next two weeks. He doesn't want the others to know he's in Amsterdam, so if anyone asks, he's, uh...in England.

3) I realized I'd gone an entire week without writing anything about K2's performance last Sunday against the Seahawks. One of those moments where you knew you were watching something special (or something gay like that). I was about to prepare a "10 reasons why the Browns will beat the Steelers" post, but I figured it might make J.O.B.'s head explode as he invoked his inner Skip Bayless...so I left it in the draft bin. Oh, and also they won't beat the Steelers on Sunday. Thats the other reason. (But in all fairness, who can beat them right now? New England...and thats probably it).

4) Thought I'd close it out today by giving some bold, unsubstantiated Hot Stove predictions.

-A-Rod will be back in pinstripes next season. But who's pinstripes?? The Yankees, actually. He just fits their lineup and budget. LA will trade for Joe Crede

-Miguel Cabrera stays put...for now. The Marlins have a shrewd GM, and he won't take anything less than what he got for Josh Beckett (Anibal Sanchez, Hanley Ramirez)

-The Cubs won't do much of anything. Anytime ownership changes hands, the payroll has to stay about the same. Sucks...but in that division, do they really need to blow things up?

-Tommy Glavine will finish out his career the way it started. Pitching poorly for the Atlanta Braves. (however, as a Braves fan...this scenario is far better than Jo-Jo Reyes getting 25 starts)

-After listening to the radio this morning, I get the impression Torii Hunter will sign with the White Sox. Makes a lot of sense fiscally. And Kenny Williams loves overrated 32 year olds (see: Pierzynski, AJ. Dye, Jermaine)

-I'm going out on a limb and saying Johan Santana stays in Minnesota this year, and possibly beyond. They are opening a new ballpark in '09, and they need a marquee name to anchor that rotation. Something tells me they open up the vault. Who better to open it for?

-Carlos Silva, meanwhile, will get 10 million a year from someone. And I'll probably light myself on fire.

Slowly getting into NHL/NBA mode...

1) First- it appears the NHL has its own network now, available to DirecTV subscribers. Its pretty nifty, actually. Its not unlike NFL Sunday Ticket's Red Zone Channel...they switch to games that are in crucial situations (key 3rd period power plays, 5 on 3's, OT's and shootouts and basically any Sidney Crosby shift on the ice). This is fantastic for the league and I'm hoping against hope that its not just some sort of "free preview" because dammit, I know I'm going to order it, whatever it takes.

2) Last night, in Oklahoma I caught the last two periods of the Stars/Blackhawks game (they actually broadcast Stars home games in the Dallas market, what a novel concept!) and let me tell you, the Blackhawks look fan-fucking-tastic. They are young as hell, and are still prone to bouts of inconsistency (they allowed 3 unanswered to Dallas in the 3rd), but they are resilient and have some unbelievable skaters. Patrick Kane and Jon Toews are for real (18, 19 years old respectively), and in the game I watched last night, they came back and won with 20 seconds left in the game. Do yourself a favor and drop $10 to see these kids play before Christmas. 2nd half of the year, their youth and inexperience will show, and they'll probably wear down. Check 'em out now while they are still on fire. Skurny, you still down for catching a game this week.

3) The Cavs are fucked. No interior defense without Andy Varejao...none whatsoever. How the F are they going to stop all the good interior scorers in the east? All three of them! Seriously...LeBron can't tank the first half like he did last year. It will cripple this team.

4) But on the plus side, the Pistons will probably suck. And the Bulls are out of the Kobe sweepstakes for now...so they can't be taken seriously as anything more than just a second round playoff team.

The Sooner I Leave, the Better: What I've Learned in 2 weeks in Oklahoma

Get it? Sooner? Ha

As you may or not be aware, I've been in Kansas/Oklahoma for the past two weeks (working in KS, but my hotel is in OK). Its been an interesting two weeks. Lets take a look see at what I've learned thus far...

-Every chick is named Tammy

-Every dude is named Scott, Matt or Chad

-apparently there is this band called "Seether" that is just beyond huge down here. They play this song on the radio constantly where, in the chorus, the lead singer refers to someone as "such a f*cking hipocrite" but they edit out the "f word", but not enough to where we don't know what he's saying. I thought this was the bible belt!!??
-the indian casinos are abundant. There was even a mini one attached to a truck stop where I got gas yesterday, just north of Ponca City OK. Played two hands of Pai Gow after I filled the tank

-before getting here, I assumed all Oklahomans looked, talked and acted exactly like famous resident Brian Bosworth. Turns out I was absolutely right

-there are places called "Ponca City". No joke!

-at the aforementioned indian Casinos, it is required to play a 50 cent ante along with every blackjack hand, regardless of the size of your bet. This was a very clever maneuver...as I found it more worthwhile to play $10 hands, as opposed to the $2 minimum. Still, F them for making me do that.

-I'll pause for a moment so some of you can google "Brian Bosworth"

-70MPH Speed limits on backwoods country roads are commonplace. As is driving 40MPH on said roads.

-good looking people are banned from both states. Anyone who wants to present evidence to the contrary, please feel free. I thought my server at a restaurant yesterday was going to apologize for being so homely. I know this sounds mean...but you just had to have been there. I tipped her well, don't worry

-due to the aforementioned observation, I find that I'm talking myself into some of the most mediocre-looking people you could possibly imagine. I sh*t you not, two nights ago I got carryout from a BBQ joint down the street from my hotel, and the hostess, probably not a day older than 20, gave me a flirtatious smile after handing me my babyback rib combo (w/ fried okra and cole slaw...lemonaid to drink). After walking to my car, I thought about running back in and asking her out. After that came a tailspin of strange thoughts- how creeped out would she be if I asked her if she wanted to come back to my hotel and watch Disney Channel? (more on disney channel in a moment) What if we started dating? What if we engaged in sexual acts...but for the soul purpose of me having a funny story for Steve when I got home? What would her friends think of me? Would they think of me as being sophistacted and refined, because I live in Chicago? Or are people from big cities considered creepy and borderline gay? Would it be impressive to her if I knew all the words to a Seether song? Would she be impressed if I told her I knew a girl from Belgium? I kid you not, these thoughts all went through my head.

-there are billboards everywhere for this show on Disney Channel called "Hannah Montana" or something. And by accident last week (and by this point, I would freely admit it if it were on purpose), I caught about 10 minutes of this show. My first thought was, who is this dad character trying to be? A scaled down 21st century version of Billy Ray Cyrus? Then...to my shock, the ending credits rolled, and I realized it was actually Billy Ray Cyrus. Then the chick that played Hannah Montana that suspiciously no one referred to even once as "Hannah" was played by someone called "Miley Cyrus" who after some digging, turned out to be Billy Ray's daughter. Ok, all kidding aside, when was it ultimately decided that Billy Ray Cyrus does not frighten small children, and thus, is deserving of a starring role on apparently the highest rated sitcom on cable TV?

-I'll pause so you can finish reading the history of The Rib Crib in Tulsa OK

-I'm 99% sure that when the pregnant teens here are about to give birth, they all go through the same thought process: "well I want my baby to stand out...and be different! But not too different...I don't want to give her a name that'll get her made fun of at school. What if...what if I just switch out the 'y' with an 'i'? I'm pretty sure I'm the first pregnant teen to think of that!!" Thus...the preponderance of names like Wendi, Tami, Cari, and Mindi. Its like the poetic license of every white trash pregnant teenager. I can't get enough of it

-the following technologies and/or innovations are either undiscovered, or rendered completely unnecessary in the Bartlesville, Oklahoma area:

-water pressure
-picture messaging
-DVR (when I mentioned my DVR to my bartender, Scott, he looked at me like I had 3 heads)
-cruise control (neither of my rental cars had functioning CC)
-staying on 12 when the dealer is showing 6. Unconscionable!!
-wearing a tie (swear on my life, haven't seen one person in a tie yet. I still have 24 hours left here...I'll let you know if anything changes in that department)


-And finally, one of the more disturbing trends is the existence of a christian church across the street or next door to every sinning depot (bar, casino, strip club, Walmart, etc.) I found this highly amusing...as it could very easily be a feature in something like SimCity. Not unlike how, in that game, you could strategically place a police station to keep the crime low in industrialized, low income areas (read: ghetto), apparently the city planners, in conjunction with the baptist churches, have determined that seeing a church next door might deter Scott/Chad/Matt from stuffing a roll of quarters down Tammy's g-string.

I feel like all of these things should be printed on a tourist brochure for Oklahoma. Its faaaantastic!

happy hump day kids

...and that saga is finally over

Career Education: Report Calls For No Further Action >CECO Oct 18, 2007 15:43:39 (ET)
Career Education Corp. (CECO) said Thursday that a special committee of a regional accrediting body won't recommend further corrective action for the company's American InterContinental University, whose accreditation is on probationary status.
Career Education said the committee's recent report isn't a final determination on the probationary status, and that the Commission on Colleges isn't required to accept the committee's conclusions.
American InterContinental University has been on probation since December 2005, and that status will continue through the end of this year.
The Hoffman Estates, Ill., for-profit provider of post-secondary education expects the Commission on Colleges to announce any actions in December, according to a Securities and Exchange Commission filing.

And in a related story, Brown Buddy just made a dick load of money! Ok, so maybe not a dickload, but the stock skyrocketed to $35.00 a share, and since its unlikely it'll get any higher than $40 (and more likely to drop to the $30 range), I sold it off. All of it. Made about 4 grand or so...not bad for a days work :)

Postseason quick update...

Rockies win 5-1! I seriously have a man-crush on this team. This week's "Did you know?":

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/stats/rpi?season=2007&sortColumn=exp_win_pct

The Rockies had the best run differential in the NL this year. 4th overall in the bigs. These guys did not "come out of nowhere" and they did not just "get hot at the right time." This is the best team in the NL, and it would a major, major upset if they lost this series (especially after beating Brandon Webb in game 1).

I'll be in Atlanta tomorrow night for ALCS Game 1. But I'm bringing the laptop with me (along with the internet that Skurny's company pays for), so expect more random thoughts and updates.

(And I'm in a wedding this weekend in Atlanta, I'm not delusional thinking the Braves made the postseason or something)