Top 4 Best Lines from the Bob Saget Comedy Central Roast

1. (Jeff Garlin): "I showed up on the set of Full House, and he introduced me to Mary Kate and Ashley, I asked him, 'how do I tell them apart?' He said, 'Ashley swallows'"

2. (Jim Norton): "Sarah Silverman's fucked so many comedians, she has a little light over her bed to let them know they have two minutes left"

3. (Bob Saget): "Jon Lovitz...your act is like masturbation. You're the only one that enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public."

4. (Gilbert Gottfried): "Cloris Leachman is so old, her tits are labeled 'whites only' and 'colored'"

Farewell Goals

1) Party Saturday night. 8pm at Trinity, on Halsted & Diversey. Optional $20 drink package. For some of you, this could be your last chance! Holy crap I'm going to be drunk...

2) Every one of my teams sucks. I have nothing more to add

3) Moving to Charlotte, NC in a week. Its kind of like Cincinnati, only with more traffic (seriously, its uncanny how similar both these cities are. Both nicknamed the "Queen City", both roughly the same size, and both feature triple A level baseball....zing!)

4) This is my final goal, so I better make it something fitting. AWM- this is really hard for me to say, but I actually don't think you're an idiot. But I still hate you

I'm back, bitches (thought it appears most of you are gone)

I haven't posted anything in awhile...mostly because I'm quite certain no one reads this anymore. But I need an outlet to vent, because there's just so much to talk about right now, so here goes...an incoherent, rambling rant, brought to you in our traditional four goal style (even though none of the following four points would be considered a "goal" by any rational human being).

1) NBA playoffs start next week. I wish I could be excited about the prospects of my beloved Cavaliers, but the fact of the matter is, they just don't have it this year. The new acquisitions haven't gelled yet, and they look painfully slow against running teams (like Philly). However this is no cause for concern for this guy...since the quality of play is better than its been in years. Every night there is a compelling matchup, and every team has at least one guy who could start on a championship team (with the possible exception of Memphis, or New York). I'm loving the NBA right now

2) Hope everyone noticed my beloved Montreal Canadiens grab the top seed in the East today! I like their chances in the loaded East, since they drew the Bruins in the first round (who they were 8-0 against this year). But I want no part of Alex Ovechkin and the streaking Caps, nor the ridiculously loaded Penguins. Even freaking Ottawa is a 6 seed, and they've been crapping on the Habs faces for 3 years now. It'll be a tough road, but I think, more than anything else, a traditional hockey town needs to win the cup this year. Whether its Pittsburgh, Montreal, Detroit, San Jose (you heard me), Philly or New York, SOMEONE must win from a traditional hockey market. I don't know if the league can take another sun belt team with a fickle fan base winning the cup (like Anaheim last year, Carolina the year before, or Tampa Bay the time before that...though to be fair, Carolina fans are underrated, and Raleigh is a wonderful market for the NHL).

3) Baseball, baby! Hope everyone caught the strange incident in the Braves/Pirates game last Wednesday. After bringing in righty Chris Resop to pitch to one of the Pirates tough righties (Jason Bay, I think), Bobby Cox then replaced Resop with lefty Royce Ring to face Adam LaRoche...except he put Resop in left field so he could bring him in again to face another righty in Xavier Nady. The move unfortunately backfired, as Nady doubled in the winning run, but I loved Cox's out of the box thinking. The old man is fully capable of getting creative, and is every bit as spry as he was in the early 90's. That being said, I think managers get pretty ridiculous with the lefty on lefty matchups, and this was a perfect example of that. What I really think is dumb is the idea that right handers hit worse against right handed pitching. They've been facing right handed pitchers their entire lives...I don't think they are shaking in their boots facing one now! Still the Braves are 3-3, and beat the Mets twice this weekend. I'm not as optimistic as some experts on their chances this year, but I really don't think the Mets and Phillies are that much better.

4) How 'bout some music? Some favorites of mine currently: Skurny's recent visit produced a bit more than the usual haze of smoke and Smithwicks, as he turned me onto Band of Horses, a band so good I've been wondering where they've been all my life. Also, the pride of Akron Ohio (other than LeBron James) has a new album out, The Black Keys actually hired Danger Mouse to produce their new album, "Attack and Release." I'm pretty sure Skurny will second my opinion on that one. Also, Death Cab for Cutie has a new album dropping next Monday. Though I'm certain I'll get crap for plugging that one, its important to mention that Death Cab isn't really "emo", at least in the current definition. I mean, they are mellow, and methodical. Completely different from crappy bands like Panic at the Disco or whatever the fuck they're called, who are considered "emo" by mainstream music pundits. So can we all agree to stop referring to Death Cab as emo? Thank you, that is all.

Daddy's Home!

I'm somehow immune from jetlag. I don't know how I'm able to avoid this, but my only real superpower is being able to avoid fatigue after a long (8 hour) trip. Well I'm back in the states for the first time in a month. I think we can all agree that Amsterdam, above all places was the most fun. But in true BB fashion, I will now present a list of underrated/overrated (as well as "accurately rated") in Europe.

1) Most underrated city on my trip: Glasgow, Scotland. This place gets a bad rap. In fact, people looked at me funny when I told them I was going there. To them, it'd be like vacationing in Dover, Delaware. But Glasgow has come a long, long way since....well, since it sucked, I guess. Basically, this city has benefited greatly from the fact that all the smart artsy kids from London move here after finishing school. The biggest beneficiary of this has absolutely been the music scene. Of course we all know Franz Ferdinand and KT Tunstall, but I saw a couple bands during my 5 days here, the most impressive of which was the Attic Lights. Think Wilco, with the lyrical soul and UK spirit of Snow Patrol. Great live band, too. Also great about Glasgow, the girls dress like sluts, and are uber-friendly.

2) Most overrated: Dublin, Ireland. I know! Blasphemous? Maybe...but Dublin has a few things working against it these days. Its hella-freaking-expensive there. Just as bad as London. Its not the cleanest place in the world. And perhaps most disappointing, the nightlife is somewhat lacking. Sure, Saturday nights are rowdy...but I looked onto the streets of Temple Bar and thought I could've just as easily been in Lincoln Park (what with the clientele, and various irish pubs). Another big strike against Dublin was the fact that there is currently a major housing shortage right now, with students and young professionals forced to live in hostels. As in...my hostel...which resembled a multicultural freshman dormitory. Everyone was nice, but they were all broke, and didn't want to go out partying much. The daytime tourist stuff was cool though...remind me to scan my Jameson certificate!

3) Most accurately rated: Amsterdam. Everything you hear about this place is 100% true. There is no vice, no sin, no bastion of excess that isn't within walking distance of your hotel in Amsterdam. I did things in this town that I may never speak of again.

4) Missing the cut: Edinburgh (was having too much fun in Glasgow, skipped it). Brussels (ditto, only in Amsterdam), and Paris (been there done that, not all that great, really). And I guess Sri Lanka is worth mentioning, but I mostly just lay around the pool reading during my two weeks there, while my dad's servants brought me Carlsberg after Carlsberg. I felt like one of those sheik muslim princes.

The moral of the story?

Unemployment rules.

Quite Bored This Evening...

1) SO what did I do? Went back and read some old school goals group emails! I think my favorite parts are when Nicho calls AWM "Dummy" or anytime anyone says to AWM, "pipe down and let the grown ups talk". I still do that, actually. I did that last week, I think.

2) Skurny stopped by the office today on his way to the airport. He'll be in Europe for the next two weeks. He doesn't want the others to know he's in Amsterdam, so if anyone asks, he's, uh...in England.

3) I realized I'd gone an entire week without writing anything about K2's performance last Sunday against the Seahawks. One of those moments where you knew you were watching something special (or something gay like that). I was about to prepare a "10 reasons why the Browns will beat the Steelers" post, but I figured it might make J.O.B.'s head explode as he invoked his inner Skip Bayless...so I left it in the draft bin. Oh, and also they won't beat the Steelers on Sunday. Thats the other reason. (But in all fairness, who can beat them right now? New England...and thats probably it).

4) Thought I'd close it out today by giving some bold, unsubstantiated Hot Stove predictions.

-A-Rod will be back in pinstripes next season. But who's pinstripes?? The Yankees, actually. He just fits their lineup and budget. LA will trade for Joe Crede

-Miguel Cabrera stays put...for now. The Marlins have a shrewd GM, and he won't take anything less than what he got for Josh Beckett (Anibal Sanchez, Hanley Ramirez)

-The Cubs won't do much of anything. Anytime ownership changes hands, the payroll has to stay about the same. Sucks...but in that division, do they really need to blow things up?

-Tommy Glavine will finish out his career the way it started. Pitching poorly for the Atlanta Braves. (however, as a Braves fan...this scenario is far better than Jo-Jo Reyes getting 25 starts)

-After listening to the radio this morning, I get the impression Torii Hunter will sign with the White Sox. Makes a lot of sense fiscally. And Kenny Williams loves overrated 32 year olds (see: Pierzynski, AJ. Dye, Jermaine)

-I'm going out on a limb and saying Johan Santana stays in Minnesota this year, and possibly beyond. They are opening a new ballpark in '09, and they need a marquee name to anchor that rotation. Something tells me they open up the vault. Who better to open it for?

-Carlos Silva, meanwhile, will get 10 million a year from someone. And I'll probably light myself on fire.

The Sooner I Leave, the Better: What I've Learned in 2 weeks in Oklahoma

Get it? Sooner? Ha

As you may or not be aware, I've been in Kansas/Oklahoma for the past two weeks (working in KS, but my hotel is in OK). Its been an interesting two weeks. Lets take a look see at what I've learned thus far...

-Every chick is named Tammy

-Every dude is named Scott, Matt or Chad

-apparently there is this band called "Seether" that is just beyond huge down here. They play this song on the radio constantly where, in the chorus, the lead singer refers to someone as "such a f*cking hipocrite" but they edit out the "f word", but not enough to where we don't know what he's saying. I thought this was the bible belt!!??
-the indian casinos are abundant. There was even a mini one attached to a truck stop where I got gas yesterday, just north of Ponca City OK. Played two hands of Pai Gow after I filled the tank

-before getting here, I assumed all Oklahomans looked, talked and acted exactly like famous resident Brian Bosworth. Turns out I was absolutely right

-there are places called "Ponca City". No joke!

-at the aforementioned indian Casinos, it is required to play a 50 cent ante along with every blackjack hand, regardless of the size of your bet. This was a very clever maneuver...as I found it more worthwhile to play $10 hands, as opposed to the $2 minimum. Still, F them for making me do that.

-I'll pause for a moment so some of you can google "Brian Bosworth"

-70MPH Speed limits on backwoods country roads are commonplace. As is driving 40MPH on said roads.

-good looking people are banned from both states. Anyone who wants to present evidence to the contrary, please feel free. I thought my server at a restaurant yesterday was going to apologize for being so homely. I know this sounds mean...but you just had to have been there. I tipped her well, don't worry

-due to the aforementioned observation, I find that I'm talking myself into some of the most mediocre-looking people you could possibly imagine. I sh*t you not, two nights ago I got carryout from a BBQ joint down the street from my hotel, and the hostess, probably not a day older than 20, gave me a flirtatious smile after handing me my babyback rib combo (w/ fried okra and cole slaw...lemonaid to drink). After walking to my car, I thought about running back in and asking her out. After that came a tailspin of strange thoughts- how creeped out would she be if I asked her if she wanted to come back to my hotel and watch Disney Channel? (more on disney channel in a moment) What if we started dating? What if we engaged in sexual acts...but for the soul purpose of me having a funny story for Steve when I got home? What would her friends think of me? Would they think of me as being sophistacted and refined, because I live in Chicago? Or are people from big cities considered creepy and borderline gay? Would it be impressive to her if I knew all the words to a Seether song? Would she be impressed if I told her I knew a girl from Belgium? I kid you not, these thoughts all went through my head.

-there are billboards everywhere for this show on Disney Channel called "Hannah Montana" or something. And by accident last week (and by this point, I would freely admit it if it were on purpose), I caught about 10 minutes of this show. My first thought was, who is this dad character trying to be? A scaled down 21st century version of Billy Ray Cyrus? Then...to my shock, the ending credits rolled, and I realized it was actually Billy Ray Cyrus. Then the chick that played Hannah Montana that suspiciously no one referred to even once as "Hannah" was played by someone called "Miley Cyrus" who after some digging, turned out to be Billy Ray's daughter. Ok, all kidding aside, when was it ultimately decided that Billy Ray Cyrus does not frighten small children, and thus, is deserving of a starring role on apparently the highest rated sitcom on cable TV?

-I'll pause so you can finish reading the history of The Rib Crib in Tulsa OK

-I'm 99% sure that when the pregnant teens here are about to give birth, they all go through the same thought process: "well I want my baby to stand out...and be different! But not too different...I don't want to give her a name that'll get her made fun of at school. What if...what if I just switch out the 'y' with an 'i'? I'm pretty sure I'm the first pregnant teen to think of that!!" Thus...the preponderance of names like Wendi, Tami, Cari, and Mindi. Its like the poetic license of every white trash pregnant teenager. I can't get enough of it

-the following technologies and/or innovations are either undiscovered, or rendered completely unnecessary in the Bartlesville, Oklahoma area:

-water pressure
-picture messaging
-DVR (when I mentioned my DVR to my bartender, Scott, he looked at me like I had 3 heads)
-cruise control (neither of my rental cars had functioning CC)
-staying on 12 when the dealer is showing 6. Unconscionable!!
-wearing a tie (swear on my life, haven't seen one person in a tie yet. I still have 24 hours left here...I'll let you know if anything changes in that department)


-And finally, one of the more disturbing trends is the existence of a christian church across the street or next door to every sinning depot (bar, casino, strip club, Walmart, etc.) I found this highly amusing...as it could very easily be a feature in something like SimCity. Not unlike how, in that game, you could strategically place a police station to keep the crime low in industrialized, low income areas (read: ghetto), apparently the city planners, in conjunction with the baptist churches, have determined that seeing a church next door might deter Scott/Chad/Matt from stuffing a roll of quarters down Tammy's g-string.

I feel like all of these things should be printed on a tourist brochure for Oklahoma. Its faaaantastic!

happy hump day kids

...and that saga is finally over

Career Education: Report Calls For No Further Action >CECO Oct 18, 2007 15:43:39 (ET)
Career Education Corp. (CECO) said Thursday that a special committee of a regional accrediting body won't recommend further corrective action for the company's American InterContinental University, whose accreditation is on probationary status.
Career Education said the committee's recent report isn't a final determination on the probationary status, and that the Commission on Colleges isn't required to accept the committee's conclusions.
American InterContinental University has been on probation since December 2005, and that status will continue through the end of this year.
The Hoffman Estates, Ill., for-profit provider of post-secondary education expects the Commission on Colleges to announce any actions in December, according to a Securities and Exchange Commission filing.

And in a related story, Brown Buddy just made a dick load of money! Ok, so maybe not a dickload, but the stock skyrocketed to $35.00 a share, and since its unlikely it'll get any higher than $40 (and more likely to drop to the $30 range), I sold it off. All of it. Made about 4 grand or so...not bad for a days work :)

This guy's got goals

1. Congrats to the Indians on eliminating the Yanks and possibly ending an era. I'm terribly sad.

2. So I will be back posting regularly now that I'm back from South America and whatnot.

3. Lucky me, I have to go to Pittsburgh next week for a few days...maybe this time I'll buy the "Shadyside: Ten Thousand White People Can't Be Wrong" T-shirt. I love Yinzers...or maybe this one.

4. Did anyone see the Monday Night Football game last night? One of the strangest, most exciting, disappointing and unbelievable MNF games I've ever seen. Tattoo Dave (long-time Bills season ticket holder) is officially on Suicide Watch in the Buffalo area. I hate Jerry Jones and Michael Irvin. The shit eating grins at on their faces at the end of the game was sickening.

Beertoberfest Goals

1. I'm watching the Manchester United/Roma Champions League live from Rome at work right now. I love working from hotels. (I'm talking about soccer, you degenerates)

2. I love new Party JOB even if he did suddenly vanish into the night.

3. In smoking (meat) news, this story from the always normal South...Jnicho must have something to do with this. Meat smoker, fake leg and one angry legless man.

4. Hilarious clip of Dave Letterman working at Taco Bell for the day....I wish they still did this stuff on Late Night.

God I Love October

A rowdy party on Saturday ushered in my favorite month of the year: October (or as Dane Cook calls it, Actober! Get it??). Here are four things I'm thinking right now regarding the greatest part about the greatest month of the year.

1) Watching this Padres/Rockies game is painful in a lot of ways right now. First off, its tied 6-6 in the bottom of the ninth...and though I could give a crap about either team, I'm still tied in knots. God I love postseason baseball. However, I truly hate announcers who suck, and the two dimwits doing this wildcard playoff game truly suck balls. The lead commentator sounds like he just woke up, and Craig Sager and his technicolor dream coat have the sideline duties. On the bright side, the Rockies fans are adorable. One sign read "bring on the Cubs". Ummm...dipshits...lets not tempt fate by looking past your opponents. Oh, and you play the Phillies if you win this game, not the Cubs. And if you were referring to the NLCS, the Cub fans thank you for jinxing them as well...as if that franchise doesn't have enough superstition to overcome.

2) Speaking of the Cubs, here's what I think about the D-Backs/Cubs series. First of all, the archaic, nonsensical rule that the wild card team can't play the division winner is moronic. Makes NO sense. SO now the Diamondbacks, the only NL team to win even 90 games (boy that sounds strange, doesn't it?), have to play a division winner in the first round, as opposed to the winner of the Pads/Rockies game. So the Phillies, who are red hot by the way, get to play either the Rockies or Padres, both of whom have burned their best pitcher before even taking the field in game one. How is this fair? This needs to change. And Cub fans should be complaining about this, why...when they won their division outright...should they face the best team in the league (record wise, at least)? Besides that, the Dbacks scare the shit out of me. Young team, nothing to lose, gunslinger mentality...and not to mention Brandon Webb twice in a 5 game series. The Cubs match up well against any NL team, but this was their worst possible draw. These Diamondbacks remind me too much of the '03 Marlins. Sorry to go all Joe Buck on you all, but thats my two cents.

3) Matt Holliday needed to go 0-5 in order for Chipper to win his first batting title (and subsequently clinch a spot in the hall of fame). It didn't happen. Thank you Matt Holliday, for shitting on the only silver lining of the 2007 Atlanta Braves. Dick

4) If you're not rooting for the Indians in the AL, you simply have no soul. Either that, or you're the type of person who roots for A. The Taliban, B. the House in Blackjack, C. the Soviets during the Cold War, or D. Ivan Drago, or E. all of the above. Why do I think AWM is this person?

Where we at??

Alright, no one going to post? Dammit I will...

1) I know everyone has a boner for the NFL right now, but I'm one of the few who possesses the ability to see through the ridiculous spectacle. The pre-game Faith Hill musical followed by This Is Our Country/Peyton Manning commercials, can I say it took roughly 3 minutes to be sick of the NFL being in love with itself. I watched South Park during the commercials and watched the game on mute. Luckily for me, I missed Andrea Kramer equating Tony Dungy's Super Bowl win to various moments of the civil rights movement. I'll take the pennant races, thanks!

2) I'm a huge advocate of anyone who can point out that Scoop Jackson is the biggest fucking hack toolbox on the planet. God he sucks. (thats a hilarious read, by the way)

3) NO one has anything to say about Michigan last weekend? I know Skurny is keeping quiet for obvious reasons...but this is right in JOB's wheelhouse! My stance on the situation was, yeah...it was a great game, fun to watch, great for college football (in that the powder puff early seasons scheduling HAS to end, doens't it??). But really...and I mean really...are we really that happy about something that has Ohio State fans elated right now?

4) Got into an argument this weekend with several people that don't know what they are talking about. Do you know Paula Deen on the Food Network? The old white haired lady that is a walking southern stereotype? Well, let me clue you in on something- NO ONE IN THE SOUTH TALKS LIKE THAT! THAT'S A FUCKING CARTOON CHARACTER! I cannot stress that enough. In the 8 years I lived in Virginia (and this is southwest VA, not DC northern VA, so spare me the "that aint the south" bullshit), I've never in my fucking life heard anyone talk like her (or her cartoonish sons, the hosts of Road Tested). In fact, I'd go as far to say that their bojangling, cartoonish shtick makes every REAL southerner look bad. Its a joke, and someone had to say something. So there. I said it!

Talk amongst yourselves

Trivia Newton John

This Wednesday night (as some of you may have heard), I along with my friend Rick will be hosting Trivia Night at Joe's on Weed Street (right off the North/Clybourn L stop). If any of you can make it, it will be well worth it, I promise. 1st prize gets $20 off their bar tab, as well as bragging rights for a solid week. And as an incentive, I'll provide 4 of my favorite questions (one from each round, General, Sports/Leisure, Music, Movies, TV)

1) Historic Route 20 is one of the few major US Highways to extend from coast to coast, from Boston Massachusetts, to Corvallis Oregon. Its known as Euclid Avenue in Cleveland Ohio, 26th Street in Erie Pennsylvania. What east/west street is Route 20 better known as within the Chicago city limits?

2) Of all players in baseball history, this current White Sox pitcher and former Cub is listed first alphabetically, replacing Hank Aaron when he made his debut in 2004

3) Later referred to by REM’s Michael Stipe as one of the premier unsolved surrealistic acts of the 20th century, CBS anchorman Dan Rather was assaulted on Park Avenue in New York City in 1986, while the assailant, William Tager repeatedly shouted this phrase, which was later the title of an REM song 8 years later. What was that phrase?

4) In the film Anchorman, Brian Fantana does indeed have name for his penis. Its called the Octagon. But he also nicknamed his testes. What are the names of his left and right testicles?

5) What is the longest running TV sitcom, and how many years has it been running?

The Cubs Aren't F*cked. And Ian Zeiring...as himself.

1) Deep breath, Cubs fans. You aren't out of anything...yet. If they could afford to lose one of the troika of DLee, A-Ram and Soriano, I'd say Soriano would be the guy they could afford to lose for the month. He's miscast as a leadoff hitter...the vast majority of his homeruns are of the solo variety, and he doesn't really get on base at that impressive a clip (he's no Kelly Johnson, at least). So whoever replaces him (Pie? Pagan?) will have to simply be adequate...and their pitching will take care of the rest.

2) Brady Quinn signs! Every year, everyone gets all bent out of shape over training camp holdouts. It couldn't have mattered less in Quinn's case, who wasn't going to start anyway. I'm actually part of a number of Browns fans who are mildly intrigued by Derek Anderson potentially winning the starting job. Anyone who saw his dismantling of the KC Chiefs last year knows this guy has a big arm and is fearless in the pocket. Good news is, he won't have to be nearly as fearless as he would have in previous years, with Kevin Schaffer, LaCharles Bentley, and 3rd overall pick Joe Thomas shoring up what could be a halfway decent offensive line. Oh, and lest we forget Eric Steinbach...a free agent steal from the Bengals.

3) I forgot to comment on this when it happened last week, but I hope its not lost on anyone that Tim Couch signed with the Jags last week. History has been completely unfair to Timmy Couch, unfortunately. Here's a guy who had unrealistic expectations heaped on him from the moment he was drafted. But lest we forget, he led a freakin' expansion team to the playoffs in his third full season as a starter. Then he got screwed over by one of the most incompetent coaching staffs in recent memory, tore up his shoulder, and sat for three years. This guy deserves his shot...even if its to have a Tommy Maddox-like career. He deserves better than what he got in Cleveland.

4) How could I forget my Lollapalooza review?? I only went on Sunday, but I got to see four bands I've never seen before, and have always wanted to see. First, the highlight of the day was Iggy Pop inviting everyone onto stage with him, then expecting everyone to leave in a timely manner so he could finish his set. I WILL say that it was rather disappointing that the Stooges didn't play a single song off Raw Power, one of the greatest and most influential rock/punk albums of all time. Then it dawned upon me that Iggy really doesn't have the vocal range for "Search and Destroy" anymore (which is unfortunate, since its probably my favorite song of all time). I was dying to see that song performed live, but as it stands, I'll live with the memory of the greatest commercial of all time, and, in my opinion, the best implementation of a song in a commercial (The Who's "Baba O'Rielly" in the Nissan XTerra commercial is a close second...and dammit I couldn't find it online). Anyways, Pearl Jam rocked the house, of course. But what was odd was the final song (Rockin' in the Free World) where all of Eddie Vedder's "friends" came on stage with him. We're talking about a couple dudes in wheelchairs, a fat red haired dude, Dennis Rodman, and Lance Armstrong. This of course led to speculation by myself and Skurny, can you think of an odder conglomeration of people in one place? I said maybe the 2007 Cavaliers, or perhaps even the cast and crew of the movie Domino.

He suggested the Goals Group.

Hmmmm...touche.

1) Salty hits a 2 run single against the Indians. The Braves? Lets just say NEVER underestimate what one patient bat can do to a lineup. They sent 11 men to the plate in the first inning, and ended up scoring 12 total. And ohbytheway, Big Tex hit a 3 run dong, totaled 4 RBI's. I'm going to love this lineup...probably...no, not probably, EASILY the best lineup, top to bottom, that they've EVER had (and this includes the 2003 team, which scored over 900 runs, which hasn't been matched by an NL team since). Sorry kids, this aint your older brother's Braves...

2) This story will probably be bypassed by mainstream media, but it shouldn't. It might be a long time before you read about a bunch of rich old white dudes doing what is right, rather than doing what is profitable. They kept that team in Nashville (where the market completely sucks), out of loyalty, rather than sell to the rich Canadian, who had every intention on moving the team to Winnipeg (or Hamilton). I admit, I was actually rooting for them to move...but I have to admire that kind of loyalty. I strongly recommend you all read that article.

3) Have I discussed the Simpsons Movie yet?? I saw it Sunday afternoon- best movie I've seen this year. What did I like most? There were moments in that movie that I almost felt like crying...I identify with those characters that much. What did I like least? Mr. Burns is almost non-existent! How does that happen!?!

4) The numbers came out today. Of all the new people that started at my company since March, I'm #1 in billing...and its not even close. I don't even work that hard...I can't really explain it...well, maybe I can. AIU, for all its faults, teaches a salesperson how to deal with several types of personalities. A successful recruiter needs that kind of experience.

I never thought I'd ever give that place any credit...I'm going to go take a cold shower now

Bronx is Burning

1) Watched the game last night from the 9th inning on. Skurny's boys need Zumaya back, big time. Looks like a September return, which sucks for Tigers fans who now have to suffer through Jose Capellan and Macay McBride (two former Braves who enjoy walking people).

2) The ESPN love affair with the 3rd place Toronto Blue Jays...err...rather, I'm sorry, thats the Yankees in 3rd place....has reached its absolute apex with the premier of "Bronx is Burning" on Monday night (starring Oliver Platt as George Steinbrenner). I would ordinarily delight in this year's mediocre performance by the Yanks, but I've decided to take a platform of indifference. They are simply a 200 million dollar Orioles. That's it. And I could care less about the Orioles, so why do I care about the Yankees?

3) This article by Gene Wojciechowski represents everything I despise about ESPN and the electronic media age in general. Great Gene, you hate soccer. I'm sure you aren't alone. Why waste 5 pages telling us of all the reasons why? It seems ironic to me that someone who actually receives a paycheck from the worldwide leader in sports is actually bragging about the fact that they can't name more than 6 athletes of the world's most popular sport. He's proud of this fact! How does this guy have a job? I have similar rants on columnists who celebrate their distaste for hockey, but in most cases, its just a hack journalist who can't a laugh any other way than to take a shot at a something as arbitrary as a freakin' sport.

4) Has anyone seen the RGX Body Spray commercials? The girl in those commercials is becoming something of an internet sensation, and yet no one knows her name. If you happen to be in a room full of guys when one of those commercials comes on, take note at everyone's jaw hitting the floor at the same time.

UPDATE: Ok, its amazing what hitting "page 2" on a Google search can do for you. Turns out her name is Rachael Spector, and she hosts some show on the G4 Network, which means my best friend from high school probably knows her, since he works for the G4 Network. This now increases my chances of sleeping with her from .00001% to .00002%.

Oh, and here's a tribute video someone made- set to "Policy of Truth" by Depeche Mode (an interesting song choice, but anytime The Mode gets exposure, I'm ok with it)

Honka Espoo

1) Its no secret that I love finnish names. Saku Koivu, Teemu Sellanne, Sami Kapanen just to name a few. Now the NBA has its first finn, in Petteri Koponen, and I couldn't be happier. The only thing better than his name? His former team in Finland- the Honka Espoo Playboys. Or as I like to refer to them, My New Favorite Pro Sports Franchise. I will be following the Playboys for the rest of the year, and give you all constant updates. (I figure it will earn more attention and respect than you all currently give the NHL).

2) Its just a rumor at this point, but it appears that Andy Varejao could be signing an offer sheet from the Memphis Grizzlies this week. It will take 7 mil a year to keep him in Cleveland. I probably speak for the minority of Cavs fans here...but I have a hard time giving a nonstarter 7 million. But hey, this is the same franchise that once gave Robert Traylor 9 million, so I guess anything is possible.

3) Right...this makes sense...because I'm sure he could do much better than her...Are you F'ing kidding me!?

4) The closest Kwik E Mart in Chicago will be way on the south side, 67th street, I believe. Does anyone else get the impression that 7-11 doesn't really get the joke here? Or are they just being extremely ironic by embodying the very stereotype that a satirical sitcom like The Simpsons portrays them to be? I'm not giving corporate America credit for that...I'm sure someone just hung a check in front of them

Back at it Goals

1. Here's a snapshot of what my week looks like:
Monday: Dallas
Tuesday: Fly from DFW to Hotlanta (Braves are out west)
Wednesday: Fly ATL to Pittsburgh (Probably go to Pirates/Brewers in the afternoon)
Thursday: Fly from Pitt to Chicago
Ugh.

2. J.O.B....looks like I'll be at the bar Thursday night...JNichoPeteCoorsNeoConDBag: Doesn't look like I'm going to your Weekly Moonshiner Convention since I have some dinner plans...Let me know where the bar is and we'll figure it out...

3. Friday I'm going to Taste, first time back in about 6 years...Looking forward to it on one hand (Black Crowes) and not on the other (Large Crowds, stupid people, tourists)...either way, if anyone's down there, let me know.

4. I was going to go over some NHL Signings over the weekend, but I don't want to step on BB's toes...All I know is that Buffalo lost half their team.

5. Bonds is an all-star. Shit.

Jiri Welsch Was Worth It

1) The inside joke amongst Cavs fans still hasn't gotten old: "Jiri Welsch was totally worth it!" This of course being a reference to former GM Jim Paxson trading the '07 first round pick (in what looks to be a loaded draft) to the Celtics for Jiri Welsch back in '05. Welsch played in 8 games. Oops.

2) The movement has started. StartSalty.com has been created. It looks to be created by a 12 year old, but that 12 year old pretty much speaks for all of us.

3) I'm so looking forward to running into Joakim Noah at Hi Tops after a Cubs game next year. Good times

4) This Benoit thing is so creepy, yet oddly fascinating...but I really don't think any more details are going to emerge...I mean, it wasn't like there were any witnesses. Lets just assume he gave them both the Crippler Crossface, posted on Wiki, and hung himself. End of story

Ugh...

1) Head scratcher of a trade between my Braves and Skurn's Tigs. Former 1st rounder Macay McBride for Wil Ledezma. I get that the Braves lost ridiculously sick Mike Gonzalez for the year...but isn't McBride a halfway decent replacement? Just as good as Ledezma...who is out of minor league options, and just as, if not more wild than McBride. Whatever...I'm not going to quibble about left-handed set-up men.

2) In a related story, Buddy Carlyle is making his 3rd start for Atlanta tonight. Could we not get a 5th starter for McBride?!?!?!

3) 1st pitch of the game was hit for a homerun by former Brave JD Drew

4) If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go cut myself and listen to emo.

Larry

1) Mike Brown is in over his head. Look, he seems to be a nice enough guy...good face of the organization, 100 wins in two years, and a trip to the finals this year. But as an NBA coach, you have to choose winning over loyalty...you HAVE to. His decision to keep Boobie Gibson on the bench in favor of gimpy Larry Hughes in indefensible (even though you gotta hand it to Larry playing in as much pain as he's in).

2) Its become increasingly clear that this guy doesn't give a shit anymore. Chipper can't come back fast enough. Meanwhile I'm watching as the Braves steal one at home to earn a badly needed split from the all-of-a-sudden not-so-hapless Cubs (by the way, mark my words: the Cubs are going to run away with that division- its almost mathematically impossible for them to continue playing so badly in 1-run games), Jarrod Saltalamacchia (3-4, 2 RBI) is going to be a tremendous player for a long, long time.

3) Anyone remember the buzz surrounding Fox's "new comedy" The Loop? Set in, and partially filmed in Chicago, its already been axed, and Fox is burning off the last 8 episodes. After catching two of 'em tonight...I have to say, it was a good decision. Bleh...


4) http://www.eonline.com/thevine/player.jsp?mediaID=20294
Hometown girl from Erie PA trying to make it in LA as a standup. She's pretty funny, this clip, while not exactly gut busting hilarious, gives you an idea of what her act is like. She's a pretty cool chick...the more clicks, the better.