80k to vacation

No f'n way. F'n seriously? F'n christ!

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/13/nyregion/13bigcity.html?no_interstitial

Let's see:

Month 1) Sleep, order take out, drink beer delivered by pea pod. Watch lots of Kung Fu movies.
Month 2) Everything above plus shower, shave and leave my place on occasion
Month 3) Napa, New Orleans, New York, Philly, D.C., The Grand Canyon, Portland & Seattle
Month 4) Anything I didn't finish in Month 3, plus everything from Month 2.
Month 5) Call people at work to see if they remember me. Laugh at them. Go on interviews, laugh at all offers made.
Month 6-8) Lisbon, Seville, Madrid, Paris, Marseille, Nice, Monaco, Rome, Tuscany, Marche, Sicily, Crete, Peloponesia, Athens, Istanbul, Beirut, Tel Aviv, Cairo, Morocco, London, Home.
Month 9-10) Tokyo, Seoul, Naha, Taipei, Hong Kong, Manila, Vietnam, Cambodia, Kuala Lampur, Sumatra, Home.
Month 11) Go through all of my sh!t that I gathered from the last 5 months.
Month 12) See if work needs me back or if I can take off another 12 months for 60k.

The Goals Group Blog Kindly Roasts Angry White Man

Brown Buddy feel free to add your own.

1) Angry White Man is so angry he makes a Ku Klux Klan gathering look like a gay pride parade.

2) In fact have I told you how gay this guy is? This guy is so fuckin' gay he's got Richard Simmons telling him to tone it back a little. Talk about gay, I've never met anyone as gay as him. When he was six years old instead of a clown for his birthday he got a chippendale. I mean this guy is so gay he sweats glitter.

3) And fat, Jesus Christ is this guy ever fat. Angry White Man has put on more weight than Meat Loaf concert. He's got so much undigested meat in his bowels when he farts it sounds like "moooooooo". My God man eat a vegetable for christ sakes. This guy's idea of a three course meal is a gyro, sausage, and burger combo at the Plush Pup. You homely lookin' fat freak. I honestly think your idea of a diet is killing vegans and eating them so you can get more fiber in your diet.

4) And why is he so stupid? Angry White Man likes beaches so much he went to Saudi Arabia for a vacation. When he got there he couldn't understand why all the mexicans had white rags over their heads and nobody spoke english. He then found a travel agent and told them when he meant that he wanted to travel to the middle east, he was talking about Peoria Illinois.

5) And I would like to close on just how truly annoying he is. This guy is so annoying I'd rather be trapped in an elevator for a day with Gilbert Godfried and Hanna Montana arguing over a pack of skittles.

Angry White Man we only roast the ones we love, and from the bottom of my heart, go fuck yourself you dirty dumb bastard.

Thank you and good night!

goals

1) Bring sexy back (he's pointing at you AWM)
2) Most fucking ridiculous article I've read in awhile. besides this one.
3) Did you guys see this quote from moose? Unbelievable. Second only to TO's "garcia is a 'mo" comment.
4) AWM BROWN BUDDY SKURNY J.O.B.

Farewell Goals

1) Party Saturday night. 8pm at Trinity, on Halsted & Diversey. Optional $20 drink package. For some of you, this could be your last chance! Holy crap I'm going to be drunk...

2) Every one of my teams sucks. I have nothing more to add

3) Moving to Charlotte, NC in a week. Its kind of like Cincinnati, only with more traffic (seriously, its uncanny how similar both these cities are. Both nicknamed the "Queen City", both roughly the same size, and both feature triple A level baseball....zing!)

4) This is my final goal, so I better make it something fitting. AWM- this is really hard for me to say, but I actually don't think you're an idiot. But I still hate you

Who Is That Guy? -- by J.O.B.

I'm back like NKOTB, bishes! All but the Suburban Stallion have seen me in recent weeks and have a clue as to why I was MIA, but for those of you (that's you, Neil Patrick Naugle) that don't know, here are a couple of reasons:

1) I was detained by Homeland Security for my ever-growing stockpile of weapondry (I added the 'd' for 'drama'.) For some reason they thought that I was formulating some kind of militia based around various conspiracy theories. Boy were they off ... still though - stockpile weapons now.

2) I punched 8 more people awkwardly, thus obtaining 8 more battered and shattered knuckles to pair with the 2 I have, rendering me unable to perform normal typing duties. Of the 8, 4 were cab drivers, 2 were frat guys, 1 was a woman with nads and the last was Cohn, or maybe that guy was one of those fire hydrants they paint white ... can't tell the difference, really.

3) I returned to a position at AIU and felt ashamed to tell anyone about it. Nah, you know that isn't true. I mean, why would any of us leave AIU and end up working in admissions for another online style university?

4) Darrin Banks invited me to move to Atlanta but invoked the mighty "no wives, no girlfriends" clause. I took it to heart and since I consider this blog to be my mistress, I didn't dare come here to post. Darrin then fell asleep in the car on our drive down, I dove out, but he crashed and burned to ash and I just walked back up here.

Goals

1) Apparently the whole "its unconstitutional to pay taxes" didn't work. What a loser.
2) JOB insert joke here.
3) So thank you O, JOB, BB, and Skurny for coming over for the Goals Group BBQ. It was so nice to catch up, and I'm so glad we didn't invite AWM.
4) So this weekend I'm headed to Kalamazoo. My weekend will consist of the all american breakfast, homebrews with my best friend and homebrewing buddy, and running a half marathon.

Goals

1) Try and hang with the Andy man sometime this week.
2) One more reason AWM won't come into the city.
3) Anyone seen J.O.B.?
4) Remember that time me, Brown Buddy, and Angry White Man hung out?

Fuck all ya'lls

Been a long time guys. What's my excuse? I've been busy working. Yes, I'm back in corporate america doin my thing. Got a job at Westwood College chattin it up w/ potential students. God college is a joke. Come on now guys, you know i'm fucking with ya. Fuck Corporate America!! and fuck college in the brown eye.

In response to Jnicho's top fighter choice - I've never seen the dude but I'll have to youtube it when I get time... You know, I'm busy. Please, for the love of god, check out Urijah Faber. He's not as popular because he doesn't fight in ufc or pride but imo this dude is the best fighter in the world. He throws fierce punches for his size and his elbows are devastating. Also, he has an amazing amount of strength. He tosses his competition around like they are are in the wrong weight class.

Yes, the Cards are doing great thus far. HGH for the win! Sorry about your Tigers, Skurny. BB, when are we going to a Cards game at wrigleypooville?! Fuckin give a honkey a call! Us unemployeds should stick to our own kind.

Just moved to a new place. If you guys ever make it out to the burbs, we'll have to hang out. Oh wait, I haven't gotten a call to come to the city for a while from any of you. I can take a hint. bastards

Every South Park Episode Ever

1) Luckiest 14 year old ever, and all she got was probation.
2) Cubs are 4-3 and Alan is still on the bench! Typically I don't consider myself a cubs or a sox fan but until Alan's contract expires its cubbie blue all the way.
3) Quite possibly the most dangerous pound for pound fighter in the world today. I saw this fight and was blown away by this guys tenacity and ability to get things done.
4) Every South Park Episode Ever. One more reason not to work.

I'm back, bitches (thought it appears most of you are gone)

I haven't posted anything in awhile...mostly because I'm quite certain no one reads this anymore. But I need an outlet to vent, because there's just so much to talk about right now, so here goes...an incoherent, rambling rant, brought to you in our traditional four goal style (even though none of the following four points would be considered a "goal" by any rational human being).

1) NBA playoffs start next week. I wish I could be excited about the prospects of my beloved Cavaliers, but the fact of the matter is, they just don't have it this year. The new acquisitions haven't gelled yet, and they look painfully slow against running teams (like Philly). However this is no cause for concern for this guy...since the quality of play is better than its been in years. Every night there is a compelling matchup, and every team has at least one guy who could start on a championship team (with the possible exception of Memphis, or New York). I'm loving the NBA right now

2) Hope everyone noticed my beloved Montreal Canadiens grab the top seed in the East today! I like their chances in the loaded East, since they drew the Bruins in the first round (who they were 8-0 against this year). But I want no part of Alex Ovechkin and the streaking Caps, nor the ridiculously loaded Penguins. Even freaking Ottawa is a 6 seed, and they've been crapping on the Habs faces for 3 years now. It'll be a tough road, but I think, more than anything else, a traditional hockey town needs to win the cup this year. Whether its Pittsburgh, Montreal, Detroit, San Jose (you heard me), Philly or New York, SOMEONE must win from a traditional hockey market. I don't know if the league can take another sun belt team with a fickle fan base winning the cup (like Anaheim last year, Carolina the year before, or Tampa Bay the time before that...though to be fair, Carolina fans are underrated, and Raleigh is a wonderful market for the NHL).

3) Baseball, baby! Hope everyone caught the strange incident in the Braves/Pirates game last Wednesday. After bringing in righty Chris Resop to pitch to one of the Pirates tough righties (Jason Bay, I think), Bobby Cox then replaced Resop with lefty Royce Ring to face Adam LaRoche...except he put Resop in left field so he could bring him in again to face another righty in Xavier Nady. The move unfortunately backfired, as Nady doubled in the winning run, but I loved Cox's out of the box thinking. The old man is fully capable of getting creative, and is every bit as spry as he was in the early 90's. That being said, I think managers get pretty ridiculous with the lefty on lefty matchups, and this was a perfect example of that. What I really think is dumb is the idea that right handers hit worse against right handed pitching. They've been facing right handed pitchers their entire lives...I don't think they are shaking in their boots facing one now! Still the Braves are 3-3, and beat the Mets twice this weekend. I'm not as optimistic as some experts on their chances this year, but I really don't think the Mets and Phillies are that much better.

4) How 'bout some music? Some favorites of mine currently: Skurny's recent visit produced a bit more than the usual haze of smoke and Smithwicks, as he turned me onto Band of Horses, a band so good I've been wondering where they've been all my life. Also, the pride of Akron Ohio (other than LeBron James) has a new album out, The Black Keys actually hired Danger Mouse to produce their new album, "Attack and Release." I'm pretty sure Skurny will second my opinion on that one. Also, Death Cab for Cutie has a new album dropping next Monday. Though I'm certain I'll get crap for plugging that one, its important to mention that Death Cab isn't really "emo", at least in the current definition. I mean, they are mellow, and methodical. Completely different from crappy bands like Panic at the Disco or whatever the fuck they're called, who are considered "emo" by mainstream music pundits. So can we all agree to stop referring to Death Cab as emo? Thank you, that is all.

Happy Easter

Walken in '08 video, but has some of the funniest and classic stuff of him on snl. My favorite was the prankster clip.

SNL Response

Wow, never has such a good idea gone wasted. Oh well.

Honorable mentions are toonces the driving cat, buckwheat, i hate it when that happens, hanz n' franz, coffee talk, cowbell, jane your an ignorant slut, middle age man, bass-0-matic, and the chronic(les) of narnia. Oh and this one

1) Of all the jeapordy skits to choose from this one is my favorite.



2) Who can forget this one. Classic Baldwin.



3) The Continental. I could only find a partial of this. Classic walken before the cowbell ever existed. Phil Hartman did the voice over and they used it after his death.

4) The greatest musical performance ever in the history of SNL?

The SNL Challenge

This was a long time coming, and I wonder how it did not come up before.

Simply put, post links to watch the 4 best snl clips ever.

Rules:

1) It has to be from SNL and not a performance by a cast member on another show (so no Joe Piscapo specials, or clips from Zoolander etc.)
2) Skits, opening monologues, musical performances, cartoons, news casts, are all elligible. Essentially if it was aired during the show its fair game.
3) Time wise I'll give you guys a week or two, or until everyone posts and then I'll post my own.
4) Is there a way to let SNL know we are doing this? I'll leave that to our unofficial liasion and spokesperson, J.O.B., or whomever else wants to take up the torch.
5) Have fun...and I can't wait to see what you folks post...

Uh, What? -- by J.O.B.

1) Angry White Man

2) I've got a new website launching in a few days. I'll keep you guys posted so that you can poke fun and squeal like ninnies. That's right, I busted out the word ninnies. Cuz' I'm modern.

3) No Jnicho, I didn't turn that into a pro-gun post a week ago. I ... fuck it - I like guns, everyone should carry them and even conceal them if they so choose. You know why? Because then people wouldn't dare do half the dumb shit they do. Like pulling in front of me on the expressway and then going -12 miles an hour.

4) While AWM is all excited that the odds of men being anally raped is up with the new prison percentages, I'm busy whacking off to nerd porn.

Looks like someone other than us reads this crap!

Remember my Super Bowl post? I went to a party in London, and, after rereading the original post, I realize that my comments about the London cheerleaders (or whatever they are) may have come off as a bit harsh. Apparently, "Emma" agrees...she found the post, and sent me a nice email. Here it is... (PS, how the hell did she know my email address?? Is it published? Update: yup!)

Hi there

I coach the squad that you ran down in your NFL blog post and I just wanted to get in touch to correct a few inaccuracies. It's up to you if you do anything about them.

1. There were more than one cheerleading squads in the bar that night and, if you were late, it's more than likely that you missed us.

2. We did do minor stunts but what with it being dark and, well a bar, we figured not so safe (yeah, that's a priority I'm afraid).

3. We were fundraising for a competition not a tour (though you may have been talking about the other squad present?)

So, I'd appreciate you removing the link to our site - though to be honest I think all it does is contradict your post!

You know, I get the whole 'angry man' thing that you've got going on but maybe lighten up a bit eh? It was just a party after all.

Thanks,

Emma

Head Coach

London Rockets Cheerleaders

Ok in all seriousness, I'm not sure I wrote anything that would give off an "angry man" vibe. I mean, we have Angry White Man for that, right? And as for the lack of stunting, yes, I suppose a dark bar with a low ceiling is not the best place for stunts. As for me calling them unattractive...well, sorry if that comes off as mean. I really am. But I'm entitled to an opinion on that subject...its part of being a guy (though to be fair, she wasn't calling me out on that).

As for the fundraising...there was ONE squad there that night, I don't remember any other squad being there. And they WERE walking around asking for money. Whether it was for a competition, or a tour is irrelevant. It was a strange sight to behold, and though I did donate two quid, I felt ridiculous doing it. SO there you have it. I apologize for offending anyone, but I stand by everything I wrote. So, I guess this isn't much of an apology after all...

Update: it probably doesn't help things that my original super bowl post is filed under "eurotrash"

Slacker Love -- by J.O.B.

1) Why not start by responding directly to BB's post since we're on here within hours of each other?

• As I told BB through the magic of text messages, Larry Hughes actually hasn't been throwing up bricks. He had a PER of 21 in the contract/All-Star season in D.C. and hasn't soared over 14 since. You'd think "bricks" is the problem, but he's been shooting the same from the field and better from behind the arc. The issue? In D.C., Hughes was the slasher - the guy who attacked the basket and therefore he went to the stripe more. In Cleveland, that job is and should be 'Bron-'Bron's. Chicago has no slasher so here's to the hope that he doesn't become Ron Mercer.
• Beating the Wizards doesn't earn you an MVP award. Ever. True, 'Bron has been maxing lately and could very well win it, but it isn't over yet kids. This is the time of year when the MVP usually steps out of the morass.
• The problem with Ferrell is the same problem too many actors never realize - he isn't a bonafide leading man, but he keeps playing leading man roles. Just because it's comedy doesn't mean he is supposed to be the main character every time. Steve Carrell is running into the same issue (and trying to save himself with The Office) and Jim Carrey is living it right now. Actors make it big as the lead role in one movie and then refuse to take a solid supporting role ever again. What's worse is that Ferrell's comedic characters are all a version of the same guy.
• Blackhawks: fun to watch; confusing to root for.

2) Considering the employment status of our team right now, I wonder if one of us is going to extend an honorary spot on the GoalsGroup to Kelvin Sampson.

3) The official website for the talent management/production company I started should be up next week. I have investor meetings this week as well and if they go well, J.O.B. may be due for a name change (if anyone knows a good acronym for "self-employed," I'm all ears.

4) I'd like to dedicate this goal to the victims of the NIU shooting. Sadly enough, your pain is going to be turned into a renewed attempt to enact more gun laws that will have no bearing on things like this that happened. In fact, they will most likely open the doors for more events like this. Anybody that wants to debate it - you know I'm ready to defend my point.

February! The most boring month (unless you like the NHL and NBA)

1) The best part of the blockbuster trade from yesterday? The city of Chicago now has its solution for the homeless epidemic on the south side. You see, now that Larry Hughes is a Bull, there will be plenty of bricks to build a dozen new homeless shelters in the area. HEY-YO!! ZING! Ok in all seriousness, I'm trying to get JOB excited for The Larry Hughes Era, and I was having a tough time. But JOB will be quick to point out he was an all-star in DC, and he's essentially the same player now...just with an awful contract. And I've always liked his defense...the folks at 82games.com will back me up with the hard numbers.

2) Since half the roster was traded yesterday, the Cavs are rocking an NBDL lineup tonight against the Wiz. They hung on to win by a point, with The Bron hitting the decisive free throws with 7 seconds left. LeBron, off of two straight triple-doubles, clinches the MVP with this win, in my opinion. I mean seriously, I love what Chris Paul is doing as much as anyone, but how do you deny LeBron his first MVP after the season he's had with the roster up until this point? Even Skip Bayless was showing some love this morning on Cold Pizz...err, "First Take"

3) I'm not really excited for Semi-Pro. Am I in the minority on this one? I love Will Ferrell as much as the next frat boy, but I'm ready for him to go in another direction. Yes, Stranger Than Fiction was another direction (as well as filmed in my old building), but he needs to take a chance comedically. Think Bill Murray in Rushmore. The sad pathetic bastard role suited him perfectly, and opened the door for Lost in Translation, which got him an Oscar nod. Ferrell has that kind of transition in him, and I'd love to see him go for it. (keep in mind, I'm not talking about a jump to a dramatic role, like Truman Show with Jim Carrey, as Rushmore was a comedy for Bill Murray, I'd love to see Ferrell do something more subtle like that)

4) the Blackhawks are still within shouting distance of the playoffs in the crowded west. GM Dale Tallon isn't exactly in buying mode, and it'd be nice to unload Martin LaPointe for some prospects or draft picks. Patrick Kane is putting the finishing touches on the Calder Trophy (thats the rookie of the year), and other youngsters Cam Barker, Dave Bolland and Jack Skille are showing tons of promise. The future is bright on the west side, kids. Next year

Goals

1) Are 3 out of 5 goals group members unemployed? Hilarious.

2) Spent the weekend in Gary. I recommend Zel's Chili Cheese Beef. AWM might need two. Three if BB is paying.

3) I concur with BB assesment of Amsterdam. But interestingly juxtapositioned against some truly wonderful cultural aspects as well. For instance the Ann Frank's house can be found along the river near the red light district, and the royal museum has one of the greatest collection of works outside of Paris.

4) Can it be baseball season already? Bulls and Hawks blow.

Daddy's Home!

I'm somehow immune from jetlag. I don't know how I'm able to avoid this, but my only real superpower is being able to avoid fatigue after a long (8 hour) trip. Well I'm back in the states for the first time in a month. I think we can all agree that Amsterdam, above all places was the most fun. But in true BB fashion, I will now present a list of underrated/overrated (as well as "accurately rated") in Europe.

1) Most underrated city on my trip: Glasgow, Scotland. This place gets a bad rap. In fact, people looked at me funny when I told them I was going there. To them, it'd be like vacationing in Dover, Delaware. But Glasgow has come a long, long way since....well, since it sucked, I guess. Basically, this city has benefited greatly from the fact that all the smart artsy kids from London move here after finishing school. The biggest beneficiary of this has absolutely been the music scene. Of course we all know Franz Ferdinand and KT Tunstall, but I saw a couple bands during my 5 days here, the most impressive of which was the Attic Lights. Think Wilco, with the lyrical soul and UK spirit of Snow Patrol. Great live band, too. Also great about Glasgow, the girls dress like sluts, and are uber-friendly.

2) Most overrated: Dublin, Ireland. I know! Blasphemous? Maybe...but Dublin has a few things working against it these days. Its hella-freaking-expensive there. Just as bad as London. Its not the cleanest place in the world. And perhaps most disappointing, the nightlife is somewhat lacking. Sure, Saturday nights are rowdy...but I looked onto the streets of Temple Bar and thought I could've just as easily been in Lincoln Park (what with the clientele, and various irish pubs). Another big strike against Dublin was the fact that there is currently a major housing shortage right now, with students and young professionals forced to live in hostels. As in...my hostel...which resembled a multicultural freshman dormitory. Everyone was nice, but they were all broke, and didn't want to go out partying much. The daytime tourist stuff was cool though...remind me to scan my Jameson certificate!

3) Most accurately rated: Amsterdam. Everything you hear about this place is 100% true. There is no vice, no sin, no bastion of excess that isn't within walking distance of your hotel in Amsterdam. I did things in this town that I may never speak of again.

4) Missing the cut: Edinburgh (was having too much fun in Glasgow, skipped it). Brussels (ditto, only in Amsterdam), and Paris (been there done that, not all that great, really). And I guess Sri Lanka is worth mentioning, but I mostly just lay around the pool reading during my two weeks there, while my dad's servants brought me Carlsberg after Carlsberg. I felt like one of those sheik muslim princes.

The moral of the story?

Unemployment rules.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday -- by J.O.B.

1) Just watched the Knight Rider movie on NBC. I have to say it can go down as being any less viable as Heroes or Bionic Woman. The new Michael Knight has all the acting talent as Shaquille O'Neal, KITT is a Mustang and Senator Kelly, who I was sure died in the first X-Men, lives on as the boss, but the chick has hypnotic eyes and Val Kilmer's voice keeps me subliminally interested, so I'm a buyer.

2) Because of the proliferation of Satellite, Tivo and On Demand, the ratings of the NBA will never be what they were in the Jordan, Magic, Bird, Isiah era, but has there been a better group of talented athletic players since the '80s? The Bulls might be the lone NBA team without an All-Star level player. Okay, you can probably add the Sixers and the Grizz to that list, but take a guy like David West. Over the last three years playing full time he's averaging better numbers than James Worthy, who he is probably closest to in style and ability - and Worthy is a Hall-Of-Famer. Now if they can just get the All-Star uni's under control ... yep, I separate linked West and East under "All" and "Star."

3) I got to experience lesbian church today. Like, seriously - Our Patron Saint of Muff Divers. There were some 'Mo's there too, but mostly the butch and the butchier. I didn't think that's what I was walking into but since we were the guest of my lesbian sister-in-law, I should have assumed. I won't go into the "Christian" sermon, but it included saying that divorce was okay and the program noted that the senior board member was going to be doing a past life regression workshop. Honestly, the fact that I smelled like patchouli when I left was enough to convince me never to return. Nice people, just not enough makeup and too much foul fish odor.

4) My Auto Show experience is complete after a second trip yesterday. I know my car knowledge is as valuable a commodity as Skurny's carnal knowledge of Shari Naugle, so stay tuned for a run down of what cars mattered at the show.