Baseball

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That is all.

Left Coast Goals

1. Hello from Seattle... so since getting here this morning I've:
-Drank a latte
-Listened to Eddie Vedder
-Bought organic bananas
both while it was raining. It's official, I am in Seattle.

2. What I'm drinking:
-Full Sail Brewing's LTD Series
&
Red Hook's Winterhook

3. BB's BOY Ron Paul actually hates half of BB and all of AWM...or at least in 1992 he did. Still voting for him?

4. So where I'm staying is literally 200 yards from Microsoft's World Headquarters. So if anyone is currently having Windows or XBOX issues, please let me know and I'll be glad to shake my fist at it first thing tomorrow. Or, if you prefer, I will throw eggs. Please send a money order to bail me out of jail. Thank you.

Lost Goals

1. Hey kids...no party for me this weekend, I'm heading up to Buffalo, New York (which is lovely this time of year...28 degrees on Saturday) to hang out with Misfits Dave, who BB had a really interesting conversation one time. And Czar of the StatTracker invited me even though he knew I wasn't in town.

2. London/Amsterdam were great, as expected. I think my international travels are grounded at least til Febuary unfortunately. AWM-there are non-white people in Europe as well. Sorry.

3. All signs point to Les Miles returning to Michigan...I'm happy with it, I suppose...but not really excited either.

4. Trent "I can still say 'Coloreds', right?" Lott is giving up his seat in the Senate. Now he's looking into Lobbying, where he has more money and power. Scary.

The Sooner I Leave, the Better: What I've Learned in 2 weeks in Oklahoma

Get it? Sooner? Ha

As you may or not be aware, I've been in Kansas/Oklahoma for the past two weeks (working in KS, but my hotel is in OK). Its been an interesting two weeks. Lets take a look see at what I've learned thus far...

-Every chick is named Tammy

-Every dude is named Scott, Matt or Chad

-apparently there is this band called "Seether" that is just beyond huge down here. They play this song on the radio constantly where, in the chorus, the lead singer refers to someone as "such a f*cking hipocrite" but they edit out the "f word", but not enough to where we don't know what he's saying. I thought this was the bible belt!!??
-the indian casinos are abundant. There was even a mini one attached to a truck stop where I got gas yesterday, just north of Ponca City OK. Played two hands of Pai Gow after I filled the tank

-before getting here, I assumed all Oklahomans looked, talked and acted exactly like famous resident Brian Bosworth. Turns out I was absolutely right

-there are places called "Ponca City". No joke!

-at the aforementioned indian Casinos, it is required to play a 50 cent ante along with every blackjack hand, regardless of the size of your bet. This was a very clever maneuver...as I found it more worthwhile to play $10 hands, as opposed to the $2 minimum. Still, F them for making me do that.

-I'll pause for a moment so some of you can google "Brian Bosworth"

-70MPH Speed limits on backwoods country roads are commonplace. As is driving 40MPH on said roads.

-good looking people are banned from both states. Anyone who wants to present evidence to the contrary, please feel free. I thought my server at a restaurant yesterday was going to apologize for being so homely. I know this sounds mean...but you just had to have been there. I tipped her well, don't worry

-due to the aforementioned observation, I find that I'm talking myself into some of the most mediocre-looking people you could possibly imagine. I sh*t you not, two nights ago I got carryout from a BBQ joint down the street from my hotel, and the hostess, probably not a day older than 20, gave me a flirtatious smile after handing me my babyback rib combo (w/ fried okra and cole slaw...lemonaid to drink). After walking to my car, I thought about running back in and asking her out. After that came a tailspin of strange thoughts- how creeped out would she be if I asked her if she wanted to come back to my hotel and watch Disney Channel? (more on disney channel in a moment) What if we started dating? What if we engaged in sexual acts...but for the soul purpose of me having a funny story for Steve when I got home? What would her friends think of me? Would they think of me as being sophistacted and refined, because I live in Chicago? Or are people from big cities considered creepy and borderline gay? Would it be impressive to her if I knew all the words to a Seether song? Would she be impressed if I told her I knew a girl from Belgium? I kid you not, these thoughts all went through my head.

-there are billboards everywhere for this show on Disney Channel called "Hannah Montana" or something. And by accident last week (and by this point, I would freely admit it if it were on purpose), I caught about 10 minutes of this show. My first thought was, who is this dad character trying to be? A scaled down 21st century version of Billy Ray Cyrus? Then...to my shock, the ending credits rolled, and I realized it was actually Billy Ray Cyrus. Then the chick that played Hannah Montana that suspiciously no one referred to even once as "Hannah" was played by someone called "Miley Cyrus" who after some digging, turned out to be Billy Ray's daughter. Ok, all kidding aside, when was it ultimately decided that Billy Ray Cyrus does not frighten small children, and thus, is deserving of a starring role on apparently the highest rated sitcom on cable TV?

-I'll pause so you can finish reading the history of The Rib Crib in Tulsa OK

-I'm 99% sure that when the pregnant teens here are about to give birth, they all go through the same thought process: "well I want my baby to stand out...and be different! But not too different...I don't want to give her a name that'll get her made fun of at school. What if...what if I just switch out the 'y' with an 'i'? I'm pretty sure I'm the first pregnant teen to think of that!!" Thus...the preponderance of names like Wendi, Tami, Cari, and Mindi. Its like the poetic license of every white trash pregnant teenager. I can't get enough of it

-the following technologies and/or innovations are either undiscovered, or rendered completely unnecessary in the Bartlesville, Oklahoma area:

-water pressure
-picture messaging
-DVR (when I mentioned my DVR to my bartender, Scott, he looked at me like I had 3 heads)
-cruise control (neither of my rental cars had functioning CC)
-staying on 12 when the dealer is showing 6. Unconscionable!!
-wearing a tie (swear on my life, haven't seen one person in a tie yet. I still have 24 hours left here...I'll let you know if anything changes in that department)


-And finally, one of the more disturbing trends is the existence of a christian church across the street or next door to every sinning depot (bar, casino, strip club, Walmart, etc.) I found this highly amusing...as it could very easily be a feature in something like SimCity. Not unlike how, in that game, you could strategically place a police station to keep the crime low in industrialized, low income areas (read: ghetto), apparently the city planners, in conjunction with the baptist churches, have determined that seeing a church next door might deter Scott/Chad/Matt from stuffing a roll of quarters down Tammy's g-string.

I feel like all of these things should be printed on a tourist brochure for Oklahoma. Its faaaantastic!

happy hump day kids

...and that saga is finally over

Career Education: Report Calls For No Further Action >CECO Oct 18, 2007 15:43:39 (ET)
Career Education Corp. (CECO) said Thursday that a special committee of a regional accrediting body won't recommend further corrective action for the company's American InterContinental University, whose accreditation is on probationary status.
Career Education said the committee's recent report isn't a final determination on the probationary status, and that the Commission on Colleges isn't required to accept the committee's conclusions.
American InterContinental University has been on probation since December 2005, and that status will continue through the end of this year.
The Hoffman Estates, Ill., for-profit provider of post-secondary education expects the Commission on Colleges to announce any actions in December, according to a Securities and Exchange Commission filing.

And in a related story, Brown Buddy just made a dick load of money! Ok, so maybe not a dickload, but the stock skyrocketed to $35.00 a share, and since its unlikely it'll get any higher than $40 (and more likely to drop to the $30 range), I sold it off. All of it. Made about 4 grand or so...not bad for a days work :)

God I Love October

A rowdy party on Saturday ushered in my favorite month of the year: October (or as Dane Cook calls it, Actober! Get it??). Here are four things I'm thinking right now regarding the greatest part about the greatest month of the year.

1) Watching this Padres/Rockies game is painful in a lot of ways right now. First off, its tied 6-6 in the bottom of the ninth...and though I could give a crap about either team, I'm still tied in knots. God I love postseason baseball. However, I truly hate announcers who suck, and the two dimwits doing this wildcard playoff game truly suck balls. The lead commentator sounds like he just woke up, and Craig Sager and his technicolor dream coat have the sideline duties. On the bright side, the Rockies fans are adorable. One sign read "bring on the Cubs". Ummm...dipshits...lets not tempt fate by looking past your opponents. Oh, and you play the Phillies if you win this game, not the Cubs. And if you were referring to the NLCS, the Cub fans thank you for jinxing them as well...as if that franchise doesn't have enough superstition to overcome.

2) Speaking of the Cubs, here's what I think about the D-Backs/Cubs series. First of all, the archaic, nonsensical rule that the wild card team can't play the division winner is moronic. Makes NO sense. SO now the Diamondbacks, the only NL team to win even 90 games (boy that sounds strange, doesn't it?), have to play a division winner in the first round, as opposed to the winner of the Pads/Rockies game. So the Phillies, who are red hot by the way, get to play either the Rockies or Padres, both of whom have burned their best pitcher before even taking the field in game one. How is this fair? This needs to change. And Cub fans should be complaining about this, why...when they won their division outright...should they face the best team in the league (record wise, at least)? Besides that, the Dbacks scare the shit out of me. Young team, nothing to lose, gunslinger mentality...and not to mention Brandon Webb twice in a 5 game series. The Cubs match up well against any NL team, but this was their worst possible draw. These Diamondbacks remind me too much of the '03 Marlins. Sorry to go all Joe Buck on you all, but thats my two cents.

3) Matt Holliday needed to go 0-5 in order for Chipper to win his first batting title (and subsequently clinch a spot in the hall of fame). It didn't happen. Thank you Matt Holliday, for shitting on the only silver lining of the 2007 Atlanta Braves. Dick

4) If you're not rooting for the Indians in the AL, you simply have no soul. Either that, or you're the type of person who roots for A. The Taliban, B. the House in Blackjack, C. the Soviets during the Cold War, or D. Ivan Drago, or E. all of the above. Why do I think AWM is this person?

Merc-Tacular

1) I know I'm about to catch heat for this one, but last night I went to Duffy's in Lakeview for the Bar1 Big Break finals (totally self-serving American Idol ripoff, with a substantially lesser 1st prize, 15 Grand). My reason for attending? Our ol' buddy Mike Mercadante was in the finals. He got a little too drunk for his rendition of "My Love" by JT, but I thought he did great. The gal that ended up winning was good, but get this- she was a former backup singer for R. Kelly, and has a record coming out already. Shouldn't this be an amateur competition? Just didn't seem fair to me. I give Merc credit for being the ONLY one of the five finalists to really take a chance in the last round...as he did a country song (and did it quite well, I might add). Ok this is gay, I'm going to stop there.

2) Plans are underway for Oktoberfest '07, tentatively scheduled for September 29th (a Saturday). Skurny may want to circle that date. And Nicho, is it possible to smoke bratwurst? And is it good?? Test that out this weekend and let me know. I know you don't have any other plans...

3) "They saw my intensity! Aint no way they're gonna dog me again this year!" Thats the best movie quote I could think of to apply to that story. If anyone has anything better, feel free to share...

4) The closest thing yet to the Jose Offerman video. Time lapse photos. Why does no video of this exist yet?? If one does surface, it will be the most anticipated YouTube link since Ronald Jenkees last opus.

A Trip Down Statistical Lane - By Stat Nerd

1) I like Mike Fontenot as much as the next guy, but he won't keep this up. And here is your statistical evidence. Fontenot has a batting average of balls-in-play (BABiP) of .374 (which is absolutely ridiculous). The league average is around .260-.275, so expect some serious regression in the second half, as a lot of his balls will cease finding holes. Thats what she said.

2) Want to know who is actually leading the league in BABiP? That'd be none other than Derrek Lee, who is at .405. Expect some regression there too (as much as I hate to say it, Stat Nerd has always been a DLee fan...who's been underrated for so many years before he finally got to play in a hitters park)

3) Who's been the best pitcher in the NL this year? Chris Young...and it isn't even close. Not even remotely close. But what I found surprising is that Ted Lilly has been the Cubs best pitcher. And dammit I wish I could go back and find that old goals email where I definitely predicted that in the winter (right after they signed him). Who did the Yankees get for trading Lilly back in the day? Jeff Weaver?? Ouch.

4) Anyone looking for an NL MVP prediction? How about Florida's Hanley Ramirez? I've felt all year that this guy is not only better than Jose Reyes (who gets more pub), but he's probably the best shortstop in the game. He's currently top 5 in the league in runs created per game, while playing a premium defensive position (and playing it quite well, I might add).

Switching Teams Release

As the only other hockey fan in this less than distinguished group, I have several points of reference.

First, I have numerous friends from College that are New York Knicks fans and with their franchise’s record over the past 5 years, we’ve had hundreds of conversations that revolve around the switching/divorcing/separating from a beloved sports team.

However, their reasons were much different than BB’s (Isaiah Thomas), which revolve around an attempt to assimilate more thoroughly in his community, rather than an asshole collapsing one of the most storied franchises in basketball history.

I approve of the switch for the following reasons:
1. East/West Conference: Montreal and Chicago are not rivals (other than each being members of the Original 6). They don’t even play in the same country, for that matter. It would be different if BB started rooting for the Leafs or something.
2. Bandwagon jumpers beware: Jumping ship on a better team to root for a team that’s been a cellar dweller since Ed Belfour moved to Florida and started drinking a gallon of Bourbon a day definitely throws out the question of the biggest sports sin ever: getting behind a team simply because they’re good.
3. I may need clarification on this: but I believe BB has lived in Chicago for upwards of three years now. It’s not a “I moved here in April and now I’m a Bulls fan! I can’t believe they drafted Noah either!” situation. Ask them if they remember Brad Sellers…I didn’t think so.
4. Finally, it’s the NHL…roughly 17 Americans actually care. Although I’d be careful if you EVER plan on going back up north to Canada. Some Canuck’s going to rip a slap shot through the windshield of your car while just screaming “HOSER TRADER AMERICAN TRASH SOCIALIZED HEALTHCARE RULES”

So BB: Beware, you’re about to alienate the country of your birth and are about to hop on the cheapest NHL Owner today’s bandwagon. Something tells me it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

To you, I say good luck and go Red Wings.

I'm Back, Bitches

1) Just got back from a long weekend in Put-in-Bay, Ohio (one of the Lake Erie Islands off the coast of Sandusky/Port Clinton). One of the most debaucherous weekends of my life...I wish I could share some stories here, but it'll have to wait until one of you gets me drunk. Trust me, it may be worth it to get me drunk some time in the near future (like its really hard, or something)

2) Head over to ESPN for a fascinating BS Report, Bill Simmons' podcast, where he and his guest, Jimmy Kimmel intimated that everyone hates Matt Leinert. By everyone, we mean Peyton Manning and Ben Roethlisberger.

3) On that note, if any of you watched the ESPY's, you are a massive tool.

4) Wednesday night- Andrew Miller against Johan Santana. Something tells me Skurny will agree with me that this could be a matchup of two lefties that can and probably will dominate the league for the next 8 years at least. (Though Miller needs some work on that second pitch...he's a one trick pony so far)

The Return of the Skurn

1. Had a great weekend in Michigan last weekend...live band, good beer, great friends, 80 degrees and sunny, pool in the backyard, gotta love it.

2. Three of my friends leave tomorrow for the Mongol Rally. Basically it's a race for charity from London to Mongolia in a 1 litre car. They have a 17 year old VW Polo with 99,000 miles...10,000 miles, 7 mountain ranges and 3 deserts...I'd be there in a heartbeat if I could get time away from the Man. Check out their website: www.teammta.org and pray for them.

3. Verlander plunked Ichiro yesterday with a fastball, which caused Skurny Sr. and I to immediately howl an "Ooowwwwww" loud enough for Mama Skurny to come running into the room thinking that the ceiling had collapsed on us. Ok, so this all happened but it was really just an excuse to use the Verlander Label again.

4. Anyone else been following this story at Eastern Michigan? So the girl is from Hastings, which is near my hometown in Michigan and EMU is THE SCHOOL JNICHO GRADUATED FROM (I'm hesitant to use "Alma Mater" because I don't feel like listening to Dropout AWM bitch about it and link to seven dictionary sites disputing the use of the term). Either way, this guy is a dickhead and should be prosecuted if he covered anything up.

Bronx is Burning

1) Watched the game last night from the 9th inning on. Skurny's boys need Zumaya back, big time. Looks like a September return, which sucks for Tigers fans who now have to suffer through Jose Capellan and Macay McBride (two former Braves who enjoy walking people).

2) The ESPN love affair with the 3rd place Toronto Blue Jays...err...rather, I'm sorry, thats the Yankees in 3rd place....has reached its absolute apex with the premier of "Bronx is Burning" on Monday night (starring Oliver Platt as George Steinbrenner). I would ordinarily delight in this year's mediocre performance by the Yanks, but I've decided to take a platform of indifference. They are simply a 200 million dollar Orioles. That's it. And I could care less about the Orioles, so why do I care about the Yankees?

3) This article by Gene Wojciechowski represents everything I despise about ESPN and the electronic media age in general. Great Gene, you hate soccer. I'm sure you aren't alone. Why waste 5 pages telling us of all the reasons why? It seems ironic to me that someone who actually receives a paycheck from the worldwide leader in sports is actually bragging about the fact that they can't name more than 6 athletes of the world's most popular sport. He's proud of this fact! How does this guy have a job? I have similar rants on columnists who celebrate their distaste for hockey, but in most cases, its just a hack journalist who can't a laugh any other way than to take a shot at a something as arbitrary as a freakin' sport.

4) Has anyone seen the RGX Body Spray commercials? The girl in those commercials is becoming something of an internet sensation, and yet no one knows her name. If you happen to be in a room full of guys when one of those commercials comes on, take note at everyone's jaw hitting the floor at the same time.

UPDATE: Ok, its amazing what hitting "page 2" on a Google search can do for you. Turns out her name is Rachael Spector, and she hosts some show on the G4 Network, which means my best friend from high school probably knows her, since he works for the G4 Network. This now increases my chances of sleeping with her from .00001% to .00002%.

Oh, and here's a tribute video someone made- set to "Policy of Truth" by Depeche Mode (an interesting song choice, but anytime The Mode gets exposure, I'm ok with it)

Jiri Welsch Was Worth It

1) The inside joke amongst Cavs fans still hasn't gotten old: "Jiri Welsch was totally worth it!" This of course being a reference to former GM Jim Paxson trading the '07 first round pick (in what looks to be a loaded draft) to the Celtics for Jiri Welsch back in '05. Welsch played in 8 games. Oops.

2) The movement has started. StartSalty.com has been created. It looks to be created by a 12 year old, but that 12 year old pretty much speaks for all of us.

3) I'm so looking forward to running into Joakim Noah at Hi Tops after a Cubs game next year. Good times

4) This Benoit thing is so creepy, yet oddly fascinating...but I really don't think any more details are going to emerge...I mean, it wasn't like there were any witnesses. Lets just assume he gave them both the Crippler Crossface, posted on Wiki, and hung himself. End of story

Ugh...

1) Head scratcher of a trade between my Braves and Skurn's Tigs. Former 1st rounder Macay McBride for Wil Ledezma. I get that the Braves lost ridiculously sick Mike Gonzalez for the year...but isn't McBride a halfway decent replacement? Just as good as Ledezma...who is out of minor league options, and just as, if not more wild than McBride. Whatever...I'm not going to quibble about left-handed set-up men.

2) In a related story, Buddy Carlyle is making his 3rd start for Atlanta tonight. Could we not get a 5th starter for McBride?!?!?!

3) 1st pitch of the game was hit for a homerun by former Brave JD Drew

4) If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go cut myself and listen to emo.

I got a flash for you, joy boy! Goal-time is over!

1. Don't go to England, bitches are crazy.

2. Just to recap (a few days late) the French Open...Nadal beat Fed as I predicted and an Argentine made it to the Semi's but lost. That's a 3-Peat for Mr. Capri Pants. Roddick, Blake, Robredo? How'd they do? Yeah, well, fuck them. Good thing it's grass season...

3. Is that AWM's Credit Card being swiped and his nights and weekends suddenly fill up?

4. CONCACAF Gold Cup Update: The US is (not surprisingly) through to the Quarterfinals after a 4-0 drubbing of El Salvador last night...FYI Gents, the US is favored to win it all and the finals are at Soldier Field on June 24th...I'm talking about soccer, in case you didn't know.

5. Even the Onion knows how bad the NBA Finals are. After watching 7 minutes in game 1, I decided to boycott the Finals this year--not because I'm bitter that the Pistons lost, they deserved to, because I hate most of the state of Ohio (Not Miami and wherever Charles Woodson is from) and Bruce Bowen is a terrible person and can go and eat a bag of dicks. LeBron needs help, and I don't mean like Stephen Jackson help, he needs teammates otherwise HELLOO Big Market and Bonus from Nike.

NO-NO

Justin Verlander: NO HITS the Brew Crew

102 MPH in the 9th, ridiculous

CG, 0 hits, 4 BB, 12 K's

GO TIGERS