Eyeborg

Right up J.O.B.'s alley.

http://tech.yahoo.com/news/nm/20090305/tc_nm/us_eyeborg

Who Is That Guy? -- by J.O.B.

I'm back like NKOTB, bishes! All but the Suburban Stallion have seen me in recent weeks and have a clue as to why I was MIA, but for those of you (that's you, Neil Patrick Naugle) that don't know, here are a couple of reasons:

1) I was detained by Homeland Security for my ever-growing stockpile of weapondry (I added the 'd' for 'drama'.) For some reason they thought that I was formulating some kind of militia based around various conspiracy theories. Boy were they off ... still though - stockpile weapons now.

2) I punched 8 more people awkwardly, thus obtaining 8 more battered and shattered knuckles to pair with the 2 I have, rendering me unable to perform normal typing duties. Of the 8, 4 were cab drivers, 2 were frat guys, 1 was a woman with nads and the last was Cohn, or maybe that guy was one of those fire hydrants they paint white ... can't tell the difference, really.

3) I returned to a position at AIU and felt ashamed to tell anyone about it. Nah, you know that isn't true. I mean, why would any of us leave AIU and end up working in admissions for another online style university?

4) Darrin Banks invited me to move to Atlanta but invoked the mighty "no wives, no girlfriends" clause. I took it to heart and since I consider this blog to be my mistress, I didn't dare come here to post. Darrin then fell asleep in the car on our drive down, I dove out, but he crashed and burned to ash and I just walked back up here.

Uh, What? -- by J.O.B.

1) Angry White Man

2) I've got a new website launching in a few days. I'll keep you guys posted so that you can poke fun and squeal like ninnies. That's right, I busted out the word ninnies. Cuz' I'm modern.

3) No Jnicho, I didn't turn that into a pro-gun post a week ago. I ... fuck it - I like guns, everyone should carry them and even conceal them if they so choose. You know why? Because then people wouldn't dare do half the dumb shit they do. Like pulling in front of me on the expressway and then going -12 miles an hour.

4) While AWM is all excited that the odds of men being anally raped is up with the new prison percentages, I'm busy whacking off to nerd porn.

Slacker Love -- by J.O.B.

1) Why not start by responding directly to BB's post since we're on here within hours of each other?

• As I told BB through the magic of text messages, Larry Hughes actually hasn't been throwing up bricks. He had a PER of 21 in the contract/All-Star season in D.C. and hasn't soared over 14 since. You'd think "bricks" is the problem, but he's been shooting the same from the field and better from behind the arc. The issue? In D.C., Hughes was the slasher - the guy who attacked the basket and therefore he went to the stripe more. In Cleveland, that job is and should be 'Bron-'Bron's. Chicago has no slasher so here's to the hope that he doesn't become Ron Mercer.
• Beating the Wizards doesn't earn you an MVP award. Ever. True, 'Bron has been maxing lately and could very well win it, but it isn't over yet kids. This is the time of year when the MVP usually steps out of the morass.
• The problem with Ferrell is the same problem too many actors never realize - he isn't a bonafide leading man, but he keeps playing leading man roles. Just because it's comedy doesn't mean he is supposed to be the main character every time. Steve Carrell is running into the same issue (and trying to save himself with The Office) and Jim Carrey is living it right now. Actors make it big as the lead role in one movie and then refuse to take a solid supporting role ever again. What's worse is that Ferrell's comedic characters are all a version of the same guy.
• Blackhawks: fun to watch; confusing to root for.

2) Considering the employment status of our team right now, I wonder if one of us is going to extend an honorary spot on the GoalsGroup to Kelvin Sampson.

3) The official website for the talent management/production company I started should be up next week. I have investor meetings this week as well and if they go well, J.O.B. may be due for a name change (if anyone knows a good acronym for "self-employed," I'm all ears.

4) I'd like to dedicate this goal to the victims of the NIU shooting. Sadly enough, your pain is going to be turned into a renewed attempt to enact more gun laws that will have no bearing on things like this that happened. In fact, they will most likely open the doors for more events like this. Anybody that wants to debate it - you know I'm ready to defend my point.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday -- by J.O.B.

1) Just watched the Knight Rider movie on NBC. I have to say it can go down as being any less viable as Heroes or Bionic Woman. The new Michael Knight has all the acting talent as Shaquille O'Neal, KITT is a Mustang and Senator Kelly, who I was sure died in the first X-Men, lives on as the boss, but the chick has hypnotic eyes and Val Kilmer's voice keeps me subliminally interested, so I'm a buyer.

2) Because of the proliferation of Satellite, Tivo and On Demand, the ratings of the NBA will never be what they were in the Jordan, Magic, Bird, Isiah era, but has there been a better group of talented athletic players since the '80s? The Bulls might be the lone NBA team without an All-Star level player. Okay, you can probably add the Sixers and the Grizz to that list, but take a guy like David West. Over the last three years playing full time he's averaging better numbers than James Worthy, who he is probably closest to in style and ability - and Worthy is a Hall-Of-Famer. Now if they can just get the All-Star uni's under control ... yep, I separate linked West and East under "All" and "Star."

3) I got to experience lesbian church today. Like, seriously - Our Patron Saint of Muff Divers. There were some 'Mo's there too, but mostly the butch and the butchier. I didn't think that's what I was walking into but since we were the guest of my lesbian sister-in-law, I should have assumed. I won't go into the "Christian" sermon, but it included saying that divorce was okay and the program noted that the senior board member was going to be doing a past life regression workshop. Honestly, the fact that I smelled like patchouli when I left was enough to convince me never to return. Nice people, just not enough makeup and too much foul fish odor.

4) My Auto Show experience is complete after a second trip yesterday. I know my car knowledge is as valuable a commodity as Skurny's carnal knowledge of Shari Naugle, so stay tuned for a run down of what cars mattered at the show.

Random Task -- by J.O.B.

1) First post since my horribly wrong Super Bowl prediction. How couldn't I, though? It would have been a boutique pick to take the Giants, but if they lose - I look like a total idiot, and if they win, I look like I got lucky. I took the Pats because there were zero signs that anyone could see that could honestly get me to believe the Giants would win. Even the pundits that went with the Giants didn't have any real reason. Fuck it, even Einstein was wrong sometimes. Blow me.

2) I really don't wanted to be addicted to The Band on MTV, but I just can't help it. Watching the one cocky white chick in the girls group and the five indiscriminate brothers in the guys group is just intriguing to me. What did they do with the white guy? Make him a solo artist of course. Plus, I can't watch P. Diddy on the show without thinking of Chappelle's version.

3) So Romney is out and Huckabee has a snowball in hell's chance of catching John "I Spent Five Years In A Box" McCain. McCain is officially a Republican but he's the closest thing to a Moderate that the GOP could throw out there. In other words, we're probably getting either Clinton or Obama for at least four years. Boo. If Hitlery wins, I may move to Belize.

4) Did my first run through of the Auto Show yesterday. Probably going back next weekend, because I was there with some friends that aren't as retarded about cars as I am.

I Have To Handicap It, Right? -- by J.O.B.

Today is the biggest unofficial holiday of the year - the Super Bowl. While many big day partiers will be happy to tell you that the following Monday should be a day off, one of the coolest things about the big game is yapping about it at the water cooler with every nudnik in your office that thinks they know something. Being nudnik myself, I figured it best if I play my part before the game gets started and give my take on how today's game between the Giants and Patriots will go.

When the Giants have the ball:
Don't let Plaxico's bumps and bruises fool you - if the Giants are even going to try and be successful, Eli and Burress have to connect over and over again. The Patriots are great at throwing different looks at QB's and given two weeks, there is no doubt they will look to disguise coverage. If Plaxico is heavily covered, don't look for Amani Toomer to be the other option - it'll have to be the TE Kevin Boss. Going in, everyone will talk about 265lb. Brandon Jacobs and change of pace back, Ahmad Bradshaw, but the Pats are a very stingy run D, so don't expect that here.
Key Matchups: Pats NT Vince Wilfork vs. NYG C Shaun O'Hara; Pats DB's vs. NYG WR's
Expect a big play from: Either Rodney Harrison or Ellis Hobbs for a potential pick-6

When the Patriots have the ball:
The Giants had a slightly better run defense than the Patriots this year (ranked 8th vs. NE's 10 ranked unit,) and has upped it in the playoffs, giving up less than 84 yards on the ground per, but that wasn't against this sparkling offensive line. As the playoffs have moved forward, the Pats have upped their rushing attack, averaging 147 yards per versus only 115 a game in the regular season. Maroney will get the ball out of a lot of one back sets, meaning they'll line up 4 wideouts. Expect the Giants to have to play nickel to defend this, as their backers can't cover Dante Stallworth or Jabar Gafney. Honestly, they'll need the nickel even if the fourth reciever is Kyle Brady or Ben Watson and not Gafney. Tom Brady will surely look to get Moss the ball, and Welker will get plenty of work, but this offense will see Maroney have a big game.
Key Matchups: NE T's Matt Light and Nick Kaczur vs. NYG DE's Strahan and Umenyiora
Expect a big play from: Stallworth or Gafney on a big YAC play after a Giants secondary breakdown

Final Analysis: Don't let the past 2 weeks of hype fool you. The Giants have played out of their mind on the road, and they gave New England all they could handle at the end of the season, but these Patriots are tried, tested and true. The Super Bowl is where teams get exposed. If there is a weakness, a good coach will find it and a good team will execute properly to attack it. They don't come much better than Bill Belichick when you talk about coaches, and if you can dump a B-list actress who happens to be preggers with your kid, for a hot supermodel, and still be adored by women coast-to-coast, all before embarking on one of the most successful and prolific seasons in sports history, pressure isn't in your vocabulary. Look for Brady to be impeccable, Maroney to carry the load, and Eli to connect with a couple of guys wearing the other jersey.

Patriots 41 Giants 16 - BOOK IT!