Pineapple Express

Since there is still a little life left on these boards I'll make another post. Thanks BB.

Guys, please watch this movie. It's sad to say but I saw this twice within the first two days it was released. I'm telling you that it is phenomenal in many ways. The script is absolutely genius. The lines that come out of these guys are totally from left field leaving you speechless. It's about as unique of a movie as I can recall. It's not just stupid dick and fart jokes like Stepbrothers but something that actually took thought and a little wit.

James Franco completely stole the show with his portrayal of a pot head. A lot of people always talked about Brad Pitts rendition of a smoker in True Romance but that doesn't hold a hair on my balls to Franco's performance. (My scrotum is bald in case you wanted to know.)

It wasn't just Franco, Seth kicked ass as always and Danny Mcbride (smaller third role) added so much to the film in what little time he had on the screen.

I determine the greatness of a movie by the way I feel when I leave the theater and I left this movie feeling the same way I did when I was 4 and had just seen ET for the first time.

Worth the $10.

Goals

1. Is anyone else sick of hearing about Brett Farve? Fuck, I love the guy (in a gay way) but jesus, let's all move on with our lives. Yes, he was an idiot for not making up his mind and thinking he is sooooo important that the whole world can be put on hold for his one decision. And yes, the Packers are idiots for not wanting one of the best QB's of all time to come back to their organization. Fuck 'em, they're all idiots. Regardless of the team, I just want to see Farve in those sexy tights again.

2. So I saw Ghost Rider last night for the first time. Yeah, it was wasn't mid-August summer release worthy but I don't see what all the bitching was about. Everyone told me it was really childish so I never gave it a chance but it really wasn't that bad. Of course, Eva Mendez's sexy ass made this better than average movie into a spectacular 90 minute event. God, she's fucking hot.

Here is the goddess herself in her new commercial. hmmm nippies.

http://mixedmartialartvideos.com/2008/08/01/eva-mendes-nude-calvin-klein-commercial-video/

3. On with the movies...

Step Brothers! STEP BROTHERS!@#$ FUCKING STEP BROTHERS!*%%#!@@

Best Ferral movie since Anchorman. the chemestry between him and Reily was genius. Loved it so much that I went back to see it the next night. And if it weren't for Pineapple Express opening tonight, I might have ended up watching this again sometime in the next week. That good. If you like dick and fart jokes; watch this!!

4. When this came to my table, I could do nothing but think of how proud BB would be. Or disgusted...not sure which one.

I call it "Breakfast Fit For A King"

gay

I think the witnesses are right on. This dude could be a robot... from the future sent back in time to... you know the rest. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25949218/

Of course, everyone has seen Batman by now. Good flick. I'd give it a 9.5 but what gave me a lasting impression that night was the preview of Terminator 4. OMFG Big Boner! That shit looks off da chain (is that how it's said?).

Step Brothers was arguably the funniest movie I've ever seen. A lot of wiener jokes! I love it! According to my fucked up scale, I'd give it a 10.

Wanted was surprisingly good as well, there are a few things that threw my "gay happiness meter" off but looking back, I'd give it a 9 easy. Angelina looked sick hot of course which can do nothing but help.

I'm busy... Peace ho's

bored...

JOB, I'm not saying they suck but are those your top picks of the year? I’ve done nothing more than glance at the Oscar nominees but aren’t all those on this list? Imo, half of the movies that are nominated every year don’t deserve it. I’d give you my top 5 (or 6) but I’m tired…maybe tomorrow.

I just got done watching He Was A Quiet Man. I would personally like to recommend it to anyone that is up for a brain fuck. I give it a 6.5 (possibly a 7) but it has many redeeming qualities. I give this movie props because you can never guess what will unfold. I’m a big fan of Christian Slater and this is probably the best performance I’ve seen of his. Elisha Cuthbert did a pretty good job as well.

Side note – Other notable Slater films nobody should live their life without seeing: Interview with the Vampire and True Romance. Both 10's.

Now I am going to fall asleep to Cube 2. I’m a sucker for falling to sleep to horror movies. Kind of morbid, I know. If you haven’t seen Cube, it’s basically a mix between Saw and Event Horizon (watch this if you haven’t…it’s amazing.) It’s free On Demand until tomorrow along with Cube Zero (Cube 3). Gotta love On Demand. Other than that, Comcast sucks.

More Movies, kids

1. Atonement: Didn’t particularly care for “Atonement” much…the performances were good, James McAvoy was excellent but nothing really happened! I was disappointed because of all the hype around it. Basically it’s a chick flick…basically. The only redeeming aspect of the movie is the much talked about continuous 13 minute camera shot on the beach during World War I…very, very impressive. Performances were good, direction was above average but the movie was very underwhelming.

2. Eastern Promises: Another movie that disappointed somewhat. Noami Watts underachieved in this role and never showed what she is capable of (read: 21 Grams). However, Viggo carried this movie on his deranged fake Russian back. He was incredible and deserves every bit of acclaim for this role. It’s another David Cronenburg (most recent: History of Violence) so it moves a little slow and the story isn’t terribly well developed. However, this movie is seeing simply for Viggo’s performance…so apparently he spent a few months in Russia, without knowing the language, just driving around talking to people and getting a feel for the culture. I must say, it paid off. He plays a stone cold Russian Mafia “driver” (amongst other things) and just nails it.

3. Juno: I liked it but didn’t love it nearly as much as everyone else seems to. So I’ve heard it’s good from my 14 year old sister and 30 year old hipster friends…which, of course, make me wary right there. However, the performances are good—Ellen Page especially and there are some very funny moments. Jason Bateman has some quality scenes there as does Allison Janney, who plays Page’s stepmom…in sort of a role that normally would go to Joan Cusack if she didn’t suck so bad and could act. Ba Zing! Anyway, I’d recommend seeing it on dvd or hbo when it hits one of them…clearly it’s this year’s “Little Miss Sunshine” but not as funny or endearing. I recommend it (to everyone but AWM, who will surely dismiss it as gay, even though the story revolves around an underage girl get pregnant) but don’t go in expecting a classic. I was surprised to see it get a Best Picture nomination this morning, that’s for sure.

4. Finally…the best film I’ve seen this year: No Country for Old Men

Javier Bardem: Wow. Just wow. An incredible performance on all fronts. Believable, terrifying, cold-blooded. The Coen Brothers have done it again. Of course this is based on the Cormac McCarthy book, which I have not read, but definitely want to after seeing this, takes place in Texas and involves a drug deal gone bad and $2 million going missing. James Brolin (James Brolin!?) has had a huge year with this and American Gangster (which will have to wait for another review session) and he’s very good in this movie. Tommy Lee Jones, who I’m typically a huge fan of, delivers in his role as an aging small town sheriff. I haven’t seen There Will Be Blood yet, but so far this is the best film I’ve seen all year…couldn’t recommend it more. Bardem’s performance is one of the best of the year, no question about it. “What’s this guy supposed to be, the ultimate badass?”

2 for 1 Movie Night

Cloverfield - Watch it. I went onto IMDB after seeing this and was suprised to see that so many people hated it. I'm here to say fuck all those people. This is truly what a theatrical experience should be about. Action, love story, comedy, surprisingly decent acting, just enough cgi but not too much, kept you on the edge of your seat... the list goes on. I left the theater with a huge smile on my face. It was very refreshing. Before seeing this, all I was hoping for was that it wasn't just good marketing to get our butts into the seats much like Day After Tomorrow just to be let down. I'll leave it at this... If you liked Transformers, you'll love this film.



The Orphanage - Don't know. I went into this thinking that anything done by Guillermo del Toro would be great. From what I saw, it was very interesting. It started a little slow but couldn't really get into it because the fucking Mexicans behind us brought their fucking kids (3 children ranging from 3 - 6). Running around, playing, talking, yelling... and the fucking dad was just talking back to them like there was no one else in the theater. It took all I had to not smash the dad's fucking head in because, remember, this was 2 for 1 night and this was the freebie. Think about how that would look. 28 year old white male arrested for assault and sneaking into a movie theater. What kind of trash brings there small children to a rated R movie? And this shit was pretty freaky.

45 minutes went by and nobody said anything and I couldn't take it anymore so I went up to the guy and thanked him for "fucking up the movie for everyone in theater" among other nice things. Yeah, that was a little harsh considering his small children were sitting on his lap while the other one was running around yelling. He just looked at me with this idiotic look on his face like he didn't realize what he did. The theater was basically full and everyone was staring at me. Even then, nobody said anything although they were muttering shit under their breathe the whole movie. At this point I was so pissed that we left.

God, I hope that dude got in a wreck on the way home and died. Of course, the children should live. It's not their fault that their father is a douche bag. Anyways, the movie was really cool and we might catch it on special later on in the week. Illegal immigrants should be shot on site by American citizens. I don't know if he was illegal but he wasn't white so I can only assume.

Stuff

1) I saw The Outsiders for the first time. Tom Cruise does a light jog, but definately did not run. I guess if you wanted to force the "rule" you could make an argument he's running, but he really isn't.

2) Saw Knocked Up. I can see how this movie lost some people. It was adult issues directed at a ver young audience, and a lot of that audience either missed it or didn't appreciate it. The more I see Catherine Heigl, the more I think she looks like a hunk of swiss cheese.

3) Also saw Cloak & Dagger and realized how fast paced movies from the 80's started. Check it out if you haven't seen it in awhile.

4) Funniest trailer ever.

Jive Turkey -- by J.O.B.

1) S0-o-o-o-o, do you think Ben Gordon and Luol Deng are wishing they could go back and sign those extensions they left on the table before the start of the season? At this point the only untouchable player on the Bulls is ... yeah, move any collection at this point.

2) Torii Hunter - reason #17,306 why the Chicago White Sox will never be the New York Yankees. Other than that other centerfielder recently castoff from his long time team down in Georgia, Hunter was probably the major position player prize of the free agent market. This is what makes the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry and why the White Sox-Twins rivalry will never rate. It was a perfect chance to plunk big money in front of Hunter, have Jermaine Dye wine and dine his buddy and get him here. Instead, he slips out to the West Coast while we were swapping a 28-year old solid right-handed pitcher who has had no ailments and a solid W-L record for a shortstop. I'm not trying to downplay Cabrera, who basically had a career year for himself last year, but it's not the major move I'm looking for.

3) Let's see if I can run through this quickly:

• The Kingdom - although I stand by my Libertarian stance of not effing with other Countries, this movie brought out the Patriotism in me and made me wish I studied harder than school and shot for the FBI - really liked it.
  
• Across The Universe - do you like the Beatles? If so, this is a really good musical film utilizing 34 Beatles songs. I had a hard time watching Evan Rachel Wood knowing that she bangs Marilyn Manson in her off hours, but Bono and Eddie Izzard have great cameos and Joe Cocker sparkles in three different characters.
  
• Reign Over Me - If Sandler just stopped making grade-school level humor comedies and focused on legit roles for the next 8-10 he could be the next Tom Hanks that Jim Carrey was supposed to be. Don Cheadle again loses himself in a character and the two of them are very good together (but not in that way, AWM.)
  
• No Country For Old Men - The Coen brothers are ridiculous and so are the three main characters (Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem.) Yes, the premise is about a guy who finds dead criminals and runs off with their money only to be hunted by Bardem, but the real heart of the movie had nothing to do with that. By the end, the money is a minute part of what's going on here. There is a determination, a necessity to do things "right" and to it's proper finish that takes a stranglehold on these characters. Well done.

4) In sending out my Happy Thanksgiving text messages, I realized that when it comes to last names - I'm a lone ranger. Of the 5 of us, 2 of you have a last name starting with an "s," and two of you have a last name starting with an "n." Not me though. If only the 50-Foot Woman decided to get back into the group, we'd have true parity ... I wouldn't hold my breath

Quick Movie Update

So I've watched a few movies lately but I won't get into too much detail because I'm in the process of moving all my shit.

In the theater -

30 Days of Night. Not a bad horror flick. This gets extra points from me by not selling out and getting the typical PG-13 rating for $$$ from the kiddies. On the other hand it uses every bit of it's "R" rating. It's a movie about vampires but it's much different than what we've seen in the past. These vampires are much more sadistic and almost remind you of zombie vampires.

DVD -

Blades of Glory. I assumed this would suck but it firmly reminded me of why I love Will Ferrell. If you like gay and stupid, rent this. I must now jerk off to the Old School poster I keep under my bed.

Mr. Brooks. This is the Costner flick where he plays the nice guy dad during the day and the serial killer by night. Perfectly creepy and the twists (though not too much) kept making it better. I was very pleasantly surprised and is absolutely worth buying. I highly recommend this.

I also rented a low budget movie by the name of Hard Candy the other day. If you guys can stomach a movie based on torture (to say the very least) and pedophilia, rent this from Red Box for $1 (I did, that's how I roll). But I do want to warn you that it is pretty disturbing even for me. The whole time I was thinking that it would be much more bearable if I knew that the girl was really 18 but she was obviously 14, tops.

Reign Over Me. It was actually pretty good but quite depressing. As I'm sure you know, it's about a guy who lost it because his family was killed in 911. A definite tear jerker. Major gripe - I like the fact that Sandler is playing serious roles also but I wish the guy could differentiate his characters. I can't help but think of Billy Madison when watching his movies because he can't change certain expressions or his tone of voice.

After watching Reign Over Me, I popped in We Are Marshal. The true story of the football team that perished in a plane crash and the movie shows them rebuilding the team. I think this was a little overrated but it's worth watching. Needless to say, it was a slightly depressing night.

Boo-Yah, Bishes -- by J.O.B.

1) Secretly locate and forward BB's resume to Ron Paul's campaign offices. I'd really like to see Paul elected and I don't know of anyone that can create more off the wall bullshit explanations of obvious truths than BB.

2) I don't know what happened, but I was just as sure that I posted a comment on AWM's post about We Own The Night as I was about defending myself to Jnicho about Benson vs. Jones (I'd love for you to find me the post where I ever favored Benson to Jones.) Either way, neither are there, so to make a short story more mundane, I saw We Own The Night this past Tuesday. I'd have to say that it's up in The Departed neighborhood, but still a tick behind (to borrow a phrase from Lord Of The Stats.) Not only was the suspense in The Departed a bit more tense with the multiple double-crossing going on, but the onslaught of Scorcese, Sheen, Wahlberg, Damon, DiCaprio, and Baldwin just outclasses Wahlberg, Phoenix, Duvall and Mendes. It's a great story and a really good movie, but I have this feeling that you're going to see a real crime movie next weekend when American Gangster opens. And yes, AWM, I say that just because there are more Black people in American Gangster.

3) The car I've waited for almost 10 years to come across the pond finally made it's debut at the Tokyo Auto Show this week. The Nissan GT-R isn't the most gorgeous car in the world, and it's not supposed to be. The idea is for it to look like a mechanical weapon, and it does. Remember Mechagodzilla - the Godzilla that was encased in metal? Well, the GT-R's nickname has been Godzilla forever and this is easily the Mecha version. Twin-turbo, AWD, 473 hp (probably more - Nissan is known for underlabeling hp in this car,) 0-60 in 3.5 seconds (within .6 of the $1million Veyron) and able to lap Nurburgring in 7:35, which is within 7 seconds of the $450K Carrera GT. Navigation, power seats, and an 11-speaker sound system is standard and all for a base price somewhere around $60-65K. That sound you just heard was the plopping of Corvette and Viper designers shitting their pants.

Because you want more: http://www.autoblog.com/2007/10/24/up-close-and-personal-with-the-nissan-gt-r/

4) Found a great site for personal money management. It's called www.mint.com and it's pretty incredible. You can upload pretty much any account you have and it synchronizes everything to show you everything from spending trends, to offering savings opportunities. The thing runs on the same protocols as most banks so your information is secure and it's virtually anonymous as it doesn't require any more information than the account number and password. They also are partnered with over 3,500 banks to provide the service. Nothing like full pie chart of your spending to show you how much you spent on porn last month, right AWM?

We Own the Night

As you all know, I'm really busy being unemployed so I have to keep this short.

OMFG this movie is amazing. Departed can't hold this movie's balls. This will be nominated for several Oscars, just wait and see.

I'm not a fan of cop/gangster movies but this is an exception. Please, for the love of god, watch this movie at any cost.

Every actor in this movie pulled their own weight. Joaquin was amazing which isn't surprising along with great performances by Robert Duval and Mark Walberg. Eva Mendez was suprisingly decent also.

I'll go into more detail when you guys watch it. By "you guys" I mean JOB.

Hills Have Eyes & 1408 -- by J.O.B.

Two movies that can easily fall in the horror/suspense category, I guess, although one is just grotesquery with not much horror or suspense. One is the work of Wes Craven and one is the work of Stephen King - can you guess which is the maker of the grotesquery?

The Hills Have Eyes

I checked with God and there is no shot of me getting these 107 minutes back. This thing is crap from start to finish. The only thing that is redeeming is how they set up the possibility of humanite people living in the desert hills attacking people - nuclear bomb tests. I can buy that. The problem is that to an extent, it made me feel like the eye people in the hills had a right to eff up anything that came through their 'hood. This thing is just a mess. You know a horror movie is going to be all types of wrong when the main characters are parents on a 25th anniversary with their 3 kids - two teenagers and one who is married and has her husband and newborn on their road trip. Why? Because people have to die, so who's it going to be? The teenage kids? The dad of the newborn? There's no way this thing ends up anything but Satanical. In that regard, the movie delivers. The seen of the complete monster reveal is just crazy and unless you're an orphan, or your family used to molest you, you will almost want to turn the movie off.

Outside of this 5 minute terror romp, there is about one other part of this movie that is cool at all and it's a "fight" between one of the remaining family members and one of the "monsters." Everything else in this is lame and plot holes abound. Supposedly the film takes place in present day, and the nuclear tests were ended in the 60's, yet one of the main "monsters" is no more than 12. There's another scene where a family member walks into a room to find a 4 year old "monster" on the floor playing. WTF? Even if there were male and female leftover monsters and they mated - who's delivering these kids? RETARDED. The sequel comes out on DVD today and I don't see how it could be any less lame. Wes Craven is so out of ideas he remakes his own. That can't result in anything less than crap.

1408

Because of the enormous amounts of movies that have been made from Stephen King novels, it goes without saying that they can't all be terrific. You get a turkey every once in a while. So I walked into 1408 with no pretentions other than knowing the basic gyst: John Cusack (or is it Joan? She looks so manly) is a writer chronicling haunted places but also debunking the possibility of ghosts. He fell into the profession after the death of his young daughter which obviously spurned his position on the subject. Cusack gets a postcard to stay (or rather a warning not to stay) in room 1408 at the Dolphin Hotel in New York. Of course, believing that there is no such thing as ghosts or haunted places, he must go there.

As you've seen from the trailers, Samuel Jackson is the manager of the hotel and tries his best to convince Cusack to skip room 1408, attempting to bribe him with everything from $800 booze to a dossier of the over 56 previous victims of the room. But if you had stayed in the ten scariest bed and breakfasts and spent nights in the ten most haunted graveyards, would you be riled up about staying in a posh hotel room in NYC? Well neither is Cusack - of course if he had been, the movie would have ended rather quickly.

Well of course, all is not right in room 1408, and it's horrors set in on Cusack not long after he settles into the room. In classic good Stephen King movie fashion the suspense is a wonderful combination of an evil being or place, a main character who either has a past sin or lost belief, and plenty of mental delusional visions to clue in the viewer as to why the main character almost deserves the problems they face. Had the movie been longer, Cusack's performance would have been almost akin to Hanks in Castaway. Well, not quite, but he's dang good playing a lost soul, who is actually seeking an answer, redemption and salvation ... although it might be too late.

This is definitely near the top of my list of Stephen King works-turned-movies that I've seen. The story moves swiftly, the suspense is great, and Cusack is a winner. If you can catch this in the theater, do it - and take a date.

Recognizing Your Saints Review -- by J.O.B.

A Guide To Recognizing Your Saints (hereafter known as AGTRYS) is intended to be somewhat of a life reconciliation/coming of age movie but never quite hits it's mark. It's based on a true story and the writer/director, Dito Montiel is also the main character, played in his youth by Shia LeBeouf and in his adulthood by Robert Downey, Jr. Honestly, if this movie had solely been about the trials and tribulations of Montiel's childhood, I think it would have fared much better. The movie opens with adult Dito at a reading off his book and cleverly introduces the story. His mother has called - Dito's father is sick and Dito's presence is requested back home. He obviously hasn't been at home in a long time and this gets him thinking of his youth.

Young Dito runs with a clique of small-time troublemakers - kids who could get arrested for public nuisance stuff - and a trio of fast girls. He's got a close but not personal relationship with his father (another excellent Chazz Palminteri performance,) and a weird relational triangle between Dito, his father, and Dito's best friend Antonio (Channing Tatum.)

Dito seems to be the one kid in his neighborhood who sees or wants a way out and it's brought to light with the introduction Mike, a new kid from Scotland who does all kinds of abnormal things, like riding the trains for fun and traveling to Cony Island. The neighborhood boys rarely leave the 'hood for anything. But Dito wants more. More than that, he wants out. He and Mike begin to plot their escape from New York.

Along the way, Dito has a relationship with Laurie, who seems very content where she is, but willing to go wherever Dito wants to go. When he runs back into her as an adult (played by Rosario Dawson,) it becomes evident that maybe she wasn't as ready to leave, or maybe so ready to leave that when she didn't, she couldn't move at all.

The subplot/plot device is in the form of some rival neighborhood kids who are attempting to bully Dito and others in the neighborhood. The escalation of this drives the escape plan to full tilt, creating conflicts between Antonio and Dito, and Dito and his father. Dito bolts to California.

Seriously, the first act-and-a-half of this movie was great, but other than one scene with Rosario Dawson in adulthood, I could easily see the attempt to point out the "saintliness" of the characters in Dito's life. It ends very abruptly and doesn't really solve anything either, which is a metaphor for life I guess. It's not bad at all, and as an independent film I was entertained. If it's on TV, watch it. Otherwise, skip it.

Geronimoals -- by J.O.B.

1) I'm about half way through my 90 day get in shape program and I've currently dropped about 31lbs. I'll save you the dread of before and after photos, but let's just say that jeans I bought 3 months ago no longer fit, I've gained to loops in my belt and I'm actually seeing the top two of what could end up being my six pack. All in all, I'll have to say my program works.

2) Saw Live Free Or Die Harder Than You Ever Thought You Could Die Before last night. Very entertaining as an action movie, and Bruce Willis totally delivers. Roles like this are why he isn't dead yet. Wisecracking John McClane is same as always, but his wisecracking has appropriately aged with him as he mumbles to himself inaudibly after some of the hair-raising stuff that goes down. Of course, it's a big budget action movie so some of the events are entirely preposterous. Not the central plot and theme per se, but just certain things that happen. Basically Maggie Q starts off paying hacker nerds for hacker stuff and shortly thereafter the FBI realizes their system has been hacked. McClane is called in to go pick up the hacker nearest him, as he is a senior detective and this is a high ranking matter. Justin Long (Dodgeball, Accepted) is the goofball Mr. Anderson that McClane comes to get and just after he gets there the rain comes in the form of an assault team, obviously sent by Maggie Q. Gun and chase scenes ensue and we're under way.

Josh Duhamel uh, Timothy Olyphant is the leader of the bad guys and supposedly the greatest hacker in the world and he has a super nefarious plan with a believable motivation if you don't know a lot about computer hacking. One issue I had is that there were a number of times when one of Olyphant's guys would be having trouble doing some computer thing - either hacking or cracking a code, and yet Olyphant - th e super hacker - never steps in to do any work. He just barks orders and complains about their ineptitude. Outside of that it's basically a lot of Bruce Willis in situations in which you know he would have died if it was real life but you're willing to go for it because it's John effing McClane.

Reasonable enough story for a Die Hard movie, great special effects, lame bad guy, always funny Justin Long and Bruce Willis at his usual awesomeness level. So I say it's entertaining enough to see as a matinee or if you have a coupon, but not something you necessarily want to spring for at full price with a date.

3) Lots of filming of the next Batman movie downtown this week. I've seen a bunch of Gotham Police cars, trucks and other assorted equipment. Last night my buddy saw them film a crazy chase scene. I don't know about anyone else, but I like hanging around when stuff like this is going on. It's fun to watch the process in person and I've always been interested in acting, so it gives me a cool inside look.

4) Does Jnicho have a job yet or is he still doing the stay-at-home husband thing?

Attempt To Recreate A Bit -- by J.O.B.

So a major part of the goals post that got erased yesterday was a review of three movies that I saw over the last week that weren't named Transformers. I was slick and witty the first time, but we'll see how I do in a scratch recreation.

"Next" - The title says it all. Jessica Biel is once again the only reason to watch a movie and she's only marginal in this. It is impossible to buy the Biel/Cage matchup and the way he makes it happen is about as lame/deceptive as it gets. I know there are a lot of Cage fans out there, but I he's real hit or miss with me. Lord Of War - hit. Face/Off - hit. Snake Eyes - miss. Next - not even close. Biel is essentially a plot device but why she helps it along in the way she does is not only unexplained, but doesn't make sense. Any movie that tries to deal with the space-time continuum will potentially collapse on itself with plot holes and insane presumptions and this movie doesn't disappoint. To top it off, the attempt at a swerve ending simply pisses you off, and the movie seems to stop simply because it knows if it goes any further your head will explode.

"Trust The Man" - Why didn't this movie make more money? It was funny, fun and lighthearted and I enjoyed the heck out of it. David Duchovny actually plays a cool house-husband, Billy Crudup is funny, Maggie Gyllenhaal looks like a normal woman (who tainted the gene pool in between her and Jake's birth?) and Julianne Moore is nearly as attractive as the Boogie Nights days (you know she's your secret MILF crush.) I think it got trashed because Eva Mendes only has an extended cameo and something happens, or rather doesn't happen with her in the movie that no man in his right mind believes wouldn't happen. Either way, I was thoroughly entertained.

"Little Children" - I can't believe I'm writing this, but everything about being a house husband that Duchovny makes cool and slick in the above movie, Patrick Wilson makes lame and ball-less in this one. You can just tell that this was a movie made by Hollywood people based on their assumption of what potentially goes down in modern day suburbia. I know some people think Kate Winslet is hot, but in comparison to whom? Well let's put it this way - would you rather see her or Jennifer Connelly naked in a movie? Sadly enough, this movie doesn't give you that choice. What's worse is that you watch the first two hours and twenty minutes (!) of this movie watching all the elements of a tragedy come together only to not get a tragic payoff!!! Stuff was happening in the movie where I was like, "oh crap, this is going to totally blow up," and instead nothing happened. In fact, this movie didn't solve any of the problems it presented. This is okay when intended, but this movie didn't set it up that way.

So Next and Little Children sucked, and Trust The Man is better than advertised. I think I'm prepared to start a regular series of reviews on here. It will probably get me to pay tighter attention to movies and get a little more critical, but I'll try and make sure I'm looking at them in their intended perspective and not solely from the pulpit of critic. *cough* Roger Ebert *cough* I've got Gray Matters (Roller Girl and Tom Brady's Babymomma) and A Guide To Recognizing Your Saints (Sam Witwicky and Iron Man) at the house right now. I've also got 28 Weeks Later and Hot Fuzz, the latter of which I saw in the theater and have the screener DVD of.

It Was Like Finding Jesus

I will not describe anything that happens in Transformers but I’d like you to know my take on it. If you are afraid of people talking this movie up and getting your expectations too high, don’t read this. I’m just being honest but personally hate when I go into a movie with unrealistic expectations so I’m giving you fair warning.

I would like to start by saying that I am not bias towards the Transformers - I was more of a He-Man and GI Joe fan.

I went to this movie expecting it to be lackluster. With the amount crap that’s been pushed onto us this summer, I couldn’t expect anything else. I experienced the exact opposite. It was a perfect mix of action, story, kiddy shit and (adult) humor. The humor. Wow, they hit that on the head. They could have pulled off anything which is one of the true beauties of this film. The cars were fucking amazing. You don’t have to be a gear head to truly appreciate them. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a movie that kept me on the edge of my seat. Not because I was scared or wanted to know what happened next but because of schreur entertainment. I felt kind of odd in the beginning but I quickly got used to sitting in my seat cheesing like a little kid and didn’t care who saw me.

Did I mention hot chicks? Eh, call me gay but I didn’t really care for the chicks. Don’t get me wrong, they were obviously hot but this is one area that could have been better. I do have an issue with another role in this movie (I’ll keep that to myself) but other than that, that casting was perfect.

Have you ever been to a movie and thought that it had good action scenes but when you left you realized that there might not have been enough? I look at some of my favorite action movies of all-time and realize there are only two major fight scenes. Or maybe one scene was quite a bit better than the other? This movie keeps on topping itself. Think of the best CGI you’ve seen. It doesn’t compare to this.

Folks, this is what the experience of a theatre is all about. It had nothing to do with the masses of hysterical people. I was in my own world. It truly captivated the audience making us want more and it delivered. We didn’t leave the theatre feeling unfulfilled or questioning the ending. I can’t honestly remember the last time I went to a movie and it ended with a standing ovation. And this just wasn’t any standing ovation; the whole theatre was on their feet and clapping very loudly and shouting in approval.

Mmmmmmmmmmmovies

I finally got to see Knocked Up on Sunday and let me tell you one thing…extremely disappointing. Don’t get me wrong - It had its good points but it wasn’t the comedy everyone has been hyping it up to be but it was a good movie. It had its laugh out loud moments (1 for me.) but for the most part, it wasn’t all that funny. I have spoke to several friends since watching this and we are all in agreement. And because I wasn’t laughing hysterically, I noticed that very few people were laughing hard. Sorry Bobby.

6.5/10

All these years I have thought that I have seen a certain M. Night Shamalan movie but after about 20 minutes of watching the movie I realized that I have never finished it. I’m talking about the brilliant piece of work know as Unbreakable. OH MY GOD this movie is amazing. If you haven’t seen it, please go watch it. You will not be disappointed. Everything about this movie is absolutely perfect except one minor thing at the end and anybody who’s seen it knows what I’m talking about.

9.75/10

Weekend for Movies

Pirates of the Caribbean: Worlds End – Way to destroy a franchise. It turned from quirky/cool to childish/dumb somewhere in between the second and third movie. I really enjoyed the first two installments but wow this was bad, really bad. No wait - really, really bad.

Hannibal Rising – This was surprisingly decent considering Anthony Hopkins wasn’t in it because to me, he made the previous three movies what they were. I didn’t like it because every serial killer shouldn’t have to have a traumatic childhood to explain why they do the things they do. Why can’t he just be an intelligent man who likes to kill and eat people? >:)

Children of Men – I hear some people really like this movie. Not me! Maybe I should watch it again…. No f@%^ing way! For some reason, I’m thinking Andy would like this and of course Bobby. F&%*ing amazing concept but I couldn’t get into it. You can start talking shit now.

Pan's Labyrinth - We have here what could have been a truly amazing movie BUT it was in subtitles. haha. Just kidding.
After the Pale Man scene, the movie didn't satisfy my needs for a fantasy aspect which is my main gripe. It's not as noticable as shit movies such as Bridge to Tarabithia (regardless of what critics say) but we want to see the fantasy world! The problem is that we've seen LOTR's and now no movie will dare give us a true fantasy world the way LOTR's did. I could talk about this movie for hours but I'll spare you all the grief. It is visually amazing and you nerds will like all the political significance (Which I think is gay). Guillermo del Toro (Director) also made another movie that some say is just as good if not better called The Devil's Backbone. I have yet to check it out due to Blockbuster not having it but I will asap. It's not a sequel or does it have any connection to PL but it's very similar.

Bug

First of all, this movie isn’t for everybody. You could call it an artsy film but I don’t know if I’d go that far. And please, please don’t go to it thinking it’s a thriller like it was marketed as. If anything, it’s a psychological thriller. Friedkin actually refers to it as a dark comedy and it definitely fits that genre if that’s possible. If you are the type of person that needs things spelled out for you, don’t see this – stick to Spiderman 3.

It’s sad that Oscars are given out by old fucks whose penises have shriveled up and fell off years ago. The acting by Ashley Judd and Michael Shannon is absolutely superb with Harry Conick Jr. doing an excellent job in his supporting role. If people “get it,” don’t be surprised if Judd is nominated for an Oscar but imo, Shannon was better. It was a nice surprise considering I was expected to see the typical summer horror flick with little substance. Wow, I was wrong.

I hate giving stuff away about any movie but three words to describe it would be: drugs, paranoia, conspiracy.

Don’t be surprised if people walk out midway through the movie or if people are laughing hysterically (most likely because they don’t understand the Director’s intentions).

I would really like to know what some of you thought of this movie. I would never recommend it to anyone in the group because I’m still not 100% sure on what type of movies you guys like and even if I did know, this movie would still be hard to recommend. (Bobby, I’m pretty sure you would like this.) If you want something truly different, check this out.

Also, Ashley Judd looks horrid in this movie so don’t expect anything along those lines. That’s good though because it might help her chances at getting a little more recognition for this movie which she definitely deserves.

Spider-licious -- by J.O.B.

I was at the midnight showing last night, which means I'm pretty tired right now (why am I awake again?) Anyway, a couple of buddies and I got tickets for a Superscreen showing (seems pretty identical to IMAX, but without the name.) I'll start by saying that I'm a huge Spider-Man fan and was a regular buyer of the comic when the symbiote was first introduced, as well as when Venom first came along, however I'm realistic enough and mature enough to understand that movies can't always, and often times shouldn't mirror their source material to a tee. You can call this a review if you like and my goal is to stay spoiler free, outside of common knowledge (i.e. we all know Spidey dons a black suit, etc.)

While I found the movie entertaining, I really wish they would have figured out the behind-the-scenes contract business side well enough to push this into two movies instead of trying to develop so much in one. I guess when you're doing a third movie, it's not the time to leave audiences hanging and waiting for a fourth, but why not? As you probably already know, there are a number of characters interweaving in this and the movie tries it's best to give as much storyline for each as possible. This means fitting in development for Flint Marko, Harry Osborn, Gwen Stacy, Eddie Brock, Mary Jane, Peter, the symbiote, and even Aunt May. Seriously, each of these characters have their own situations and issues going on, somewhat independent of each other, with each of their issues aimed at being interwoven at different points. The attempt is amicable, and the final payoff is quality; it's just the road to get there that seems rushed and a little forced.

As the movie moved forward (and briskly for it's 2 hour-plus running time,) I found myself saying, "wow, that developed pretty quick." From the escalation of Mary Jane and Peter's issues with each other, to Peter's experience as the black Spider-Man, it all seemed like we were missing a lot of contributing story that must have been happening between one scene and the next. Not that there were plot holes, but as an example, for a couple that has known each other as long and seems to be as in love as Peter and Mary Jane, their relationship troubles enlarged rather quickly. Also, some of "Emo Peter's" scenes (it'll make sense when you see it) seemed over the top to get across the effect of the symbiote, when having more time to really explain what was happening to him would have been better.

Still, overall I was very entertained. THC as Sandman was awesome and Topher Grace is really, really good. I've never checked imdb to see what else he does, but the character who plays J. Jonah Jameson should get more work. If nothing else, Marvel would be smart to at least give him a little screen time in any movie that has action anywhere near New York. I'll never like Kirsten Dunst and will always hate the fact that she got this part over Elisha Cuthbert, especially since all she does is complain about it. Franco kind of hams a little bit, but does a solid job of separating his moods in his storyline (it'll make sense when you see it.) I really thought that Tobey gave a role defining performance here. He put on a show that would make it hard for anyone else to play Spider-Man, if they do a fourth.

It's got replay-ability, which means I could definitely sit through it again in the theater in the next week. Like I said, it's extremely entertaining, moves at a fairly brisk pace; I just wish they would have stretched this and made it into three and four. I give it a three-quarter thumbs up.