Someone in my office just said "No Talent Assclowns" and that, of course, reminded me of you fools.
1. Back from Panama and Costa Rica on Sunday...what an f-ing trip. Highlights in no particular order:
-Turned 26, very possibly the most fun I've ever had on my birthday. The beach, a live band, dancing, stars, ocean, palm trees, hot central american women all over. etc, etc. Puerto Viejo, Costa Rica is alllll right with me.
-My traveling buddy from Michigan was robbed in Bocas Del Toro, Panama.
-I was bitten apparently by a spider and now I have a half dollar size bruise on my arm. I'm going to the doctor today.
-Went mountain biking and hiking on Volcan Baru, the highest point in Panama (it's a volcano).
-Got a tan. Yes, a tan. I couldn't believe it either.
2. Red Wings/Pistons Update: Despite the loss last night to the Stars, the Wings look to be headed to the best Stanley Cup Finals in years with a matchup against the Pens. BB's heart just skipped a beat.
Pistons are rolllling and hopefully this break will allow Chaunce to get healthy in time for the matchup against the 'Brons or the Celts. This series is going 7 because clearly, Boston is incapable of winning on the road.
3. Is there anything more annoying that when people have Bible quotes on their answering machine? I'm all for religion (well, sort of), but when it's on your work phone? Is that appropriate? Really? Thank you, I will have a blessed day, you jerk.
4. Tigers: Still suck, but not quite as bad as before.
5. Bonus Goal: I ran into Mrs. Jnicho on State the other night. Actually, it was less of a "run into" and more like a "secret date at Flemings, in which we shared all our innermost secrets and planned to run away together to the South of France". I mean, what?
Showing posts with label Skurny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Skurny. Show all posts
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
The Plants and the Animals Eat Each Other
1. I finally did the Red Hook brewery tour a few weekend back...great fun, $1 for basically three beers and a killer bar downstairs with all types of delicious, rare brews. Speaking of brewery tours, BB messaged me (drunk) after touring St. James's Gate in Dublin...Guinness for strength! What I'm drinking tonight: Redhook Copper Hook.
2. Going to Oregon this weekend, never been there before and I'm stoked. Going to see the Rogue Brewery and hopefully the Full Sail as well. Other than that, I'll be hanging in Corvalis and Eugene with some Pac-10 beauties.
3. You guys see this? The best is that big trail of blood left on the ice. Popular or not (and maybe that should be Bettman's blood on the ice), but Hockey players are still the toughest sons of bitches in sports.
4. So Blackberry lost service today. I have a Blackberry. Now, don't get me wrong, I like my Blackberry...a lot even. But c'mon, people...get a fucking grip. People were freaking out. Two co-workers specifically walked into my office today (while I was at my laptop) just to tell me. Then I got a phone call from a frantic co-worker in an airport asking me what was going on. The corporate dream is for douche bags. That's why they call me the Business Hippie. Fuck it.
2. Going to Oregon this weekend, never been there before and I'm stoked. Going to see the Rogue Brewery and hopefully the Full Sail as well. Other than that, I'll be hanging in Corvalis and Eugene with some Pac-10 beauties.
3. You guys see this? The best is that big trail of blood left on the ice. Popular or not (and maybe that should be Bettman's blood on the ice), but Hockey players are still the toughest sons of bitches in sports.
4. So Blackberry lost service today. I have a Blackberry. Now, don't get me wrong, I like my Blackberry...a lot even. But c'mon, people...get a fucking grip. People were freaking out. Two co-workers specifically walked into my office today (while I was at my laptop) just to tell me. Then I got a phone call from a frantic co-worker in an airport asking me what was going on. The corporate dream is for douche bags. That's why they call me the Business Hippie. Fuck it.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Super Bowl
My thoughts on the American Football Game played on Sunday (Monday, BB Time).
-I watched the game at a bar in Bellevue (www.taproomgrill.com), 160 beers on tap. I tried about six kinds too many. No average looking cheerleaders, unfortunately…just an above average looking staff.
-Not a lot of football fans at the game (other than my friend and I), especially considering that immediately upon sitting down, I realized there was a gay man and a British women at the table directly behind us. Luckily, he didn’t try to spend the entire game trying to explain the American Football to her. I would have corner kicked them straight onto the motorway. They were my Rod Woodson.
-Text message I sent with 9:45 left to go in the first quarter to Law School Tim: “If the G-men have three or more sacks in this game, they will win.”
Halftime (Giants: three sacks in the first half): “Holy shit I just picked the Giants.”
-I called my friend Ryan (biggest die-hard G-men fan I know and season ticket holder) as the clock was running out…I thought he was going to die he was hyperventilating so badly. Turns out, before fourth down he just ran outside into the street in Queens and just started screaming…his pictures of the parade and ensuing celebration Sunday night are hilarious.
-Little known Giants fact: this is their third Super Bowl Championship and their first parade.
1986: Then asexual mayor of New York Ed Koch (because the team plays in Jersey) refused to throw them one.
1990: The Gulf War (sound familiar to anyone) had just started and there was no parade out of respect to the men and women in service.
Overall, one of the best Super Bowls in my lifetime, without question….I certainly wasn’t planning on that Manning winning a Super Bowl this year. I would have placed my bet on Cooper over Eli in Training Camp. Two nagging questions: Why didn’t Big Bill try to kick the 49 yard FG and instead go for a 4th and 13? Why didn’t Eli kick Tiki Barber squaw in the nuts after the game?
-I watched the game at a bar in Bellevue (www.taproomgrill.com), 160 beers on tap. I tried about six kinds too many. No average looking cheerleaders, unfortunately…just an above average looking staff.
-Not a lot of football fans at the game (other than my friend and I), especially considering that immediately upon sitting down, I realized there was a gay man and a British women at the table directly behind us. Luckily, he didn’t try to spend the entire game trying to explain the American Football to her. I would have corner kicked them straight onto the motorway. They were my Rod Woodson.
-Text message I sent with 9:45 left to go in the first quarter to Law School Tim: “If the G-men have three or more sacks in this game, they will win.”
Halftime (Giants: three sacks in the first half): “Holy shit I just picked the Giants.”
-I called my friend Ryan (biggest die-hard G-men fan I know and season ticket holder) as the clock was running out…I thought he was going to die he was hyperventilating so badly. Turns out, before fourth down he just ran outside into the street in Queens and just started screaming…his pictures of the parade and ensuing celebration Sunday night are hilarious.
-Little known Giants fact: this is their third Super Bowl Championship and their first parade.
1986: Then asexual mayor of New York Ed Koch (because the team plays in Jersey) refused to throw them one.
1990: The Gulf War (sound familiar to anyone) had just started and there was no parade out of respect to the men and women in service.
Overall, one of the best Super Bowls in my lifetime, without question….I certainly wasn’t planning on that Manning winning a Super Bowl this year. I would have placed my bet on Cooper over Eli in Training Camp. Two nagging questions: Why didn’t Big Bill try to kick the 49 yard FG and instead go for a 4th and 13? Why didn’t Eli kick Tiki Barber squaw in the nuts after the game?
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
More Movies, kids
1. Atonement: Didn’t particularly care for “Atonement” much…the performances were good, James McAvoy was excellent but nothing really happened! I was disappointed because of all the hype around it. Basically it’s a chick flick…basically. The only redeeming aspect of the movie is the much talked about continuous 13 minute camera shot on the beach during World War I…very, very impressive. Performances were good, direction was above average but the movie was very underwhelming.
2. Eastern Promises: Another movie that disappointed somewhat. Noami Watts underachieved in this role and never showed what she is capable of (read: 21 Grams). However, Viggo carried this movie on his deranged fake Russian back. He was incredible and deserves every bit of acclaim for this role. It’s another David Cronenburg (most recent: History of Violence) so it moves a little slow and the story isn’t terribly well developed. However, this movie is seeing simply for Viggo’s performance…so apparently he spent a few months in Russia, without knowing the language, just driving around talking to people and getting a feel for the culture. I must say, it paid off. He plays a stone cold Russian Mafia “driver” (amongst other things) and just nails it.
3. Juno: I liked it but didn’t love it nearly as much as everyone else seems to. So I’ve heard it’s good from my 14 year old sister and 30 year old hipster friends…which, of course, make me wary right there. However, the performances are good—Ellen Page especially and there are some very funny moments. Jason Bateman has some quality scenes there as does Allison Janney, who plays Page’s stepmom…in sort of a role that normally would go to Joan Cusack if she didn’t suck so bad and could act. Ba Zing! Anyway, I’d recommend seeing it on dvd or hbo when it hits one of them…clearly it’s this year’s “Little Miss Sunshine” but not as funny or endearing. I recommend it (to everyone but AWM, who will surely dismiss it as gay, even though the story revolves around an underage girl get pregnant) but don’t go in expecting a classic. I was surprised to see it get a Best Picture nomination this morning, that’s for sure.
4. Finally…the best film I’ve seen this year: No Country for Old Men
Javier Bardem: Wow. Just wow. An incredible performance on all fronts. Believable, terrifying, cold-blooded. The Coen Brothers have done it again. Of course this is based on the Cormac McCarthy book, which I have not read, but definitely want to after seeing this, takes place in Texas and involves a drug deal gone bad and $2 million going missing. James Brolin (James Brolin!?) has had a huge year with this and American Gangster (which will have to wait for another review session) and he’s very good in this movie. Tommy Lee Jones, who I’m typically a huge fan of, delivers in his role as an aging small town sheriff. I haven’t seen There Will Be Blood yet, but so far this is the best film I’ve seen all year…couldn’t recommend it more. Bardem’s performance is one of the best of the year, no question about it. “What’s this guy supposed to be, the ultimate badass?”
2. Eastern Promises: Another movie that disappointed somewhat. Noami Watts underachieved in this role and never showed what she is capable of (read: 21 Grams). However, Viggo carried this movie on his deranged fake Russian back. He was incredible and deserves every bit of acclaim for this role. It’s another David Cronenburg (most recent: History of Violence) so it moves a little slow and the story isn’t terribly well developed. However, this movie is seeing simply for Viggo’s performance…so apparently he spent a few months in Russia, without knowing the language, just driving around talking to people and getting a feel for the culture. I must say, it paid off. He plays a stone cold Russian Mafia “driver” (amongst other things) and just nails it.
3. Juno: I liked it but didn’t love it nearly as much as everyone else seems to. So I’ve heard it’s good from my 14 year old sister and 30 year old hipster friends…which, of course, make me wary right there. However, the performances are good—Ellen Page especially and there are some very funny moments. Jason Bateman has some quality scenes there as does Allison Janney, who plays Page’s stepmom…in sort of a role that normally would go to Joan Cusack if she didn’t suck so bad and could act. Ba Zing! Anyway, I’d recommend seeing it on dvd or hbo when it hits one of them…clearly it’s this year’s “Little Miss Sunshine” but not as funny or endearing. I recommend it (to everyone but AWM, who will surely dismiss it as gay, even though the story revolves around an underage girl get pregnant) but don’t go in expecting a classic. I was surprised to see it get a Best Picture nomination this morning, that’s for sure.
4. Finally…the best film I’ve seen this year: No Country for Old Men
Javier Bardem: Wow. Just wow. An incredible performance on all fronts. Believable, terrifying, cold-blooded. The Coen Brothers have done it again. Of course this is based on the Cormac McCarthy book, which I have not read, but definitely want to after seeing this, takes place in Texas and involves a drug deal gone bad and $2 million going missing. James Brolin (James Brolin!?) has had a huge year with this and American Gangster (which will have to wait for another review session) and he’s very good in this movie. Tommy Lee Jones, who I’m typically a huge fan of, delivers in his role as an aging small town sheriff. I haven’t seen There Will Be Blood yet, but so far this is the best film I’ve seen all year…couldn’t recommend it more. Bardem’s performance is one of the best of the year, no question about it. “What’s this guy supposed to be, the ultimate badass?”
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Left Coast Goals
1. Hello from Seattle... so since getting here this morning I've:
-Drank a latte
-Listened to Eddie Vedder
-Bought organic bananas
both while it was raining. It's official, I am in Seattle.
2. What I'm drinking:
-Full Sail Brewing's LTD Series
&
Red Hook's Winterhook
3. BB's BOY Ron Paul actually hates half of BB and all of AWM...or at least in 1992 he did. Still voting for him?
4. So where I'm staying is literally 200 yards from Microsoft's World Headquarters. So if anyone is currently having Windows or XBOX issues, please let me know and I'll be glad to shake my fist at it first thing tomorrow. Or, if you prefer, I will throw eggs. Please send a money order to bail me out of jail. Thank you.
-Drank a latte
-Listened to Eddie Vedder
-Bought organic bananas
both while it was raining. It's official, I am in Seattle.
2. What I'm drinking:
-Full Sail Brewing's LTD Series
&
Red Hook's Winterhook
3. BB's BOY Ron Paul actually hates half of BB and all of AWM...or at least in 1992 he did. Still voting for him?
4. So where I'm staying is literally 200 yards from Microsoft's World Headquarters. So if anyone is currently having Windows or XBOX issues, please let me know and I'll be glad to shake my fist at it first thing tomorrow. Or, if you prefer, I will throw eggs. Please send a money order to bail me out of jail. Thank you.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
goals for your mother
1. Had a nice time in Michigan for Christmas and rounded out my Seinfeld DVD collection nicely...other than that, it was cold, snowy and full of drunk friends. And it took me 14 hours to get from Grand Rapids to Harrisburg. GR to Detroit to Philly to H-Burg, thanks Northwest.
2. Man...anyone watch the Motor City Bowl last night? The Chips nearly pulled out a near miracle win against Perdue (yes I know that's not the spelling of the university, but rather the chicken company).
3. New Year's looks to be located in Philadelphia as my plans for New York were foiled by the Man. I have to work New Year's Eve until at least 2pm or so, and with traffic there's no way I'm attempting that.
4. Skurny heads west in January...stay tuned.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Saturday Goals
Since I'm stuck at the office on a Saturday I thought I'd post some goals....
1. Grand Rapids' own Mayweather/Hatton tonight: Should be a classic. I'll be watching the fight with my friend "The artist formerly known as Law School Tim" down in Baltimore. I like MY BOY Floyd in 9th Round KO. Yes, I am a homer. But I've picked him for every fight, and he hasn't lost yet!
2. Quick college basketball prediction: Duke beats Michigan by at least 40 today in Cameron. The true freshman backcourt (Manny Harris and Kelvin Grady) is going to get eaten alive today.
3. So I think my next Project is going to be allllll the way out in Seattle. Looks to be a mid-January arrival and I can't wait!
4. After the finale reunion special capsule: "Phil's real estate business begins to take off as he finds out his first property is located at 3500 Halsted. Phil arrives, vomits and vows never to return to Chicago; Vicki wonders what a 'reach around' is."
1. Grand Rapids' own Mayweather/Hatton tonight: Should be a classic. I'll be watching the fight with my friend "The artist formerly known as Law School Tim" down in Baltimore. I like MY BOY Floyd in 9th Round KO. Yes, I am a homer. But I've picked him for every fight, and he hasn't lost yet!
2. Quick college basketball prediction: Duke beats Michigan by at least 40 today in Cameron. The true freshman backcourt (Manny Harris and Kelvin Grady) is going to get eaten alive today.
3. So I think my next Project is going to be allllll the way out in Seattle. Looks to be a mid-January arrival and I can't wait!
4. After the finale reunion special capsule: "Phil's real estate business begins to take off as he finds out his first property is located at 3500 Halsted. Phil arrives, vomits and vows never to return to Chicago; Vicki wonders what a 'reach around' is."
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Meltdown!
In lieu of recent events (both the writers strike, and AWM's unemployment and subsequent "startup company"). Skurny and I came to the conclusion that a new influx of reality shows would eliminate the need to hire writing talent currently striking. And think about it, what would be a better reality show than one about AWM starting up his own Real Estate Company? After thinking about it, we decided the show would be titled either "Meltdown" (in keeping with the Bravo reality-theme, e.g. "Blowout" and "Flipping Out"), or "Career Suicide" (if it were to be broadcast on F/X).
But have you ever read the episode descriptions for some of these shows on DirecTV? They are hilarious. And AWM's reality show would be no different. Consider the possibilities...
Episode 1: "AWM disputes a finance charge on his Chase Visa; Vicki discovers that no, cats cannot talk"
Episode 2: "AWM discovers he went to high school with the Starbucks barista, gets a free upgrade to a venti"
Episode 3: "AWM throws his XBox controller in frustration; Vicki auditions for featured extra role in Weekend At Bernies 4"
Episode 4: "AWM discovers he is gaining weight in his chin; throws XBox controller in frustration"
Episode 5: "AWM orders italian beef/sausage combo, bristles at idea of being called fat; lashes out angrily"
Episode 6: "AWM wants to know if you're going to eat the rest of that"
Episode 7: "AWM tanks job interview, blames former roommate"
Episode 8: "In twist of sheer irony, AWM begs former coworker for ride; Vicki can't find where the D is located on keyboard"
But have you ever read the episode descriptions for some of these shows on DirecTV? They are hilarious. And AWM's reality show would be no different. Consider the possibilities...
Episode 1: "AWM disputes a finance charge on his Chase Visa; Vicki discovers that no, cats cannot talk"
Episode 2: "AWM discovers he went to high school with the Starbucks barista, gets a free upgrade to a venti"
Episode 3: "AWM throws his XBox controller in frustration; Vicki auditions for featured extra role in Weekend At Bernies 4"
Episode 4: "AWM discovers he is gaining weight in his chin; throws XBox controller in frustration"
Episode 5: "AWM orders italian beef/sausage combo, bristles at idea of being called fat; lashes out angrily"
Episode 6: "AWM wants to know if you're going to eat the rest of that"
Episode 7: "AWM tanks job interview, blames former roommate"
Episode 8: "In twist of sheer irony, AWM begs former coworker for ride; Vicki can't find where the D is located on keyboard"
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Lost Goals
1. Hey kids...no party for me this weekend, I'm heading up to Buffalo, New York (which is lovely this time of year...28 degrees on Saturday) to hang out with Misfits Dave, who BB had a really interesting conversation one time. And Czar of the StatTracker invited me even though he knew I wasn't in town.
2. London/Amsterdam were great, as expected. I think my international travels are grounded at least til Febuary unfortunately. AWM-there are non-white people in Europe as well. Sorry.
3. All signs point to Les Miles returning to Michigan...I'm happy with it, I suppose...but not really excited either.
4. Trent "I can still say 'Coloreds', right?" Lott is giving up his seat in the Senate. Now he's looking into Lobbying, where he has more money and power. Scary.
2. London/Amsterdam were great, as expected. I think my international travels are grounded at least til Febuary unfortunately. AWM-there are non-white people in Europe as well. Sorry.
3. All signs point to Les Miles returning to Michigan...I'm happy with it, I suppose...but not really excited either.
4. Trent "I can still say 'Coloreds', right?" Lott is giving up his seat in the Senate. Now he's looking into Lobbying, where he has more money and power. Scary.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
The Sooner I Leave, the Better: What I've Learned in 2 weeks in Oklahoma
Get it? Sooner? Ha
As you may or not be aware, I've been in Kansas/Oklahoma for the past two weeks (working in KS, but my hotel is in OK). Its been an interesting two weeks. Lets take a look see at what I've learned thus far...
-Every chick is named Tammy
-Every dude is named Scott, Matt or Chad
-apparently there is this band called "Seether" that is just beyond huge down here. They play this song on the radio constantly where, in the chorus, the lead singer refers to someone as "such a f*cking hipocrite" but they edit out the "f word", but not enough to where we don't know what he's saying. I thought this was the bible belt!!??
-the indian casinos are abundant. There was even a mini one attached to a truck stop where I got gas yesterday, just north of Ponca City OK. Played two hands of Pai Gow after I filled the tank
-before getting here, I assumed all Oklahomans looked, talked and acted exactly like famous resident Brian Bosworth. Turns out I was absolutely right
-there are places called "Ponca City". No joke!
-at the aforementioned indian Casinos, it is required to play a 50 cent ante along with every blackjack hand, regardless of the size of your bet. This was a very clever maneuver...as I found it more worthwhile to play $10 hands, as opposed to the $2 minimum. Still, F them for making me do that.
-I'll pause for a moment so some of you can google "Brian Bosworth"
-70MPH Speed limits on backwoods country roads are commonplace. As is driving 40MPH on said roads.
-good looking people are banned from both states. Anyone who wants to present evidence to the contrary, please feel free. I thought my server at a restaurant yesterday was going to apologize for being so homely. I know this sounds mean...but you just had to have been there. I tipped her well, don't worry
-due to the aforementioned observation, I find that I'm talking myself into some of the most mediocre-looking people you could possibly imagine. I sh*t you not, two nights ago I got carryout from a BBQ joint down the street from my hotel, and the hostess, probably not a day older than 20, gave me a flirtatious smile after handing me my babyback rib combo (w/ fried okra and cole slaw...lemonaid to drink). After walking to my car, I thought about running back in and asking her out. After that came a tailspin of strange thoughts- how creeped out would she be if I asked her if she wanted to come back to my hotel and watch Disney Channel? (more on disney channel in a moment) What if we started dating? What if we engaged in sexual acts...but for the soul purpose of me having a funny story for Steve when I got home? What would her friends think of me? Would they think of me as being sophistacted and refined, because I live in Chicago? Or are people from big cities considered creepy and borderline gay? Would it be impressive to her if I knew all the words to a Seether song? Would she be impressed if I told her I knew a girl from Belgium? I kid you not, these thoughts all went through my head.
-there are billboards everywhere for this show on Disney Channel called "Hannah Montana" or something. And by accident last week (and by this point, I would freely admit it if it were on purpose), I caught about 10 minutes of this show. My first thought was, who is this dad character trying to be? A scaled down 21st century version of Billy Ray Cyrus? Then...to my shock, the ending credits rolled, and I realized it was actually Billy Ray Cyrus. Then the chick that played Hannah Montana that suspiciously no one referred to even once as "Hannah" was played by someone called "Miley Cyrus" who after some digging, turned out to be Billy Ray's daughter. Ok, all kidding aside, when was it ultimately decided that Billy Ray Cyrus does not frighten small children, and thus, is deserving of a starring role on apparently the highest rated sitcom on cable TV?
-I'll pause so you can finish reading the history of The Rib Crib in Tulsa OK
-I'm 99% sure that when the pregnant teens here are about to give birth, they all go through the same thought process: "well I want my baby to stand out...and be different! But not too different...I don't want to give her a name that'll get her made fun of at school. What if...what if I just switch out the 'y' with an 'i'? I'm pretty sure I'm the first pregnant teen to think of that!!" Thus...the preponderance of names like Wendi, Tami, Cari, and Mindi. Its like the poetic license of every white trash pregnant teenager. I can't get enough of it
-the following technologies and/or innovations are either undiscovered, or rendered completely unnecessary in the Bartlesville, Oklahoma area:
-water pressure
-picture messaging
-DVR (when I mentioned my DVR to my bartender, Scott, he looked at me like I had 3 heads)
-cruise control (neither of my rental cars had functioning CC)
-staying on 12 when the dealer is showing 6. Unconscionable!!
-wearing a tie (swear on my life, haven't seen one person in a tie yet. I still have 24 hours left here...I'll let you know if anything changes in that department)
-And finally, one of the more disturbing trends is the existence of a christian church across the street or next door to every sinning depot (bar, casino, strip club, Walmart, etc.) I found this highly amusing...as it could very easily be a feature in something like SimCity. Not unlike how, in that game, you could strategically place a police station to keep the crime low in industrialized, low income areas (read: ghetto), apparently the city planners, in conjunction with the baptist churches, have determined that seeing a church next door might deter Scott/Chad/Matt from stuffing a roll of quarters down Tammy's g-string.
I feel like all of these things should be printed on a tourist brochure for Oklahoma. Its faaaantastic!
happy hump day kids
As you may or not be aware, I've been in Kansas/Oklahoma for the past two weeks (working in KS, but my hotel is in OK). Its been an interesting two weeks. Lets take a look see at what I've learned thus far...
-Every chick is named Tammy
-Every dude is named Scott, Matt or Chad
-apparently there is this band called "Seether" that is just beyond huge down here. They play this song on the radio constantly where, in the chorus, the lead singer refers to someone as "such a f*cking hipocrite" but they edit out the "f word", but not enough to where we don't know what he's saying. I thought this was the bible belt!!??
-the indian casinos are abundant. There was even a mini one attached to a truck stop where I got gas yesterday, just north of Ponca City OK. Played two hands of Pai Gow after I filled the tank
-before getting here, I assumed all Oklahomans looked, talked and acted exactly like famous resident Brian Bosworth. Turns out I was absolutely right
-there are places called "Ponca City". No joke!
-at the aforementioned indian Casinos, it is required to play a 50 cent ante along with every blackjack hand, regardless of the size of your bet. This was a very clever maneuver...as I found it more worthwhile to play $10 hands, as opposed to the $2 minimum. Still, F them for making me do that.
-I'll pause for a moment so some of you can google "Brian Bosworth"
-70MPH Speed limits on backwoods country roads are commonplace. As is driving 40MPH on said roads.
-good looking people are banned from both states. Anyone who wants to present evidence to the contrary, please feel free. I thought my server at a restaurant yesterday was going to apologize for being so homely. I know this sounds mean...but you just had to have been there. I tipped her well, don't worry
-due to the aforementioned observation, I find that I'm talking myself into some of the most mediocre-looking people you could possibly imagine. I sh*t you not, two nights ago I got carryout from a BBQ joint down the street from my hotel, and the hostess, probably not a day older than 20, gave me a flirtatious smile after handing me my babyback rib combo (w/ fried okra and cole slaw...lemonaid to drink). After walking to my car, I thought about running back in and asking her out. After that came a tailspin of strange thoughts- how creeped out would she be if I asked her if she wanted to come back to my hotel and watch Disney Channel? (more on disney channel in a moment) What if we started dating? What if we engaged in sexual acts...but for the soul purpose of me having a funny story for Steve when I got home? What would her friends think of me? Would they think of me as being sophistacted and refined, because I live in Chicago? Or are people from big cities considered creepy and borderline gay? Would it be impressive to her if I knew all the words to a Seether song? Would she be impressed if I told her I knew a girl from Belgium? I kid you not, these thoughts all went through my head.
-there are billboards everywhere for this show on Disney Channel called "Hannah Montana" or something. And by accident last week (and by this point, I would freely admit it if it were on purpose), I caught about 10 minutes of this show. My first thought was, who is this dad character trying to be? A scaled down 21st century version of Billy Ray Cyrus? Then...to my shock, the ending credits rolled, and I realized it was actually Billy Ray Cyrus. Then the chick that played Hannah Montana that suspiciously no one referred to even once as "Hannah" was played by someone called "Miley Cyrus" who after some digging, turned out to be Billy Ray's daughter. Ok, all kidding aside, when was it ultimately decided that Billy Ray Cyrus does not frighten small children, and thus, is deserving of a starring role on apparently the highest rated sitcom on cable TV?
-I'll pause so you can finish reading the history of The Rib Crib in Tulsa OK
-I'm 99% sure that when the pregnant teens here are about to give birth, they all go through the same thought process: "well I want my baby to stand out...and be different! But not too different...I don't want to give her a name that'll get her made fun of at school. What if...what if I just switch out the 'y' with an 'i'? I'm pretty sure I'm the first pregnant teen to think of that!!" Thus...the preponderance of names like Wendi, Tami, Cari, and Mindi. Its like the poetic license of every white trash pregnant teenager. I can't get enough of it
-the following technologies and/or innovations are either undiscovered, or rendered completely unnecessary in the Bartlesville, Oklahoma area:
-water pressure
-picture messaging
-DVR (when I mentioned my DVR to my bartender, Scott, he looked at me like I had 3 heads)
-cruise control (neither of my rental cars had functioning CC)
-staying on 12 when the dealer is showing 6. Unconscionable!!
-wearing a tie (swear on my life, haven't seen one person in a tie yet. I still have 24 hours left here...I'll let you know if anything changes in that department)
-And finally, one of the more disturbing trends is the existence of a christian church across the street or next door to every sinning depot (bar, casino, strip club, Walmart, etc.) I found this highly amusing...as it could very easily be a feature in something like SimCity. Not unlike how, in that game, you could strategically place a police station to keep the crime low in industrialized, low income areas (read: ghetto), apparently the city planners, in conjunction with the baptist churches, have determined that seeing a church next door might deter Scott/Chad/Matt from stuffing a roll of quarters down Tammy's g-string.
I feel like all of these things should be printed on a tourist brochure for Oklahoma. Its faaaantastic!
happy hump day kids
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
This guy's got goals
1. Congrats to the Indians on eliminating the Yanks and possibly ending an era. I'm terribly sad.
2. So I will be back posting regularly now that I'm back from South America and whatnot.
3. Lucky me, I have to go to Pittsburgh next week for a few days...maybe this time I'll buy the "Shadyside: Ten Thousand White People Can't Be Wrong" T-shirt. I love Yinzers...or maybe this one.
4. Did anyone see the Monday Night Football game last night? One of the strangest, most exciting, disappointing and unbelievable MNF games I've ever seen. Tattoo Dave (long-time Bills season ticket holder) is officially on Suicide Watch in the Buffalo area. I hate Jerry Jones and Michael Irvin. The shit eating grins at on their faces at the end of the game was sickening.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Beertoberfest Goals
1. I'm watching the Manchester United/Roma Champions League live from Rome at work right now. I love working from hotels. (I'm talking about soccer, you degenerates)
2. I love new Party JOB even if he did suddenly vanish into the night.
3. In smoking (meat) news, this story from the always normal South...Jnicho must have something to do with this. Meat smoker, fake leg and one angry legless man.
4. Hilarious clip of Dave Letterman working at Taco Bell for the day....I wish they still did this stuff on Late Night.
2. I love new Party JOB even if he did suddenly vanish into the night.
3. In smoking (meat) news, this story from the always normal South...Jnicho must have something to do with this. Meat smoker, fake leg and one angry legless man.
4. Hilarious clip of Dave Letterman working at Taco Bell for the day....I wish they still did this stuff on Late Night.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Goals, Debacles and South America
1. First, allow me to apologize for not posting in forever…Scranton has been really, really busy and my weekends have been crazy…New York, Philly, Poconos, etc…anyway, I’m back bitches.
2. Ok…so I’m leaving again…but this time it’s out of the country. Thursday evening I board a flight from JFK in New York to Lima, Peru. I’ll be there for 11 days hiking, hitchhiking, creating international disturbances, etc. To see the Machu Picchu Trek I’m doing you can look here: http://www.llamapath.com/lares.htm. I’ll be in Lima, Cusco and somewhere in the Andes Mountains.
3. After Peru…I’m back (again)…looks like Munster, Indiana is the next stop for this guy. I will be in attendance at BB’s Beertober Fest (and I think my German name should get me in for free). I know I know, Irish guy with a German name, that’s how adoption works, kids.
4. Please allow me to address the Michigan situation briefly. First, Michigan was highly overrated going into the season…meaning, they lost most of their defense and all of the secondary (hence them giving up something like 500 yards in the first half to Oregon). Second, this is going to benefit the team in the long run. I feel terrible for Jake Long and Mike Hart, who came back this year to beat Ohio State and win a Bowl Game (both of which could still happen, I suppose). It’s clear that Long and Hart are not to blame for either, especially when you look at the numbers: 48 attempts, 315 yards, 6.6 YPC, 3 TD’s, 0 fumbles. Henne’s out this weekend against Notre Dame, which at this point, might be a blessing. The more interesting story is that Michigan is not disclosing the injury, which makes me think he either had a severe meltdown, is embarrassed or just a pussy who can’t take the pressure. John Fucking Navarre won more big games than this guy. Ryan Mallett, the highly touted freshman will start in his place on Saturday. Mallett and Clausen are each the quarterbacks of the future and hopefully Mallett won’t have to do much. Finally, even after the lost to App State, I felt like Carr’s job was safe until after the season…now I’m not so sure. Firing a coach (especially someone like Carr who’s been around for years) is NOT the “Michigan Way” but you know what? Fuck the Michigan Way. Carr’s time has passed, it’s easy to see: the boring playbook, inability to make in game adjustments, atrocious special teams play, can’t beat Tressel, failure to motivate and prepare his players (including an offense LOADED with Seniors) and a defense that looks lost…The season is ruined, the program embarrassed and the fans shell-shocked. We still haven’t won a game since Bo died and it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I’m cutting it off right now before my day is ruined.
2. Ok…so I’m leaving again…but this time it’s out of the country. Thursday evening I board a flight from JFK in New York to Lima, Peru. I’ll be there for 11 days hiking, hitchhiking, creating international disturbances, etc. To see the Machu Picchu Trek I’m doing you can look here: http://www.llamapath.com/lares.htm. I’ll be in Lima, Cusco and somewhere in the Andes Mountains.
3. After Peru…I’m back (again)…looks like Munster, Indiana is the next stop for this guy. I will be in attendance at BB’s Beertober Fest (and I think my German name should get me in for free). I know I know, Irish guy with a German name, that’s how adoption works, kids.
4. Please allow me to address the Michigan situation briefly. First, Michigan was highly overrated going into the season…meaning, they lost most of their defense and all of the secondary (hence them giving up something like 500 yards in the first half to Oregon). Second, this is going to benefit the team in the long run. I feel terrible for Jake Long and Mike Hart, who came back this year to beat Ohio State and win a Bowl Game (both of which could still happen, I suppose). It’s clear that Long and Hart are not to blame for either, especially when you look at the numbers: 48 attempts, 315 yards, 6.6 YPC, 3 TD’s, 0 fumbles. Henne’s out this weekend against Notre Dame, which at this point, might be a blessing. The more interesting story is that Michigan is not disclosing the injury, which makes me think he either had a severe meltdown, is embarrassed or just a pussy who can’t take the pressure. John Fucking Navarre won more big games than this guy. Ryan Mallett, the highly touted freshman will start in his place on Saturday. Mallett and Clausen are each the quarterbacks of the future and hopefully Mallett won’t have to do much. Finally, even after the lost to App State, I felt like Carr’s job was safe until after the season…now I’m not so sure. Firing a coach (especially someone like Carr who’s been around for years) is NOT the “Michigan Way” but you know what? Fuck the Michigan Way. Carr’s time has passed, it’s easy to see: the boring playbook, inability to make in game adjustments, atrocious special teams play, can’t beat Tressel, failure to motivate and prepare his players (including an offense LOADED with Seniors) and a defense that looks lost…The season is ruined, the program embarrassed and the fans shell-shocked. We still haven’t won a game since Bo died and it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I’m cutting it off right now before my day is ruined.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
A Book, A Movie, Inbreeding and Smoking! Where are we? Alabama (minus the book)?
1. Started reading this last night, I'm sure BB owns a 1st Edition signed copy...either way, it's good. Although I can tell you, after 24o pages, I'll be done reading his snide remarks and probably have a few of my own.
2. Anyone else see the Simpsons this weekend? I saw it opening night at a raucous theater in Philadelphia, it was a lot of fun. I'm a huge Simpsons fan and one of my friends that I went with isn't...we both loved it. "STOP! That's my whipping hand!"
3. I blame inbreeding. (I'm righthanded)
4. So obviously most places in the world you can't smoke indoors (save: the South, various random islands in the South Pacific which don't have windows or doors anyway, etc). However, I am now enjoying the fruits of the Small Business Owner at our client site. I write to you all from my office in Scranton, PA sipping my coffee and having an early morning cigarette. I can almost feel my skin turning into leather. Welcome to Flavor Country.
2. Anyone else see the Simpsons this weekend? I saw it opening night at a raucous theater in Philadelphia, it was a lot of fun. I'm a huge Simpsons fan and one of my friends that I went with isn't...we both loved it. "STOP! That's my whipping hand!"
3. I blame inbreeding. (I'm righthanded)
4. So obviously most places in the world you can't smoke indoors (save: the South, various random islands in the South Pacific which don't have windows or doors anyway, etc). However, I am now enjoying the fruits of the Small Business Owner at our client site. I write to you all from my office in Scranton, PA sipping my coffee and having an early morning cigarette. I can almost feel my skin turning into leather. Welcome to Flavor Country.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Switching Teams Release
As the only other hockey fan in this less than distinguished group, I have several points of reference.
First, I have numerous friends from College that are New York Knicks fans and with their franchise’s record over the past 5 years, we’ve had hundreds of conversations that revolve around the switching/divorcing/separating from a beloved sports team.
However, their reasons were much different than BB’s (Isaiah Thomas), which revolve around an attempt to assimilate more thoroughly in his community, rather than an asshole collapsing one of the most storied franchises in basketball history.
I approve of the switch for the following reasons:
1. East/West Conference: Montreal and Chicago are not rivals (other than each being members of the Original 6). They don’t even play in the same country, for that matter. It would be different if BB started rooting for the Leafs or something.
2. Bandwagon jumpers beware: Jumping ship on a better team to root for a team that’s been a cellar dweller since Ed Belfour moved to Florida and started drinking a gallon of Bourbon a day definitely throws out the question of the biggest sports sin ever: getting behind a team simply because they’re good.
3. I may need clarification on this: but I believe BB has lived in Chicago for upwards of three years now. It’s not a “I moved here in April and now I’m a Bulls fan! I can’t believe they drafted Noah either!” situation. Ask them if they remember Brad Sellers…I didn’t think so.
4. Finally, it’s the NHL…roughly 17 Americans actually care. Although I’d be careful if you EVER plan on going back up north to Canada. Some Canuck’s going to rip a slap shot t
hrough the windshield of your car while just screaming “HOSER TRADER AMERICAN TRASH SOCIALIZED HEALTHCARE RULES”
So BB: Beware, you’re about to alienate the country of your birth and are about to hop on the cheapest NHL Owner today’s bandwagon. Something tells me it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
First, I have numerous friends from College that are New York Knicks fans and with their franchise’s record over the past 5 years, we’ve had hundreds of conversations that revolve around the switching/divorcing/separating from a beloved sports team.
However, their reasons were much different than BB’s (Isaiah Thomas), which revolve around an attempt to assimilate more thoroughly in his community, rather than an asshole collapsing one of the most storied franchises in basketball history.
I approve of the switch for the following reasons:
1. East/West Conference: Montreal and Chicago are not rivals (other than each being members of the Original 6). They don’t even play in the same country, for that matter. It would be different if BB started rooting for the Leafs or something.
2. Bandwagon jumpers beware: Jumping ship on a better team to root for a team that’s been a cellar dweller since Ed Belfour moved to Florida and started drinking a gallon of Bourbon a day definitely throws out the question of the biggest sports sin ever: getting behind a team simply because they’re good.
3. I may need clarification on this: but I believe BB has lived in Chicago for upwards of three years now. It’s not a “I moved here in April and now I’m a Bulls fan! I can’t believe they drafted Noah either!” situation. Ask them if they remember Brad Sellers…I didn’t think so.
4. Finally, it’s the NHL…roughly 17 Americans actually care. Although I’d be careful if you EVER plan on going back up north to Canada. Some Canuck’s going to rip a slap shot t
hrough the windshield of your car while just screaming “HOSER TRADER AMERICAN TRASH SOCIALIZED HEALTHCARE RULES”So BB: Beware, you’re about to alienate the country of your birth and are about to hop on the cheapest NHL Owner today’s bandwagon. Something tells me it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
To you, I say good luck and go Red Wings.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Where my dogs at?
1. My take on the Mike Vick situation is similar to JOB's...If the charges are true, he's obviously done with football forever and will probably face some serious Federal Jail Time...Either way, he's ruined as a human. Not being able to throw a touchdown was bad enough for him, maybe it's better to be the Tom Brady of Dogfighting than the Mike Vick of football. I am having a hard time understanding what would make someone like Michael Vick run a dogfighting empire when they could have anything they wanted, it's sad, disgusting and wrong. If true, I hope the Feds make an example of him.
2. So I've been listening to a lot of Muse lately...maybe a cross between Radiohead and Queen, if you can imagine that. It differs from metal infused rock to long, winding guitar solo's to accoustic songs...it took me a few listens to get into their album "Absolution" but now I'm hooked. They have a great sound and their songs are certainly not the typical "Verse/Chorus/Verse/Bridge/Chorus" layout, which I love. Too many musicians think they have to follow the formula, I prefer non-linear, feels more natural.
3. Going back to Meeeechigan tonight for the weekend...have to renew my Drivers License and take the daunting 15 question test. I'm definately looking forward to lounging by my pool and playing a little golf.
4. So BB was correct, I was excited about last night's Tigers/Twins contest featuring Andrew "The Kid" Miller against Johan Santana...thanks to Magglio, Miller and the Tigers got the W in Minnesota. Three RBI's off Santana bringind his season numbers to: .353 Batting Avg, 15 HR, 79 RBI's, .436 OBP, 72 Runs, .600 SLG...He's the frontrunner for AL MVP right now, baby...Bonderman goes for 11-1 in about an hour...
2. So I've been listening to a lot of Muse lately...maybe a cross between Radiohead and Queen, if you can imagine that. It differs from metal infused rock to long, winding guitar solo's to accoustic songs...it took me a few listens to get into their album "Absolution" but now I'm hooked. They have a great sound and their songs are certainly not the typical "Verse/Chorus/Verse/Bridge/Chorus" layout, which I love. Too many musicians think they have to follow the formula, I prefer non-linear, feels more natural.
3. Going back to Meeeechigan tonight for the weekend...have to renew my Drivers License and take the daunting 15 question test. I'm definately looking forward to lounging by my pool and playing a little golf.
4. So BB was correct, I was excited about last night's Tigers/Twins contest featuring Andrew "The Kid" Miller against Johan Santana...thanks to Magglio, Miller and the Tigers got the W in Minnesota. Three RBI's off Santana bringind his season numbers to: .353 Batting Avg, 15 HR, 79 RBI's, .436 OBP, 72 Runs, .600 SLG...He's the frontrunner for AL MVP right now, baby...Bonderman goes for 11-1 in about an hour...
Monday, July 16, 2007
The Return of the Skurn
1. Had a great weekend in Michigan last weekend...live band, good beer, great friends, 80 degrees and sunny, pool in the backyard, gotta love it.
2. Three of my friends leave tomorrow for the Mongol Rally. Basically it's a race for charity from London to Mongolia in a 1 litre car. They have a 17 year old VW Polo with 99,000 miles...10,000 miles, 7 mountain ranges and 3 deserts...I'd be there in a heartbeat if I could get time away from the Man. Check out their website: www.teammta.org and pray for them.
3. Verlander plunked Ichiro yesterday with a fastball, which caused Skurny Sr. and I to immediately howl an "Ooowwwwww" loud enough for Mama Skurny to come running into the room thinking that the ceiling had collapsed on us. Ok, so this all happened but it was really just an excuse to use the Verlander Label again.
4. Anyone else been following this story at Eastern Michigan? So the girl is from Hastings, which is near my hometown in Michigan and EMU is THE SCHOOL JNICHO GRADUATED FROM (I'm hesitant to use "Alma Mater" because I don't feel like listening to Dropout AWM bitch about it and link to seven dictionary sites disputing the use of the term). Either way, this guy is a dickhead and should be prosecuted if he covered anything up.
2. Three of my friends leave tomorrow for the Mongol Rally. Basically it's a race for charity from London to Mongolia in a 1 litre car. They have a 17 year old VW Polo with 99,000 miles...10,000 miles, 7 mountain ranges and 3 deserts...I'd be there in a heartbeat if I could get time away from the Man. Check out their website: www.teammta.org and pray for them.
3. Verlander plunked Ichiro yesterday with a fastball, which caused Skurny Sr. and I to immediately howl an "Ooowwwwww" loud enough for Mama Skurny to come running into the room thinking that the ceiling had collapsed on us. Ok, so this all happened but it was really just an excuse to use the Verlander Label again.
4. Anyone else been following this story at Eastern Michigan? So the girl is from Hastings, which is near my hometown in Michigan and EMU is THE SCHOOL JNICHO GRADUATED FROM (I'm hesitant to use "Alma Mater" because I don't feel like listening to Dropout AWM bitch about it and link to seven dictionary sites disputing the use of the term). Either way, this guy is a dickhead and should be prosecuted if he covered anything up.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Back at it Goals
1. Here's a snapshot of what my week looks like:
Monday: Dallas
Tuesday: Fly from DFW to Hotlanta (Braves are out west)
Wednesday: Fly ATL to Pittsburgh (Probably go to Pirates/Brewers in the afternoon)
Thursday: Fly from Pitt to Chicago
Ugh.
2. J.O.B....looks like I'll be at the bar Thursday night...JNichoPeteCoorsNeoConDBag: Doesn't look like I'm going to your Weekly Moonshiner Convention since I have some dinner plans...Let me know where the bar is and we'll figure it out...
3. Friday I'm going to Taste, first time back in about 6 years...Looking forward to it on one hand (Black Crowes) and not on the other (Large Crowds, stupid people, tourists)...either way, if anyone's down there, let me know.
4. I was going to go over some NHL Signings over the weekend, but I don't want to step on BB's toes...All I know is that Buffalo lost half their team.
5. Bonds is an all-star. Shit.
Monday: Dallas
Tuesday: Fly from DFW to Hotlanta (Braves are out west)
Wednesday: Fly ATL to Pittsburgh (Probably go to Pirates/Brewers in the afternoon)
Thursday: Fly from Pitt to Chicago
Ugh.
2. J.O.B....looks like I'll be at the bar Thursday night...JNichoPeteCoorsNeoConDBag: Doesn't look like I'm going to your Weekly Moonshiner Convention since I have some dinner plans...Let me know where the bar is and we'll figure it out...
3. Friday I'm going to Taste, first time back in about 6 years...Looking forward to it on one hand (Black Crowes) and not on the other (Large Crowds, stupid people, tourists)...either way, if anyone's down there, let me know.
4. I was going to go over some NHL Signings over the weekend, but I don't want to step on BB's toes...All I know is that Buffalo lost half their team.
5. Bonds is an all-star. Shit.
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